Esta es la razón por la que la exposición al abuso narcisista a menudo causa ansiedad

I don’t know about you, but I never thought that someone else was guilty of the fact that I was luchando contra mi ansiedad.

I always thought that the problem was in me and that I was the one with some unsolved issues and that that’s why I am anxious all the time.

I didn’t even pay attention to the people around me and how I felt because of them. And most of all, I didn’t think what my partner makes me feel like.

Pero ahora que soy mayor, en realidad veo que mi ansiedad tenía mucho que ver con la forma en que me trataba. O mejor dicho, la forma en que me maltrataba.

Me llevó mucho tiempo aceptar realmente que vivía con un maestro de la manipulación, un narcisista disfrazado, el hombre que me convencía de que él era lo mejor que me había pasado mientras me golpeaba hasta matarme emocionalmente una y otra vez.

I couldn’t even realize why he was doing all those things to me when he said he loved me.

I don’t know why he abused me using all sorts of different tactics and tricks, so I didn’t actually realize what he was doing all the time.

Pero en algún lugar de mi interior, sabía que mi ansiedad y mis ataques de pánico no eran una parte normal de la vida. Sabía que había algo más que problemas superficiales en el trabajo que me hacían sentir mal.

I knew it all, but I didn’t want to accept it.

The whole time I was living with him, my anxiety got even worse, and every new day with him was a roller coaster of emotions and fighting to be noticed. And in all that mess, I lost the most important person—I lost myself.

Y así es como ocurrió todo en realidad:

Me puse ansioso porque que me había estado engañando.

Every day that I spent with him was some sort of fighting to get noticed. He was a man who did things his way or no way, and I wasn’t strong enough to confront him.

In fact, I loved him so much, and I didn’t want to hurt him by expressing my opinion because I knew he wouldn’t go along with it.

And in not listening to what I had to say and obeying only his rules, my anxiety attacked me even more since I wasn’t satisfied with my life.

I couldn’t stand that the man I was doing the impossible for paid attention to someone who didn’t even have to try to ask for it.

Me volví ansiosa porque me aisló de mis amigos y mi familia.

Supongo que todo formaba parte de su malvado plan. Me aisló deliberadamente de todos mis amigos y familiares, diciéndome que él es la única persona a la que necesito.

By trying to satisfy him, I was left without people who were my whole world. But he didn’t see my sacrifice and continued to abuse me mentally.

He blamed me for all the bad things that happened to us and when that happened, I didn’t have anyone to call and to ask to be there for me.

Así que cada día estaba más ansiosa. Pensaba que me estaba volviendo loca mientras él observaba tranquilamente cómo me derrumbaba, sin hacer nada. En esas situaciones, vi lo pequeño que era su corazón.

I became anxious because he couldn’t feel empathy towards me.

No matter how much I tried to explain to him that he was doing me harm with his behavior, he didn’t want to accept it. He would always do things his way, and he never listened to what I had to say.

With him, I felt like I wasn’t important and like he thought I am stupid. He never told me that he cherishes me and respects me, and all I felt while I was with him was pain.

Pero de alguna manera pensaba que el dolor era lo que tenía que pasar para ser feliz. Ese también era uno de sus trucos.

Nunca quiso decir que era culpable de mi estado mental y que había hecho de una mujer completamente sana una mujer enferma.

Me puse ansiosa porque me manipulaba y me explotaba.

All narcissists have one thing in common—they know how to get what they want with negative tactics but act like they are the positive ones.

That’s what he did to me. He manipulated me, trying to blame me for the things I didn’t do. He did that so I felt bad in my own skin. He made me completely lose my mind.

He made me believe I was the crazy one. With him, I didn’t feel I was worthy.

Sentía que yo era la antipática. Y todas esas emociones negativas se acumularon en mi interior.

No es de extrañar que explotara y que me convirtiera en una persona totalmente distinta.

The one who overthinks, who isn’t sure about her decisions, the one who thinks she isn’t good enough. I totally lost myself over a man who didn’t give a damn about me.

Me puse ansiosa por su dominación y su trato silencioso.
Le encantaba usar su tratamiento de silencio cada vez que no estaba de acuerdo conmigo. De ese modo, me hacía reflexionar sobre lo que hacía.

And many times I apologized to him even if I wasn’t guilty of anything.

In that way, he was feeding on me. He was sucking me dry, and he didn’t even pay attention to my feelings.

Siempre me convertía en la principal causante de problemas mientras él se convertía en víctima.

And I didn’t know what I would do in all that mess, so I obeyed his rules. I needed him like the air I was breathing, even if he was making a fool out of me.

And no matter how much I wanted to change that, I simply couldn’t. He had enormous power over me, and I felt the best thing was to just give up because I knew he would win in the end.

Me puse ansiosa porque me hizo sentir que yo era la loca.

Una cosa que hizo repetidamente fue hacerme sentir que yo era la loca. Mientras estuve con él, nunca dije mi opinión porque tenía miedo de su reacción.

I literally walked on eggshells trying to make him satisfied. But at that time, I didn’t have any other option because if I confronted him, he would leave me alone with my kids.

And I put up with all his shit because of them. I thought it is better they have some kind of father than that they don’t have a father at all.

Pero ahora lo veo todo muy claro. Me he dado cuenta de que debería haberle dejado marchar hace mucho tiempo. Habría sido mejor así, tanto para mis hijos como para mí.

If I had done that earlier, I wouldn’t be so anxious and depressed. I wouldn’t be falling apart like I am doing right now.

My life would have been so much easier if I hadn’t met him.

Esto es sólo una parte de la tortura por la que pasé mientras intentaba mantener cerca a mi pareja. Ahora puedo ver que mi depresión y ansiedad graves se produjeron por su culpa y que la única forma de volver a estar mejor era renunciar realmente a él.

Y gracias a Dios al final lo hice. Me di cuenta de que la única persona a la que tengo que complacer soy yo y que nadie merece que me siente sola por la noche y me pregunte si soy lo bastante buena.

Nadie merecía mis lágrimas y que perdiera la cabeza. ¡Y el que lo vale nunca me haría algo así!

Christine es autora de ‘Mirar fijamente a los ojos de la ansiedad y la depresión’Un libro que cambiará tu forma de combatir la ansiedad y la depresión.