Tengo miedo de que me dejes como hicieron todos los demás

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt those chills during cold mornings when you wake up alone, with no one to kiss and no one to say good morning to.

Those mornings were so lonely and I wasn’t able to get out of bed without crying. I must seem desperate, I’m sorry.

Pero cuando dedicas años y años a una persona que te abandonó cuando más la necesitabas, empiezas a imaginártela cerca.

Hablas mientras te lo imaginas cerca de ti y cómo te está escuchando. Esos momentos en los que me lo imaginaba a mi lado eran tan desesperantemente dolorosos.

When I went out of my way and welcomed you in my life, I knew that you were going to be one of those nice guys people told me about. Somehow, I didn’t believe that you existed.

¿Quién puede culparme? ¡Después de todos esos desengaños y lágrimas a gritos, mi mente dejó de creer que existieran hombres como tú!

Dijiste que yo era la mujer más hermosa que veías y que mi sonrisa podía iluminar hasta la noche más oscura.

My heart skipped a beat and my throat was full of words I wanted to spill out at that moment. I didn’t think that you were going to be one of those fuckboys.

From our first date and that wonderful walk in the park, I actually saw something new in you, something I didn’t see (or feel) before. You were a wonderful human being.

Y eso me asustó. Mucho.

I didn’t know how to behave at the beginning but you thought that it was cute. You fell head over heels for me. Without even knowing, I fell for you, too.

Me colmaste de regalos de amor y afecto incondicionales. Entonces llegó el día en que me sentaste, para contarte la historia que se esconde tras mi corazón roto y los muros que levanté.

Sin pensármelo dos veces, te lo conté todo. Desde el principio.

I told you that he would verbally abuse me until the point where I would scream in agony, that he would bring home his ”female friends” just to compare me to them constantly.

And I told you how they would, right in front of my eyes, flirt with each other and go into his room. I would just leave. You’re wondering why I stayed so long?

He’d always come to me to beg for forgiveness, asking me to take him back, sometimes he was even crying. What would you have done in my place?

Esta es la parte en la que me abrazaste y empezaste a susurrarme las cosas más conmovedoras.

Me dijiste que me amarías y me cuidarías y que nunca me volvería a pasar algo así. Así que me asusté.

I didn’t let it show then but when I got home, I burst out in tears and I really did not know how to handle your kindness.

Empecé a anotar todas esas cosas maravillosas que me decías para poder aferrarme a ellas cuando te fueras. Si te vas, quiero decir.

You couldn’t help but notice that I started to become colder and colder to you.

You began to wonder if you did something wrong to insult me, but it wasn’t you, my dear. It was never you.

You couldn’t help but be the nicest person to me, ever! So, this is why I built up even higher walls to protect myself in case you left me. I didn’t want you to leave.

Lloraba hasta dormirme todas las noches porque te imaginaba harta de mí.

I guess it’s the aftermath of an abuser. Today, I don’t know how to deal with abandonment!

No matter how many times you’d tell me that you loved me and would never leave, the fear was always present! So, I began to think a bit more into this.

¿Alguna vez hiciste algo que me hiciera sentir inseguro? No.

Had you ever done something to show me that you didn’t care? No. Had you ever said something to insult me? No. Were you the sweetest person to me? YES!

Entonces, ¿por qué seguía teniendo tanto miedo? Tenía miedo de que te fueras como lo hicieron todos los demás en mi vida.

That’s why I wanted to apologize for all the walls you’ll still have to dig through, all the nights I would burst out in tears and wake you up, all those times I yelled at you.

Everything. I’m sorry. I am really, truly, sorry. Also, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for the person you made out of me.

Me hiciste volver a creer en el amor¡! Quiero agradecerte todas esas veces que estuviste ahí para mí y todos esos abrazos maravillosos. Gracias.

A pesar de que todas esas cosas me hicieron temer la posibilidad de que algún día me dejaras, te estoy agradecido.

You make me forget about that every time you looked me in the eyes and years have passed since you first told me that you loved me. You’re still here? Yes. Yes you are.