Chi è Esther Perel e perché i suoi consigli e le sue intuizioni sulle relazioni sono di tendenza su TikTok?

Se negli ultimi giorni avete scrutato TikTok, vi sarete imbattuti nei video di Esther Perel che parlano di relazioni.

So che mi ha fatto mettere in discussione tutto ciò che pensavo di sapere sull'amore e sulle relazioni.

But let me give you a brief intro for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.

Informazioni di base

Esther Perel è una psicoterapeuta belga esperta di relazioni. Tra le altre cose, affronta due bisogni umani apparentemente contrastanti: il bisogno di sicurezza e il bisogno di libertà.

In realtà, l'esplorazione del paradosso centrale dell'amore è ciò che l'ha resa famosa.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals.”

Ma non è per questo che ha iniziato a fare tendenza.

A few days ago, TheMindHub posted several short clips of Esthel’s 2017 interview on the Scandinavian talk show Skavlan, where the expert explains the psychology behind cheating, breaks the “one and only” myth, and gives us some hard truths about romantic love.

Ever since TheMindHub revived the interview, the hashtag with the therapist’s name has reached 19,2M views. And the numbers continue to grow.

So, what’s so special about Esther Perel’s views on relationships?

L'idea di una persona per sempre

Ecco una pillola difficile da ingoiare: you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with one person. The concept of “one and only” is outdated and doesn’t work so well in practice.

@themindhub Do you believe in the “one and only”?#EstherPerel #Skavlan #psicologia #psicologo 1TP5Relazioni 1TP5Consigli di relazione 1TP5Amore #foryoupage #fyp #fypシ ♬ Twenty One Pilots Hometown Slowed Sad Part – Blasteran MaLaikat

Many argue against this opinion. But if you look at everything around you, you’ll see that Esther couldn’t be more right.

Of course, nobody is forbidding you from being with the same person “‘till death do you part.” She isn’t saying you can’t love one person for life – she is just stating that for many couples, love runs out sooner or later.

That’s why in modern society, we marry “until love dies.” And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

After all, it’s much better to end your marriage instead of growing old in a loveless relationship.

You have to admit that the concept of monogamy really has changed. Now it means, “one person at a time” (vs. “one person for an entire life”).

Il tempo vola, si cresce come persone e anche le norme sociali cambiano.

Basically, what Esther is telling you is to enjoy the moment. Let people be special to you at this exact moment – that’s more than enough.

Perché imbrogliamo?

@themindhub Il vero motivo per cui le persone tradiscono #EstherPerel #Skavlan #psicologia #psicologo 1TP5Relazioni 1TP5Consigli di relazione #erapia 1TP5Amore #foryoupage #fyp #fypシ ♬ Twenty One Pilots Hometown Slowed Sad Part – Blasteran MaLaikat

Those who criticize Esther’s point of view might say that she is justifying cheating. Well, she’s definitely not – she’s just explaining the psicologia.

Being unfaithful is about desire – not about the sex itself. In fact, an emotional affair that is all about desire can sometimes be more dangerous for a relationship than physical infidelity.

And what is this desire about? It’s about feeling wanted again.

It’s about proving to yourself that you can draw someone’s attention. It’s about all the things people feel deprived of in their primary relationships.

Sì, in molti casi il tradimento serve a guarire un ego distrutto.

In sostanza, afferma che the underlying reason for cheating is our pursuit of something we’re missing – either in our relationship or in ourselves.

“Often, when you’re attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person that you are with. But it is because you want to leave the person that you have yourself become.

And it isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.”

Compatibilità più che amore?

@daily_tao ♥️ #estherperel #loveadvice 1TP5Obiettivi di relazione 1TP5Consigli di relazione #reallove #reallovestory ♬ original sound – Jessie Ася Kanzer ☯️

Here is another piece of relationship wisdom from Esther Perel: there is much more to life than loving another person. No, she isn’t saying that romantic love isn’t important for a happy life.

Al contrario, sostiene che la qualità delle nostre relazioni determina la qualità della nostra vita.

Esther vuole solo che smettiate di romanzare le farfalle e l'eccitazione dell'innamoramento.

Per quanto grande sia questa sensazione, ci sono storie d'amore incredibili che non sono mai diventate storie di vita.

You can’t build a life with someone just because you share incredible chemistry. It’s romantic in theory, but in practice, life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

It’s about paying your mortgage, going through family emergencies, dealing with health problems, co-parenting, fighting financial battles…

In fin dei conti, il vostro partner di vita deve essere una persona con cui andate d'accordo. Dovrebbe essere una persona con cui condividere gli stessi obiettivi e una visione del mondo simile.

Quindi, Esther mette la compatibilità davanti all'amore? Oppure abbiamo sempre avuto un'idea sbagliata di cosa sia l'amore?

Do you agree with Esther’s views? Give me your thoughts on the matter.