To those it may concern,
I’m not writing this because I’m lacking attention. I’m not opening my heart, soul, and mind to you because I need someone’s pity or anything like that. I’m writing because I can’t keep it in anymore.
I’m used to bottling up my feelings, and then I eventually explode. I hide everything and deal with it on my own. That’s why it takes me ages to patch my broken pieces together. That’s why I drift away and seem distant all the time. How can I listen to somebody else and how could I help if I need to be fixed as well?
I’m struggling with getting over my heartbreak. I’m struggling with moving on. I’m struggling with believing in myself. I’m struggling with getting up in the morning and I can’t sleep at night. I stare at the ceiling wondering if it was me, if I did something, and if I deserved all this I’m going through. Did I deserve to be abandoned? Am I not good enough?
It hurts the most when the person that made you feel special yesterday makes you feel unwanted today. It hurts because your mind convinces you that you’re not good enough. Your mind gives you the speech about how you’re not good enough, how there is somebody else out there and how you don’t even deserve to live, let alone to belong to somebody or be loved by another human being.
When you are around someone so much for so long, they become a part of you. And when they change or go away, you don’t know who you are without them. You’re just left there alone, empty-handed, wondering what to do with yourself. And then your mind—well your mind turns into an asshole that keeps attacking you with anxiety and depression and devastates your self-esteem as if the heartbreak wasn’t enough itself.
Sometimes I feel like straightening my hair, putting on my eyeliner or glossing my lips and then I ask myself: “Why?”. Why would I try to look good, for whom? What’s the point in being pretty when there is nobody there to notice? Why would I pull my best look when the one person that should see me glowing isn’t mine anymore?
The worst part is I really just want to forget, but I still hope that things will get back to the way they were before—you know, back when I was happier. I keep hoping I’ll be happy again.
So, in case you were wondering, the mind of this heartbroken girl is a mess. Inside the mind of a heartbroken woman is a glass that she’s trying to put together again. But instead of putting it back together, she’s just hurting herself.