I am currently in a phase of my life when I don’t give a damn about love anymore. Probably because of all those bad things that have happened to me. To us. I’ve realized I am an independent woman and I can handle things alone.
So, love, I have a message for you: “Screw you for leading me on all these years!” I trusted you and you stabbed me in the back. I gave you all my youth and all I got was remorse. Remorse because of the day when I said “YES” to you. Remorse because of the kids we have together. Remorse because of the life I am currently living.
Nothing is right anymore. I feel so distant from him and every single action that he does makes me believe all is in vain. But you know, we were a happy couple once. He was my first love—the man I lost my virginity with. He was the man who made butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. And we spent so many great years together. Years of hope, love, trust, and support. But somehow all was gone when we got married.
He didn’t like my job. He didn’t trust me. He thought I am cheating on him. He did everything to make me feel bad. Even if I spent hours and hours explaining to him that I have nothing to do with anyone except him, he didn’t trust me. One night he came back home and said he wanted a divorce. My whole world started falling apart. I just stood there in a state of a shock. Because I didn’t know he thought that way.
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He was actually willing to destroy all those years of love just because he was insecure. And nothing I did could make him trust me again. I was powerless. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t cry. I was just angry at myself for marrying him.
I could have had a better life without him. With someone who was worth my stay. With a man who would support me in my job and my decisions. With a man warm enough to send me a text for good morning. With a man who is as successful as me and doesn’t have problems if I go to business lunches with my male coworkers.
I wish I had him, but unfortunately, I have someone who is totally the opposite. I have a man next to me who is jealous when I dress up. He acts like a child when I don’t answer his calls because I am in the middle of a meeting. He blackmails me that he will ask for a divorce if I don’t change. And he knows I will stay with him because of our kids.
He knows that the heart of a mother will carry that burden for the sake of her kids. To have a mom and a dad—together, under the same roof. He knows I will do anything to make them feel protected. But he also knows that in all that mess, I always forget about myself. I forget that I also have a heart. And it is tired of all those storms that are going through my life. My heart doesn’t have any fuel to continue beating. It doesn’t have love to feed it. There is only a constant feeling of guilt and remorse.
And it is not fading away.
So, I late at night when I stay alone, I sit and think about everything. I am trying to find a solution to my problems but nothing smart comes to my mind. I just think how you won in this game again. You made me feel like crap again. I am looking at my wedding ring and it doesn’t bring any nice memories. I don’t feel special because of you anymore. I just wonder if love makes us weak or it just looks like that.
I can’t stand the fact that I need a strong drink every time I see you because I know you will tell me different crap again. And the same story continues every day. But now I have changed my mind. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t need a toxic man to destroy all my dreams.
I worked my ass off to get where I am now and if you think you can destroy that, you are wrong dude. I don’t need you or anyone else to make me happy. I don’t need a man to makes me fulfilled. I can do it myself. And thank God for giving me the common sense to leave you and start a new page in my life.
And you?
You will probably know what you have lost when memories start to attack you late at night while the rest of the world is asleep. Even your strong drink and cigarettes won’t be able to help you to get over me. My signature is on your heart, but you are not aware of that, baby.
You can’t just get rid of your feelings like that. But I started that process a long time ago.
And finally, I can say: “Fuck love, I want to be single again!” And I will!