A relationship with a hidden abuser is like being sucker-punched over and over again but never realizing that you were in a fight for your life until it’s over.

Sometimes, we fall so hard for a person, we don’t really have the ability to see how toxic that person is for us. We tend not to notice the bad sides of that person.We disregard all the flaws and we give the best of ourselves, expecting that we can make it work. But with abusers, it’s never that easy. We never get our happy ending while they’re still in our lives. They tend to get more power over us than we care to notice and sometimes, we don’t even realize what the hell happened to us until it’s over.

Because we don’t see we’re part of an abusive relationship, we tend to look like living corpses at the end of the story. This kind of relationship always drains the victim and feeds the abuser, and it’s easy to notice which role belongs to whom from one simple look.

To recover from hidden abuse is something that is never easy because it requires self-awareness, and it’s something most of us fail at. In order to recover, you first need to recognize you are part of an abusive relationship.

1. Riflettere su come ci si sente

Being in an abusive relationship means that somebody next to you is taking advantage of you. Somebody next to you has a personality disorder. Somebody next to you is toxic and is actually so good at being toxic that you don’t even notice it.

Per capire qual è la vostra posizione nella relazione, dovete pensare a come vi fa sentire quella persona. Pensate a quanto siete felici e a quando è stata l'ultima volta che avete avuto la libertà di fare qualcosa solo per voi stessi. Pensate a quando è stata l'ultima volta che vi è stato permesso di dare priorità a voi stessi.

If you had to ask somebody to allow you to put yourself first—your relationship isn’t healthy. If you haven’t been happy in a long time and your partner seems not to care or is fine with it, there is something wrong going on. If your confidence has lowered while you were in a relationship, if you feel insecure about yourself, if your partner is happy to see you miserable or is emotionally manipulating you into doing something for him and making you give up on yourself, I hate to break it to you, you have been part of an abusive relationship for longer than you’d like to admit.

2. Educare se stessi

Once you’ve cared enough to take care of yourself and you’ve let the reality of being part of an abusive relationship sink in, you’re going to need to have all the information in order to proceed according to your situation.

Esistono diverse forme di abuso, esistono diverse classificazioni di chi abusa e c'è sempre qualcosa che si può fare. Utilizzate tutte le risorse a vostra disposizione per scoprire quanto più possibile su ciò che vi è accaduto. Scoprite con cosa avete a che fare e agite di conseguenza.

3. Svegliarsi

Once you know what you’ve been a part of, don’t trick yourself into thinking that you can just continue to have that kind of relationship or that everything is going to be fine if you just give it time. Because it won’t.

You need to wake up and for once in life, put yourself first because your abusive partner isn’t going to do that. You need to get your life back into your hands and do whatever you were brought to this world to do—and I can bet it wasn’t to be somebody’s victim or a good soul that some parasite could feed on.

 

4. Creare confini

Putting your walls up is definitely something unhealthy, but having no boundaries at all means you are a well that anybody can drink from, and people will take advantage of it. People will drink your soul dry if you don’t set up some borders.

Prendete le distanze da chi vi maltratta. As much as it may hurt at first, that is as much as it will be a relief once you’re cured. You’re the one in charge of how much power you give your abuser over you, and if you don’t want to have anything to do with that person, that’s more than fine.

Don’t even bother explaining your ‘no’ because you don’t have to. The only person you owe something to is yourself. Make sure you remember this well.

5. Ripristinare ciò che è andato perduto

Nella relazione di abuso, perdiamo molte cose. Nella relazione in cui l'abuso è nascosto, perdiamo quelle cose così lentamente e in modo così discreto che ci dimentichiamo persino di averle avute.

Pensate a che tipo di persona eravate prima del primo contatto con il vostro abusatore. Pensate a quanto eravate felici, a quanto vi sentivate sicuri quando entravate in una stanza piena di estranei, a quanto ridevate e a quanto credevate in voi stessi.

Pensate a quanto credevate negli altri. Ricorda quanti amici hai tagliato fuori a causa di ciò che il tuo abusatore significava per te. Pensate a quando è stata l'ultima volta che avete avuto una conversazione onesta con la vostra famiglia e ricordate quanto fossero grandi i progetti che avevate per voi stessi.

Thinking about how you painted your future, now wake up your ambition to be a better person in a better place. You can do it—it might take time, but after everything you’ve been through, you owe it to yourself to try and restore everything that has been lost. Because nothing is ever lost permanently.

6. Continuare a lottare per se stessi

Don’t give up on trying to make you be better. Don’t stop investing in yourself, in your happiness, in your healing or in your future.

Don’t give up recovering until you’re certain that every sign of abuse is cast out of your system. You’re allowed to put your needs as top priority. You’re allowed to be selfish because you were too generous for far too long.

Do what makes you happy. Pursue what brings a smile to your face and makes you feel better about yourself. And don’t ever stop doing it. Because no matter how much your abuser told you that you were selfish, there is somebody who’ll know the importance of self-love and who won’t ever mistake it for selfishness.

Don’t rush things—don’t make it worse by stressing about why isn’t it over yet. This kind of thing takes time. If you give yourself time, you’ll give yourself enough space to not make the same mistake again.

You went through hell once and you weren’t even aware of it till you were halfway burned out. You deserve to be happy now and you should give yourself time for the right person to walk in your life and walk you through the heavens. Once your storm ends, it’s time for the sun to shine.

Vedi anche: 8 cose che succedono quando si lascia una relazione abusiva