Mi divorcio me define y estoy bien con ello

Hace poco salí a tomar unas copas. Conocí a alguien en el bar, y después de empezar a hablar descubrimos algunos paralelismos absolutamente locos entre nuestros matrimonios, nuestros divorcios, e incluso nuestros ex cónyuges se vuelven a casar. Sí, el mío se volverá a casar en menos de dos semanas, si puedes creerlo.

As the conversation went on, there were moments I felt bad I was talking so much in the past. As much as I openly write about it, and like confronting it, knowing that in doing so I am actually continuing to heal, it’s not really something I like to talk about for too long.

I find that it bores people, but she wasn’t bored. I find that people think it’s odd to talk about the past so much, but I don’t do it because I’m not over it.

Me encontré haciéndolo, porque aunque sé que no estoy sola, me siento sola muchas veces. Sola por lo que he pasado. Not many people can understand what I have been through. They can care, sympathize, empathize even, but they don’t get it as I do. They can’t.

It’s not their fault, and I don’t harbor resentment that most people cannot possibly begin to fathom the fear, the terror, the anger, and the sadness that I have been through.

I started writing at the urging of my friends. They told me I had a way of phrasing things; they told me my stories were funny, they told me my story deserved to be told. I thought it certainly couldn’t hurt to share my funny, and sad, stories with others.

Recibo mensajes de personas que me dicen que mis escritos les hablan o les han ayudado, o que me dan las gracias por compartir lo que hago. Eso me hace seguir adelante. Eso, y el hecho de que un efecto secundario totalmente inesperado de que comparta mi vida tan personal con los demás es que me curaría a mí misma.

Pero ahora me doy cuenta de que, al hacerlo, al compartir estas historias tan personales con vosotros, y también en mi vida privada, mi divorcio me define.

Now, when I say that, I certainly don’t mean that it’s the biggest aspect of my life, because it isn’t. Think about it. What else defines me?

Ser madre me define, mi carrera me define, mi blog incluso me define en este momento. It doesn’t mean I am only a mother, or a writer, or even just a divorcee (I’ve always wanted to say that word even once to try it on for size). It is not the end of who I am, but yes, it is very much a part of who I am.

Were it not for my marriage I wouldn’t be a mother, maybe not even a writer. I also wouldn’t be a divorcee.

Furthermore, I wouldn’t have endured years of emotional abuse, years that sometimes come back to haunt me. Years that while they tore down who I used to be, also helped build the woman that I am. And is that a bad thing?

How can I take something, that was such a big part of my life, that played such a huge role in creating the person I am, and judge myself for it being such a big part of my story? How can I act as if it doesn’t matter, or doesn’t define me?

I suppose I could lie to myself, and tell myself that my divorce doesn’t define me, but that wouldn’t be authentic, and I pride myself on being authentic.

The fact is that in my day to day life, there are always times when I catch myself slipping in the words, “My children’s father,” or, “my X” or, “When I was married…” because it took up the space of half of my life, so to pretend it didn’t exist now seems absurd to me.

That doesn’t mean I have to live in the past, or carry all that hurt with me, but to say that there aren’t times that those old feelings of insecurity don’t pop up is a bald-faced lie. I am not the person I am sitting here at this laptop if I am not the woman who has been through hell and back.

Puedo mantener la cabeza alta. Sigo adelante. Sigo adelante y lo hago con gracia, estilo y una fuerza impresionante, pero sigo siendo la mujer que permitió que un hombre la controlara durante más de dos décadas.

I may be in a place where I would never allow that again, but to pretend that part of me doesn’t exist is not only untrue, but it is not fair to who I am today.

It is not acknowledging that the woman before you today has had her share of trials. It is pretending as if I don’t know what it’s like to love someone who will never love you back, because they can only love themselves.

It is as if I had a disease that ravaged my body for 20 years, and once it’s healed, I never speak of it again. It is most definitely a part of the words you can use to define me. And I am more than okay with that.

Tengo que reconocer lo malo, para saber que es bueno. Piensa en ello. Sin nacimiento, no habría muerte. Sin amor, no habría desamor. Sin el bien, no existiría el mal.

