Cómo superar a un manipulador tóxico

Esto fue lo peor que me pasó en toda mi vida. Ese maldito momento en que lo conocí, cuando nuestros ojos se cruzaron.

Hubieras pensado que nuestra historia sería un momento de Hollywood y que nuestro amor sería eterno e irrompible.

Well, something became eternal after that relationship and that was my hatred toward him. Instead of living the most beautiful days of my life, I’ve gone through real hell raging with fire, tortured emotionally by a crazy and demented SOB.

That’s why I’m writing this. I want to help you because I know how you feel. I know what you’re going through. I know that you want to crawl into a hole and die.

You’re empty inside because he took everything from you by pretending to care, only to consume and use you for his pleasure.

I know there are years of crippling pain and spilled tears behind you. I know that you can’t even cry anymore because your tears have dried out. I know you want to scream, but your voice is gone.

I know you’re walking, eating and living just because you have to. I know you won’t be able to erase the memory of him and how he treated you for as long as you live.

Después de romper las cadenas de su manipulaciones and abuse, I thought I will never love or be normal again. I go out, I talk to my friends, and I put on a fake smile because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems and my pain.

I want to show them that I’m fine, but the truth is, I’m not.

Debajo de todas esas falsas expresiones faciales y esa falsa felicidad, me siento como otra persona sin rostro entre la multitud.

I feel like I’m getting run over and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like my broken emotions and the damage that was done are so much stronger than me.

I don’t know if I’m going to allow myself to live normally again. I don’t know if I’m ever letting anyone get close to me again. I just don’t know how to get that trust I once had back.

I’m not even sure if I want it back…I don’t want to get hurt again…I can’t take it…at least not now.

So this is my story…

Nunca pude leer a la gente desde la primera vez que la conocí. Siempre confié en todo el mundo porque pensaba que todo el mundo era como yo. Nunca tuve nada que ocultar y Me sentía bien conmigo mismo, so I never had the need to present myself as something I’m not.

Esto me quemó muchas veces, pero mantuve mi fe en la gente. Era sencillamente imposible que todos estuvieran podridos y corrompidos por dentro. Siempre les daba una segunda oportunidad porque creía que todos la merecían.

I should have got used to disappointment and betrayal after living through so much of it, but I didn’t, and somehow I would always come back stronger with one more valuable lesson I’ve learned.

But, this time it was different. This time, I was kicked to the ground so hard and I couldn’t get up. I wanted to, but I was paralyzed with fear and pain.

I met a man who enchanted me. I thought he was so special, but deep inside, I had a feeling that I shouldn’t play with fire. Something screamed from inside that I should turn around and go.

But, I ignored that feeling because he intrigued me and I so badly wanted to see what was hiding behind that ‘beautiful’ face and charming smile.

Nunca debí intentar cambiarle. Nunca debí ignorar todas las señales a su alrededor que me advertían que me fuera.

So, I invited him to destroy my life and I gave him the chance of a lifetime, his biggest score ever—me.

Me enamoré de un hombre que sólo se preocupaba de sí mismo.

There was never ‘we’ in our relationship. It was always about him. As long as he was the happy one, as long as his needs and his wishes were taken care of, we were happy.

My voice was fading with each new morning of our relationship. Even when I spoke, I wasn’t heard. It would all go to waste because he never cared about what I had to say.

He never cared about how I felt—if I was sad, angry or even happy. But, every time he had something exciting or sad or it doesn’t matter what going on in his life, I was, sadly, the first person he would tell all about it.

Y tontamente, le escuché. Cuando estaba triste, intenté ser compasiva. Cuando estaba feliz, quería alegrarme por él.

Pero, ¿cómo entender y vivir sus emociones cuando he doesn’t give a damn sobre la tuya?

Me enamoré de un hombre que nunca supo lo que era compartir.

Era completamente egoísta y egocéntrico. Nunca podíamos ser felices al mismo tiempo. Cuando yo tenía una racha de suerte y cada vez que mi vida tenía la oportunidad de mejorar, él estaba allí para destruirla.

He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take the fact that I was doing better, that maybe I was even smarter and more capable than him.

Entonces me hacía sentir miserable con manipulación, culpabilización y luz de gas. He would use everything in his arsenal of emotional weapons just to defeat me and break me emotionally so I knew where my place was—beneath him.

Me enamoré de un hombre tan débil que necesitaba culparme de todo.

