He was my lover, my best friend, my home, and the whole world to me. Then he moved to California for work and the long-distance relationship took a toll on us so we broke up.
At first, I was completely shattered, as if a huge piece of tissue was violently removed from my body. I could barely walk. I was afraid I would break into pieces and remain scattered in the middle of the street.
He was the one to move on first, found a girlfriend after a few months, and then texted me:
- “Can we stay friends?”
“How can we be friends after all?”
If you’ve broken up recently, you probably feel the same, torn between a plausible idea of keeping him in your life and the urge to forget about the past and move on.
After you two split up, the first challenge is to get used to not seeing and hearing him every day. Someone who had a very important role in your life suddenly isn’t there anymore, and you miss him like crazy.
It’s like an addiction and you need to detoxify yourself from it, or a chemical attraction that needs to fade to allow you to get rid of the habit. There is an enormous hole in your life that needs to be filled with new meaning.
Feeling desperate, you want to retain the feeling of emotional security your relationship has been giving you, and you think friendship is a great way to do it.
But why can’t we be friends after the breakup? you’ll probably ask. Well, to tell you the truth, you can, but not right after the separation.
You need a time lag first. After a dark night of the soul, you’ll need to reclaim yourself, put together your broken pieces, meet new people, and find new joys. When you fill the emptiness you’ll feel better and then it might be the right time to give it a try.
Sometimes friendship could be a way to find closure, but you should be careful. You both need to be on the same page and genuinely want to keep friendly relations with each other without any emotional baggage.
Also, make sure you’re not trying to stay friends hoping you’ll get him back. No secret agenda please, when it’s over it’s over.
If you try being friends with him right after you broke up, without letting your feelings cool off, you may fool yourself into thinking that it’s not over yet. You’ll live in a false hope and that will prevent you from moving on and giving a chance to someone new.
Friendship after the breakup helped me amortize the pain
My ex explained the idea:
- “I still can’t see you only as a friend but I hope you can stay in my life in some way. If you want that too! I care to know you’re well. We might never see each other again but we can keep in touch even when we have different lives.”
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay in touch. I was afraid it would be even more painful to recover and impossible to forget him. On the other hand, I couldn’t let us become strangers. I needed to know how he was doing. I cared about his life.
So we continued texting occasionally but over time we became more distant. I got over it, met someone new, and fell in love again.
Aunque staying friends with my ex helped me amortize the pain and allowed us to reinvent our relationship in a new platonic way, I don’t believe it’s always a good choice.
When is friendship a good idea and when isn’t?
So, it might be a good idea to stay friends with your ex when you honestly and mutually decide it is, and when enough time has passed.
You’ll also need to be honest with yourself. Why do you really want to keep him in your life as a friend? Are you emotionally capable of handling his new role?
Porque this friendship will be very different from the one you had as a couple. You’ll tell yourself you just want to know how he’s doing, but some news might upset you. When he told me he had a girlfriend I was devastated and had a hard time accepting it.
When you’re fully recovered and if he’s open to it, try nurturing friendship. Don’t start a friendship before you’re done putting back all the pieces of your broken heart.
Make sure to set boundaries and draw the lines that are not to be crossed. Just friends. Without “the benefits.”
What about if he had hurt you badly? Why would you want to be friends with someone who was mean to you? Don’t stay friends with a toxic man who abused you in some way. Also, if he was unfaithful and disloyal.
Staying friends when you still have feelings for him is also a bad idea. Don’t hope a friendship will help you get him back.
Don’t try to assure him you’re well off without him. Turn the page and start a new chapter in your life. He can be there to support you like a true friend should do, but your focus should be on future relationship opportunities.