Come superare un manipolatore tossico

Questa è stata la cosa peggiore che mi sia capitata in tutta la mia vita. Quel maledetto momento in cui l'ho incontrato, in cui i nostri occhi si sono incrociati.

Avresti pensato che la nostra storia sarebbe stata un momento hollywoodiano e che il nostro amore sarebbe diventato eterno e indissolubile.

Well, something became eternal after that relationship and that was my hatred toward him. Instead of living the most beautiful days of my life, I’ve gone through real hell raging with fire, tortured emotionally by a crazy and demented SOB.

That’s why I’m writing this. I want to help you because I know how you feel. I know what you’re going through. I know that you want to crawl into a hole and die.

You’re empty inside because he took everything from you by pretending to care, only to consume and use you for his pleasure.

I know there are years of crippling pain and spilled tears behind you. I know that you can’t even cry anymore because your tears have dried out. I know you want to scream, but your voice is gone.

I know you’re walking, eating and living just because you have to. I know you won’t be able to erase the memory of him and how he treated you for as long as you live.

Dopo aver spezzato le catene del suo manipolazioni and abuse, I thought I will never love or be normal again. I go out, I talk to my friends, and I put on a fake smile because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems and my pain.

I want to show them that I’m fine, but the truth is, I’m not.

Sotto tutte quelle finte espressioni facciali e quella falsa felicità, mi sento come un'altra persona senza volto in mezzo alla folla.

I feel like I’m getting run over and I can’t do anything about it. I feel like my broken emotions and the damage that was done are so much stronger than me.

I don’t know if I’m going to allow myself to live normally again. I don’t know if I’m ever letting anyone get close to me again. I just don’t know how to get that trust I once had back.

I’m not even sure if I want it back…I don’t want to get hurt again…I can’t take it…at least not now.

So this is my story…

Non sono mai riuscita a leggere le persone dal primo momento in cui le ho incontrate. Mi sono sempre fidata di tutti perché pensavo che tutti fossero come me. Non ho mai avuto nulla da nascondere e Mi sentivo bene con me stesso, so I never had the need to present myself as something I’m not.

Questo mi ha scottato molte volte, ma ho mantenuto la mia fiducia nelle persone. Era semplicemente impossibile che tutti loro fossero marci e corrotti dentro. Ho sempre dato loro una seconda possibilità perché credevo che tutti la meritassero.

I should have got used to disappointment and betrayal after living through so much of it, but I didn’t, and somehow I would always come back stronger with one more valuable lesson I’ve learned.

But, this time it was different. This time, I was kicked to the ground so hard and I couldn’t get up. I wanted to, but I was paralyzed with fear and pain.

I met a man who enchanted me. I thought he was so special, but deep inside, I had a feeling that I shouldn’t play with fire. Something screamed from inside that I should turn around and go.

But, I ignored that feeling because he intrigued me and I so badly wanted to see what was hiding behind that ‘beautiful’ face and charming smile.

Non avrei mai dovuto cercare di cambiarlo. Non avrei mai dovuto ignorare tutti i segnali che lo circondavano e che mi avvertivano di andarmene.

So, I invited him to destroy my life and I gave him the chance of a lifetime, his biggest score ever—me.

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che si preoccupava solo di se stesso.

There was never ‘we’ in our relationship. It was always about him. As long as he was the happy one, as long as his needs and his wishes were taken care of, we were happy.

My voice was fading with each new morning of our relationship. Even when I spoke, I wasn’t heard. It would all go to waste because he never cared about what I had to say.

He never cared about how I felt—if I was sad, angry or even happy. But, every time he had something exciting or sad or it doesn’t matter what going on in his life, I was, sadly, the first person he would tell all about it.

E stupidamente ho ascoltato. Quando era triste, ho cercato di essere compassionevole. Quando era felice, volevo essere felice per lui.

Ma come si fa a comprendere e a vivere le sue emozioni quando he doesn’t give a damn sul tuo?

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che non ha mai saputo cosa fosse la condivisione.

Era completamente egoista ed egocentrico. Non potevamo mai essere felici allo stesso tempo. Quando ero in un periodo fortunato e ogni volta che la mia vita aveva la possibilità di girare in meglio, lui era lì a distruggerla.

He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take the fact that I was doing better, that maybe I was even smarter and more capable than him.

Mi avrebbe poi reso infelice con la manipolazione, il senso di colpa e la gaslighting. He would use everything in his arsenal of emotional weapons just to defeat me and break me emotionally so I knew where my place was—beneath him.

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo così debole da dovermi incolpare di tutto.

