Por tu culpa, tengo miedo de volver a amar

Even the sky has another color for me now. After you left, it changed and it seems like it won’t be the same ever again. Just like me.

Era como cualquier otra historia protagonizada por un hombre más enamorado de sí mismo que de una mujer.

If you were wondering, yes, I’m talking about you.

I know that I’m not at the right place to say this, but I’ve always thought that men were all the same. You need to be extremely lucky in order to find that one guy who will treat you the way you deserve. I guess I have never had that kind of luck.

But, I’ll give you this much, you did make me feel special. In the beginning, you were always there for me, always buying me expensive gifts and in return, you would get all the attention you needed. It does sound silly, but that’s the only thing you actually needed, wasn’t it?

I was so happy to finally meet someone who would put some effort into looking after me, because I was always the one who was running after others. I didn’t want you to think that I was needy but I did want you to take care of me when I didn’t know cómo cuidarme.

It’s really not easy for me to remember all those things we went through. Probably because I don’t want to remember. It makes my heart break every time.

You must know that I have been trying my best to recover from you. Not to forget you, as I don’t want to forget you. But I don’t want to feel this amount of pain every time I think of you.

I want to think about the old me and how I’ve been transformed into someone smarter and stronger. But no. I always think about the things you said, the ways you made me feel insecure and all those times you tried to convince me that I was worthless.

Those memories aren’t helping me to get over you. Not even in the slightest way.

I guess you can’t remember anything. It’s not like I meant something to you. Can you even recall my voice? I can recall your voice, your touch, your smell. Everything. It’s like poison in my veins. Killing me softly.

De alguna manera, hasta puedo creer que te harías el tonto si te pidiera que me explicaras por qué hiciste todas esas cosas que hiciste.

Why did you make out with my friend knowing I would catch you? Why did you slap me every time I wouldn’t want to do something? Why was I so worthless to you?

I guess those things don’t matter anymore.

The flashbacks are still there, in the back of my head, if you were wondering. They are the true reason why I’m so asustada de volver a amar.

Me recuerdan, cada minuto de cada día, que la persona que yo creía que era mi único y verdadero amor, era en realidad un gran cabrón sin nada mejor que hacer que burlarse de la única mujer que siempre estuvo a su lado.

Esos flashbacks no dejan de preguntarme: ¿existe el amor?

Tal vez incluso lo hace, pero no estoy preparado enamorarse de nuevo. Me asustan las palabras, me asusta el contacto físico, me asustan las emociones.

All of those things made me go through so much pain that I don’t know how to trust anyone ever again.

And it’s all because of you.

¿Lo sientes? ¿Sólo un poquito?

It’s not like it could change anything, but telling me that you’re sorry would mean that you have enough courage to apologize and it would mean that you’re not that big of an asshole.

It would mean that I didn’t make that much of a mistake, just learned a lesson.

I am so sorry for all the girls you’ll meet and seduce with your charm. I am sorry for all the girls who have experienced this as well.

I would have never believed that love could hurt this much. It probably wasn’t even love. If it hurts, it’s not love.

Tal vez un día encuentre la fuerza para salir y encontrar a alguien digno de amar y alguien que piense en mí como alguien digno de amor.

Pero por ahora, estoy demasiado roto para eso. Me rompiste hasta el punto de no saber cómo recomponerme.