5 cose che non hai imparato perché sei figlio di un alcolizzato

La vostra infanzia vi ha reso ciò che siete oggi. Le cose che avete visto e vissuto vi seguono per tutta la vita. 

Now, that’s a beautiful thing if you remember your childhood in beautiful pictures; if you have happy memories which make your heart warm every time you think of them.

Ma cosa succede quando quelle immagini non sono così belle? Cosa succede quando si ricorda solo il dolore e la sofferenza causati da coloro che avrebbero dovuto amarci e proteggerci?

It’s something you’re carrying throughout your whole life. It’s something that can consume and destroy you.

Sadly, you’re blaming yourself for not being able to fight the demons haunting you from the past. But what you fail to see is that it’s not your fault. You weren’t supposed to have that crappy childhood, and you couldn’t choose the life to live. You got what you got—an alcoholic parent. 

It’s not your fault because you were the victim of someone else’s mistakes and wrong moves. You were a victim, and you are a victim now.

And because of that, your life is not easy, and it never will be. You are not a quitter, and you don’t want to continue the vicious circle. You don’t want your kids to be faced with living a life they didn’t choose.

Living with trauma such as that raises many challenges you’re faced with, which other people don’t get. Every day is a battle for you. Every situation that others might find trivial can be disastrous to you.  But you’re facing it. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. 

Here’s what you failed to learn, and it’s not your fault: 

1. Nessuno vi ha insegnato come comportarvi

Normal social situations aren’t normal for you. A quiet Sunday evening in a normal house was about spending the evening together, playing games or watching TV.

Your Sunday evening was either being the victim of an aggressive outburst caused by alcohol or watching your parent  fall asleep in the middle of the house with a bottle in their hand.

In the best-case scenario, you could walk away or hide so as not to look at the misery surrounding you. So, today when you simply don’t know how to react to some things that other people think are self-explanatory, it’s not your fault.

You didn’t have a role model to tell you what is right and what is wrong. You didn’t have anyone to look up to. 

2. You never learned it’s impossible to keep everything under control

Quando eravate bambini, la vostra casa era un caos controllato, soprattutto se uno dei vostri genitori era un alcolizzato.

L'altra era cercare di nasconderlo, di costringere il genitore alcolista a mantenere le apparenze. Si investivano molte energie e forze per far tacere il genitore sobrio. 

Dovevate conviverci. Dovevi passare la tua vita in quel caos controllato in cui dall'esterno sembravi una famiglia come tutte le altre, ma dall'interno eri tutto fuorché una famiglia. 

As a result, now that you’re a grown-up, you’re trying to keep everything under control because you couldn’t control anything when you were little. 

Not only are you trying to control your life, but you’re trying to control the lives of other people. You want to fix everything, so no one gets hurt. A lot of people can’t understand your behavior, and they think of you as a control-freak. 

Nessuno di loro capisce perché siete così. Nessuno di loro riesce a immedesimarsi nella sua infanzia dolorosa e nell'ambiente che le ha insegnato a essere così.

3. Nessuno vi ha insegnato a proteggervi da persone dannose

Vi manca il sostegno emotivo. Non hai mai avuto l'amore che meritavi. I tuoi genitori non c'erano mai quando avevi bisogno di loro. Erano egoisti perché erano impegnati con le loro vite, quindi ti hanno ignorato completamente. 

Cercavate attenzione in ogni modo possibile. Forse eri anche problematico, perché in fondo tutto quello che volevi era che qualcuno ti accogliesse e ti abbracciasse. Volevate solo che qualcuno vi prestasse attenzione.

As an adult, you hold on to every relationship you have, even if it’s abusive. Sadly, an abusive relationship is the only thing you were surrounded with when you were a child, so to you, it’s normal. 

You’re afraid if you turn their back even on the people who take advantage of you, everyone in your life will eventually leave. And you don’t want to be left alone. Not again.  

4. Non avete imparato a credere in voi stessi o a rispettare le vostre esigenze.

While growing up, your needs weren’t important. Even more, you probably watched one of your parents sacrifice their own life to help protect their partner and clean up the mess they made every time.

I modelli di comportamento sviluppati in età precoce non possono essere annullati così. Con il tempo possono essere corretti, ma saranno sempre presenti, soprattutto nelle situazioni emotive in cui le persone non riescono a controllarsi facilmente.

Everyday interactions and relationships are especially hard for you. You always do what others tell you because you don’t believe in yourself. You seek acceptance, and you’re scared of conflict. 

You hold on to chaotic and problematic people because that’s the surrounding you’re used to being in and because you respect everyone else except yourself and your needs. 

5. Non avete mai imparato che siete più che abbastanza bravi

Quando eravate giovani, nulla di ciò che facevate era mai abbastanza buono. Inoltre, dovevate costantemente affrontare critiche e delusioni.

Your alcoholic parent never acknowledged or noticed anything you did. Even if they saw it, they walked all over you because they didn’t care.

You’re very ungrateful to yourself. You don’t respect yourself, and no matter what you do, it will never be enough for you. You even verbally insult yourself because you don’t believe in yourself; because you’re insecure. 

There will always be those who will try to persuade you that you are everything opposite from what you’re saying about yourself and what you think about yourself, but those words won’t find their way to you.

How can you see yourself in a positive light, when everything you’re saying about yourself is true from your perspective? 

Come si può amare se non si ha mai avuto la possibilità di imparare a farlo?