For most of my life, I’ve been struggling with my own personality. Who am I? Why am I this way? Am I a good person? What is the definition of a good person?
I expected to be able to differentiate between what’s right and wrong by the time I was an adult but boy was I wrong.
Each day in my life came with challenges of its own. Each new situation I got into posed many new questions on how I should behave.
Being in a relationship with the wrong person gave me so many dilemmas about my own inner wishes and desires.
Different kinds of people in my friendships and romantic relationships led me to many emotional failures.
One by one, each sphere of my life gave me plenty of reasons to start to define who I actually am. I made it a mission to become a person I’m going to like, no matter what.
I decided that those things that make me proud of myself would be the ones I’d be doing from that point on.
I chose to stop giving my time and energy to downright toxic and awful relationships and things.
Even though I did have fun for a while and it made my life exciting to have relationships with bad boys and do wild things, it only left me feeling more desperate. It had me questioning myself more than ever.
What I did was make a decision to think about everything that made me who I am—my parents, my childhood, my other experiences.
I used this trick of thinking about myself as if I was someone else, so I could be more objective.
Once I accepted who I was without holding grudges with the people from my past, I was free to build myself up whichever way I wanted to.
I’ve created rituals of telling myself each morning what I think I should do that day and how I think I should behave.
I visualize my whole day with everything I think it might bring. If I were having disagreements with friends or co-workers in my mind, I thought very carefully about what I would say to them.
Thinking ahead gave me time to think clearly and decide what I want to do without falling into the traps of my own emotions.
What I also did was make it a nightly thing to reflect and think about everything that had happened that day. I evaluated my progress in becoming who I wanted to be.
I can tell you now that I’ve learned many things about myself and also about others. I became a person I can say I’d admire if I met them.
I always choose to do the things I love over the things that society puts pressure on me to do. I follow my instincts.
I absolutely always choose to treat other people kindly and with respect over any kind of profit or interest it may bring me to treat them badly.
I spend time with people who care about me and who show their appreciation for everything I do for them. I’m over wasting my time on people who don’t.
I don’t have a problem with loving myself and taking care of myself but also loving other people and wanting to make both me and others happy.
I’ve thoroughly analyzed each one of my flaws. Some of them I’m accepted as I think they bring some charm to my character.
Those that have been bad for me, I’ve done everything to change and I’ve put great effort into doing this.
One thing that I’ve realized is even though some people may not like who I am or what I’m doing with my life, that’s completely fine.
I’m not living my life for them, I’m living it for myself.
I know I’m not done evolving and there are still many things to do and many things to change but I’m very happy with who I’m becoming. The path I’ve chosen to live is making me very excited and proud of myself.
I’m aware that many people would find this kind of life of constantly searching for a better self difficult but I love it.
One thing I can promise to those people is that even though it is hard, it’s also very rewarding.
It gives me great confidence to be able to admit who I am and what I’ve done and truly love myself for what I’m becoming.