He could never face his problems like a real man because he was a coward. And he still is, only now he is feeding some other poor clueless woman with his fantasy stories. And she’s buying it like I did but she’ll see through him, hopefully before it’s too late.

Whenever things didn’t turn out great for him, I was the one to blame. He would take all his anger out on me like I wanted things to go bad for him, like I was happy when he was miserable. Of course, I wasn’t happy.

En primer lugar, porque sé lo que se siente cuando alguien se alegra de verte desgraciado, y en segundo lugar porque su desgracia significó un infierno para mí.

The biggest problem is that I had absolutely no idea how to confront him and even when I tried, all hell would break loose. I had no idea how to explain to him that the fact he’s miserable made me miserable, too.

Wouldn’t that be self-explanatory? Why would I even have to explain that to him? Why would he even think that I wanted to make him feel bad?

Me enamoré de un hombre que me hizo creer que podía cambiarlo.

Every time we hit the wall in our relationship and I couldn’t take it anymore, he would do a gesture, something that gave me hope that he wasn’t so bad after all.

Creí que podría cambiarle, que hay algo dentro de él que puede salir a la superficie. Pero ese fue mi error.

Nadie me obligó a hacerlo; nadie me obligó a estar con él. Lo elegí yo misma y pensé que podría cambiar su corazón. Pensé que podría hacerlo menos egoísta, enseñarle a amar incondicionalmente. Pero estaba muy equivocada.

Little flaws don’t matter. We are all human; we all make mistakes. That’s why I wanted to accept him for who he was, but the evil side of him took him completely over and controlled him. It was no longer about the small stuff.

Su maldad empezó a consumirme y a utilizarme. Su falta de empatía era irreversible y yo no podía hacer nada al respecto.

Me enamoré de un hombre que me hacía dudar de todo lo que hacía.

Perdí la confianza en mí misma. Dudaba de mí misma porque todo lo que hacía nunca era suficientemente bueno. Me sentía tan pequeña y sin importancia como si fuera incapaz de todo. Siempre encontraba un defecto en todo lo que hacía.

Después de algún tiempo, creí realmente en sus duras palabras. Empecé a creer que era realmente estúpido. Perdí toda mi confianza porque me estaba menospreciando constantly. After some time, I was even grateful that he loved me because I thought I was so pathetic that no one else would ever dream of loving me. I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone, so his love was something I had to settle for.

Me enamoré de un hombre que borró mi verdadero yo y creó a otra persona.

He changed me. He forced me to become something I never wanted, something I never was. I remember the sound of my laughter and I remember the look of my smile, but that’s it.

Ya no sonreía ni me reía a carcajadas. Se convirtieron en un recuerdo feliz que también se desvanecía poco a poco.

Las lágrimas y la tristeza se las llevaron. Lo único que sabía era ahogarme en mis propias lágrimas y empapar la almohada en mitad de la noche, cuando él ya no estaba y nadie podía verme ni oírme.

Mis paredes eran mis mejores amigas y lo sabían todo, aunque mi cara contaba mi triste historia con cada una de sus arrugas. Pero nadie quería ver eso.

And, it’s all my fault. Every tear I shed was my own doing. If I hadn’t wanted to save him, if I hadn’t been so curious to see what was going on inside of him, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have needed to be saved.

Me enamoré de un hombre que me enseñó a luchar por mí misma.

Strange isn’t it? But in a way, all this pain I’ve been through, this hell on earth, wasn’t a complete waste. I’ve learned something because I couldn’t take any of his shit anymore.

I’ve learned to fight for myself and take what belongs to me…my freedom.

I was acting a bit selfishly, but I wasn’t doing it to hurt others—I was doing it to save myself. I’ve decided I’ll turn my life around completely. I’ve decided that people who don’t care about me or about anyone or anything aren’t worth my time.

I’ve decided that those people can’t be saved if they don’t want to save themselves.

I couldn’t be saved until I decided to save myself. Until I decided I deserve better than what he was giving me.

I’ve decided I will elegirme a mí mismo from now on. I’ve decided I will love myself once again.

I’ve put him in a storage box deep in my mind. I know that he will always be somewhere inside. I know everything he did will always be a part of me, but it won’t consume and take me over because I’ve finally said, “it’s enough”.

Sé que puedes guardarlo en lo más oscuro de tu mente y de tu alma, como hice yo.

Lucharemos contra ellos toda nuestra vida, pero aprenderemos a controlarlos y a no dejar que vuelvan a controlarnos.