El mundo existe dentro de polaridades. Mi divorcio me define, un aspecto de lo que soy de todos modos. It’s not the final word on who I am. It is not the end of my story, but it is a chapter I would remiss to ignore.

So yes, it felt weird to be sharing these things with someone, other than my page. It felt almost ‘wrong’ at first, to speak these horrible things from my past, to not relive them, but to talk about them as if they were as simple as which melon I chose at the store last night. It created a sense of connecting on a deeper level with someone else.

Me hicieron sentir que no estaba tan sola. Me hicieron darme cuenta de que soy una divorciada que estuvo en una relación abusiva. Me ayudaron a aceptar el hecho de que siempre habrá una pequeña parte de mí que se preguntará si soy lo suficientemente buena. They remind me there were worse times than what I’m going through now.

Lately has been a bit tough on me mentally. While I am obviously in a much better place, I have a lot on my mind, and being a single mom, there’s no one to help get everything accomplished. My mind goes pretty much non-stop, and I’ve even had to change my anti-anxiety meds to actually get some sleep.

Pero, cuando la señora y yo estábamos hablando en el bar, hablamos de cómo hubo un tiempo en que habríamos soñado estar exactamente donde estamos ahora. That’s not to say we have accomplished all our goals, or that we are done achieving, but there was a time, not that long ago in the scheme of things, that we feared we would not be where we are now.

Ella, habiendo comprado su propio coche y casa, sólo a su nombre, y teniendo una carrera exitosa por derecho propio. Son cosas que algunos dan por sentadas, pero yo sé exactamente cómo se siente ella.

You see, my car is only in my name because his credit was so bad we couldn’t add it. I have gone from someone who, at one point, had $55 to my name, and no idea how to pay my bills, to someone who has made that car payment every month, and it’s not small.

Mi única deuda son los préstamos estudiantiles y la letra del coche, que espero saldar en menos de un año. Ya no recibo avisos de desconexión, ni temo cada día por cómo voy a cuidar de mi familia, porque lo estoy haciendo por mi cuenta. Hubo un tiempo, que recuerdo claramente, en que no sabía cómo iba a hacer todo esto y, cuando estaba casada, mi situación financiera era en realidad mucho peor, con muchos más ingresos.

Me estoy preparando para llevar a mis hijos a ver el océano, algo que mi hijo mayor lleva pidiendo ver desde los cuatro años y que nunca hemos podido permitirnos juntos. Lo estoy haciendo. Le dije que me encanta pagar mis facturas, porque puedo hacerlo.

I suppose most people hate paying bills, and I can understand that too; after all, it greatly diminishes your expendable income. But for someone who used to live in constant fear of money, and anxiety that there was never enough, there’s enough.

Aunque todavía tengo la meta de viajar y comprar mi propia casa, con sólo mi nombre en ella, puedo reconocer, y estar orgullosa de la mujer que soy hoy.

Así que sí, mi divorcio me define.

Me ha convertido en una mujer hecha a sí misma. Me ha hecho más fuerte de lo que nunca soñé que sería. Me ha obligado a dedicar tiempo a mí misma, a conocer esta hermosa alma que albergaba este cuerpo todos estos años. Tampoco me disgusta que me defina. De hecho, estoy muy orgullosa.

¿Qué le define? ¿Qué tragedia o dificultad de tu pasado ha contribuido a crear la persona que eres hoy? ¿Algo de tu pasado de lo que una vez quisiste huir y dejar lejos? Acéptalo.

Te animo a abrazar esas partes difíciles de nosotros que nos cuesta tragar, porque constituyen exactamente lo que eres hoy. Y cuando empieces a reflexionar sobre las cosas que te quedan por hacer, recuerda lo lejos que has llegado de la persona que eras.

Piensa en lo orgullosa que se sentiría esa persona al verte hoy. Sé que la mujer que era hace dos años no solo se sorprendería de la mujer que soy hoy, sino que se sentiría orgullosa y completamente inspirada.

Con mucho amor,
Adriana

por Adrienne Verdad