Por qué me quedé
Everybody asks: “Why did you stay?”, “How could you put up with that kind of treatment?”, “I would’ve just left.” I’ve asked those same questions to others and made the same statements. But until you’re inside the relationship, you have no idea what it’s like.
I am kind and trusting, and I can honestly say this was so very different from any other beginning. I didn’t even see it coming. This didn’t start with sex and build from there as my relationships usually do. There were no sexual innuendos, no come-on’s, no flirting; there were intelligent, mind-stimulating conversations, good advice both given and received, and quiet comfortable company. I fell in love with his mind, his friendship, his soul.
Mirando hacia atrás, veo claramente que no estaba segura de quién era y a dónde pertenecía. Me acababa de divorciar, era madre soltera y había terminado la rehabilitación por abuso de alcohol. Había dejado de tener contacto con la mayoría de mis familiares directos y luchaba por recuperar el respeto y la confianza en mi trabajo, poderoso, bien pagado y extremadamente estresante, que era el único sustento para mis dos hijos adolescentes y para mí.
Podía escapar del mundo estructurado en el que vivía y trabajaba y ser yo misma a su lado. En su mundo, nadie juzgaba y todo el mundo entendía que todos teníamos luchas que no eran ni mejores ni peores que las de los demás.
But not knowing who you are and where you belong puts you in an extremely vulnerable and dangerous position if you’re not careful. The more time I spent with him, the more we shared our individual hopes, dreams and greatest fears. Empecé a enamorarme de él, y con el tiempo nuestra amistad went to the next level—at my persuasion.
And I was completely taken aback by his bold displays of love and affection. It was obvious to anyone around us that we were together—whether it be my hand on his back, his hand rubbing my leg, or his loving kiss goodbye in front of everyone. Friends and acquaintances that had known him for years said they’d never seen him behave this way.
Estos mismos amigos decían repetidamente lo mucho que le gustaba, que le gustaba, que me quería cerca, que me respetaba, etc. Vi a este chico duro y malo bajar la guardia y permitirme experimentar al hombre cariñoso, suave y compasivo que quería ser tocado y amado.
And love him I did. I valued and loved him dearly as my friend and that only deepened to a level I’d never experienced. I was blown away by the depth and intensity of love I felt for him. In 21 years of marriage, children, and growing up with my ex husband, I never once felt the connection and depth of love as I did with him. Yet I knew from the beginning Le quería más de lo que él me quería a mí.
I loved him with all of me—with wild, reckless abandonment and would have moved heaven and earth for him. And for a short time, I was truly happy and content. I will always question if my love for him was too intense and was to blame for the demise of us.
Did my intensity scare him, blind him, overwhelm him? Or was this the predestined fate of the universe to teach me something? There’s no answer to my ‘whys’ and no point to asking ‘what if’s’ because there’s no way to get closure on anything that breaks you as wide open as he broke me.
Meses después, miro atrás y comprendo que me intimidaron, manipularon, mintieron y amenazaron. Me hicieron callar, me ignoraron y me despidieron. Fui brutalmente golpeada, desmoralizada y volví a por más. El hombre del que me enamoré desapareció a las pocas semanas de que nuestra relación se volviera sexual.
Pero ahora me pregunto if the whole relationship wasn’t just an illusion y me quedé con graves problemas de confianza. Siempre había confiado en mi intuición, mi percepción y mi juicio, pero de repente dudaba de todo lo que hacía.
I wish I could say I was one of those brave, strong women you read about that wakes up and realizes she’s worth more and leaves, but that’s not my story. He left my bed one morning after an incredibly loving weekend and never came back. He woke up one day and decided not to talk to me, not to tell me goodbye, nothing. And I was left reeling for months wondering what I did wrong, why wasn’t I good enough, and blaming myself for not proving myself worthy enough for his love.
Ahora, lucho con los extremos polares de las emociones que siento. Amo profundamente y echo de menos el lado amable y gentil que me mostró, pero odio y temo su otro lado mezquino y violento. ¿Cómo puedo echar de menos a alguien que ha sido responsable de un comportamiento tan vil hacia mí? ¿Cómo podría añorar a alguien que golpeó violentamente mi cuerpo con su odio mientras decía amarme? Lo hago porque el amor que sentía era tan increíblemente poderoso que ha anulado y eclipsado cualquier intelecto.
Y así comienzo mi viaje, un pequeño paso a la vez, de soltar las poderosas garras del amor desilusionado y caminar hacia el amor propio y la paz.
por Cindy Richards
