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Because Of You, I’m Scared To Love Again

Because Of You, I’m Scared To Love Again

Even the sky has another color for me now. After you left, it changed and it seems like it won’t be the same ever again. Just like me.

It was like every other story starring a man who was more in love with himself than he could ever be with a woman.

If you were wondering, yes, I’m talking about you.

I know that I’m not at the right place to say this, but I’ve always thought that men were all the same. You need to be extremely lucky in order to find that one guy who will treat you the way you deserve. I guess I have never had that kind of luck.

But, I’ll give you this much, you did make me feel special. In the beginning, you were always there for me, always buying me expensive gifts and in return, you would get all the attention you needed. It does sound silly, but that’s the only thing you actually needed, wasn’t it?

I was so happy to finally meet someone who would put some effort into looking after me, because I was always the one who was running after others. I didn’t want you to think that I was needy but I did want you to take care of me when I didn’t know how to take care of myself.

It’s really not easy for me to remember all those things we went through. Probably because I don’t want to remember. It makes my heart break every time.

You must know that I have been trying my best to recover from you. Not to forget you, as I don’t want to forget you. But I don’t want to feel this amount of pain every time I think of you.

I want to think about the old me and how I’ve been transformed into someone smarter and stronger. But no. I always think about the things you said, the ways you made me feel insecure and all those times you tried to convince me that I was worthless.

Those memories aren’t helping me to get over you. Not even in the slightest way.

I guess you can’t remember anything. It’s not like I meant something to you. Can you even recall my voice? I can recall your voice, your touch, your smell. Everything. It’s like poison in my veins. Killing me softly.

Somehow, I can even believe that you would play dumb if I asked you to explain to me why you did do all those things you did.

Why did you make out with my friend knowing I would catch you? Why did you slap me every time I wouldn’t want to do something? Why was I so worthless to you?

I guess those things don’t matter anymore.

The flashbacks are still there, in the back of my head, if you were wondering. They are the true reason why I’m so scared to love ever again.

They remind me, every single minute of every day, that the person who I thought to be my one and only true love, was actually a huge fuckboy with nothing better to do than to make fun of the only woman who was ever there for him.

Those flashbacks keep asking me: does love exist?

Maybe it even does, but I am not prepared to fall in love again. I am scared of words, I am scared of physical contact, I am scared of emotions.

All of those things made me go through so much pain that I don’t know how to trust anyone ever again.

And it’s all because of you.

Are you even sorry? Just a little bit?

It’s not like it could change anything, but telling me that you’re sorry would mean that you have enough courage to apologize and it would mean that you’re not that big of an asshole.

It would mean that I didn’t make that much of a mistake, just learned a lesson.

I am so sorry for all the girls you’ll meet and seduce with your charm. I am sorry for all the girls who have experienced this as well.

I would have never believed that love could hurt this much. It probably wasn’t even love. If it hurts, it’s not love.

Maybe one day I will find the strength to go out there and find myself someone worthy of loving and someone who will think of me as of someone worthy of love.

But for now, I am too broken for that. You broke me to the point of not knowing how to put myself back together.