He could never face his problems like a real man because he was a coward. And he still is, only now he is feeding some other poor clueless woman with his fantasy stories. And she’s buying it like I did but she’ll see through him, hopefully before it’s too late.

Whenever things didn’t turn out great for him, I was the one to blame. He would take all his anger out on me like I wanted things to go bad for him, like I was happy when he was miserable. Of course, I wasn’t happy.

Innanzitutto perché so come ci si sente quando qualcuno è felice di vederti infelice, e poi perché la sua disgrazia ha significato l'inferno per me.

The biggest problem is that I had absolutely no idea how to confront him and even when I tried, all hell would break loose. I had no idea how to explain to him that the fact he’s miserable made me miserable, too.

Wouldn’t that be self-explanatory? Why would I even have to explain that to him? Why would he even think that I wanted to make him feel bad?

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che mi ha fatto credere di poterlo cambiare.

Every time we hit the wall in our relationship and I couldn’t take it anymore, he would do a gesture, something that gave me hope that he wasn’t so bad after all.

Pensavo di poterlo cambiare, che ci fosse qualcosa dentro di lui che potesse essere portato in superficie. Ma questo è stato il mio errore.

Nessuno mi ha costretto a farlo, nessuno mi ha obbligato a stare con lui. L'ho scelto io e pensavo di poter cambiare il suo cuore. Pensavo di poterlo rendere meno egoista, di insegnargli ad amare incondizionatamente. Ma mi sbagliavo di grosso.

Little flaws don’t matter. We are all human; we all make mistakes. That’s why I wanted to accept him for who he was, but the evil side of him took him completely over and controlled him. It was no longer about the small stuff.

La sua malvagità iniziò a consumarmi e a usarmi. La sua mancanza di empatia era irreversibile e non potevo farci nulla.

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che mi ha fatto ricredere su tutto ciò che facevo.

Ho perso la fiducia in me stessa. Dubitavo di me stessa perché tutto ciò che facevo non era mai abbastanza. Mi sentivo così piccola e senza importanza, come se fossi incapace di fare qualcosa. Lui trovava sempre un difetto in tutto ciò che facevo.

Dopo qualche tempo, ho creduto davvero alle sue dure parole. Ho iniziato a credere di essere davvero stupida. Ho perso tutta la mia fiducia perché mi stava mettendo in difficoltà constantly. After some time, I was even grateful that he loved me because I thought I was so pathetic that no one else would ever dream of loving me. I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone, so his love was something I had to settle for.

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che ha cancellato la vera me e ha creato un'altra persona.

He changed me. He forced me to become something I never wanted, something I never was. I remember the sound of my laughter and I remember the look of my smile, but that’s it.

Non sorridevo più e non ridevo più ad alta voce. Erano diventati solo un ricordo felice che stava lentamente svanendo.

Le lacrime e la tristezza li hanno portati via. L'unica cosa che sapevo era soffocare nelle mie stesse lacrime e bagnare il cuscino nel cuore della notte, quando lui non c'era più e nessuno poteva vedermi o sentirmi.

I miei muri erano i miei migliori amici e sapevano tutto, anche se il mio viso raccontava la mia triste storia con ogni ruga. Ma nessuno voleva vederlo.

And, it’s all my fault. Every tear I shed was my own doing. If I hadn’t wanted to save him, if I hadn’t been so curious to see what was going on inside of him, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have needed to be saved.

Mi sono innamorata di un uomo che mi ha insegnato a lottare per me stessa.

Strange isn’t it? But in a way, all this pain I’ve been through, this hell on earth, wasn’t a complete waste. I’ve learned something because I couldn’t take any of his shit anymore.

I’ve learned to fight for myself and take what belongs to me…my freedom.

I was acting a bit selfishly, but I wasn’t doing it to hurt others—I was doing it to save myself. I’ve decided I’ll turn my life around completely. I’ve decided that people who don’t care about me or about anyone or anything aren’t worth my time.

I’ve decided that those people can’t be saved if they don’t want to save themselves.

I couldn’t be saved until I decided to save myself. Until I decided I deserve better than what he was giving me.

I’ve decided I will scegliere me stesso from now on. I’ve decided I will love myself once again.

I’ve put him in a storage box deep in my mind. I know that he will always be somewhere inside. I know everything he did will always be a part of me, but it won’t consume and take me over because I’ve finally said, “it’s enough”.

So che potete metterlo da parte nella parte più oscura della vostra mente e della vostra anima, proprio come ho fatto io.

Li combatteremo per tutta la vita, ma impareremo a controllarli e a non lasciare che ci controllino mai più.