Come comunicare con un partner evitante: 10 modi collaudati

Secondo la teoria dell'attaccamento, esistono tre tipi fondamentali di stili di attaccamento relazionale: sicuro, ansioso ed evitante. Ognuno di questi influisce sulla relazione tra due persone.

A seconda delle nostre esperienze passate, per lo più relazioni passate ed esperienze infantili, tutti noi abbiamo creato una di queste stili di attaccamento per noi stessi.

An avoidant attachment style is when a person wants to be close to someone but at the same time, they aren’t comfortable with being in a relationship and sharing certain things with the other person.

Hanno opinioni negative su se stessi e sugli altri.

They think that one day, you’ll use their feelings and their secrets to hurt them; that’s why many people want to know how to communicate with an avoidant partner.

In una relazione sana, entrambi i partner dovrebbero accettare l'altro per quello che è realmente, celebrare le loro differenze e affrontare i loro problemi in modo sano.

Consigli su come comunicare con un partner evitante

Establishing a healthy relationship and communication with an avoidant partner isn’t so difficult; you just have to calm your nervous system and be more patient.

Ecco come comunicare con un partner evitante nei modi più efficaci e comprovati.

Lasciate che siano loro a venire da voi per primi

Don’t chase after them. If you have had a fight or disagreement, don’t constantly call or text them. Don’t text them and they will text you. Your partner will probably need time to gather their thoughts before they’re ready to talk to you.

Let them come to you first. After some time, they’ll cool off and it’ll be easier for both of you to talk and solve your issues peacefully.

Una persona con uno stile di attaccamento evitante è paura dell'intimità fisica. Se hanno deciso di fare questo passo con voi, dovete essere cauti con loro.

If they seem distant or request some alone time afterward, don’t immediately start thinking about how something went wrong. They don’t want to break up, they just need time to process what happened.

You have to be aware that you need to go slowly with an avoidant person. Don’t compare them to your previous partners, nor your relationship with your past ones.

Riconoscere i propri confini

A person with an avoidant attachment style knows how important their boundaries and limits are to them and they try to respect other people’s boundaries.

They won’t be direct about the things they don’t like but as time goes by, you’ll be able to figure it out by yourself.

Then you have to find the right way to deal with it and respond to it. Having boundaries is good for every healthy relationship so you’ll also have to set some of your own.

Show that you’re reliable

Even in times when they request some time alone or some space, you have to respect it but you also have to show them that you’re there for them.

Tell them that you’ll be there if they decide to talk to you. Tell them that no matter what happens, you believe in your strong bond and that you’ll fight it together.

Se avete promesso loro qualcosa, dovete mantenere la parola data. Se vi hanno detto qualcosa in via confidenziale e vi hanno giurato di mantenere il segreto, non dovete ripeterlo a nessun altro.

They must know that they can trust you. If you have had a fearful-avoidant open up to you, trust me, you’ve already achieved great success. Becoming emotionally close to someone is their biggest fear.

Don’t avoid disagreements

You have different opinions and perspectives over some things and it’s perfectly normal that you’ll come into conflict.

However, don’t avoid it. It’ll be good for you. Your partner might unintentionally open up to you in those moments and that’ll be a great way for you to understand how they feel and think about you.

If you both run away from conflict, your partner will continue to bottle up their emotions and it’s only a matter of time before those emotions boil over, which would significantly change your relationship for sure.

Parlate dei vostri interessi comuni

Trovate un terreno comune, degli interessi comuni e parlatene. Questo è particolarmente importante per chi ha appena iniziato la relazione.

Maybe you can find some things that you both like, a common hobby or some TV shows that you both like, something you’ll both enjoy doing or talking about.

You’ll learn so much about each other from performing some activities together.

Afterward, talk about your new experience and how it made you feel. I’m sure it will improve your communication and create a deeper bond between you two.

Chiedete spesso al vostro partner come si sente

It’s very important to know how your partner feels, which is why you should talk about your emotions more often.

Don’t start that conversation only once you see some changes in your partner’s behavior, as it might be too late then.

Questo è particolarmente importante perché sappiamo quanto sia difficile per una persona con uno stile di attaccamento evitante aprirsi con noi e parlare delle proprie emozioni da sola.

Your partner is shy when it comes to talking about their feelings and they’re also afraid that you might use their feelings to control them, which is why they think that the best thing is to keep it to themselves.

Inviate loro un messaggio a metà giornata per chiedere come stanno o come sta andando la giornata.

It’s not just important for them to talk about their feelings for you; you have to talk about their issues at work, their problems with family and all the other things that bother them.

Additionally,  you can’t only talk about their physical health, you must also ask them about their spiritual and salute mentale perché quando si tratta di persone evitanti, la salute mentale è altrettanto importante.

Parlare delle proprie paure

We all have some fears but most people don’t like to talk about them because they don’t think others will understand.

Se il vostro partner si sente libero di aprirsi con voi sulle sue paure, per quanto strane o divertenti siano, dovete mostrare comprensione.

Tell them that they are normal and that they’re probably not the only person with those fears. After all, if they bother them so much, there is always a way to work on them and overcome them.

Parlare dei propri difetti e delle proprie imperfezioni

Show them that you aren’t ashamed to talk about your flaws and imperfections. Show them that you have embraced them and that you accept them as part of you.

Maybe it’ll help them to open up and talk about their flaws and maybe they’ll follow your example and also embrace their imperfections.

Parlare in modo ampio del futuro

If you think that you should have ‘the talk’, you shouldn’t ask them directly how they feel about taking the next step or about your future together.

Parlate del futuro in generale e chiedete loro quali sono i loro progetti per il futuro. Chiedete loro dove vorrebbero vivere, quando vorrebbero sposarsi e quanti figli vorrebbero avere.

From their answers, you’ll be able to understand whether your relationship has a future or not. If they mention you in their plans for the future, then they’re sure they want to spend their life with you.

Tuttavia, potrebbe volerci un po' di tempo prima che decidano di fare il passo successivo.

Abbiate pazienza

With people who have an avoidant attachment style, it’s all about patience.

Per prima cosa bisogna imparare le loro abitudini, poi riconoscere i loro limiti e confini e trovare alcuni interessi comuni che si possono fare insieme.

Dovete dimostrarglielo, perché devono essere sicuri che li amate davvero, in modo che possano aprirsi con voi.

It takes time to build a connection with a fearful-avoidant. If you have strong feelings for them and want to make your relationship work, you’ll have to be patient and take it one step at a time.

Come entrare in contatto con un partner evitante

Una persona evitante non è necessariamente un narcisista. Alcune persone utilizzano lo stile evitante solo per proteggersi dal rischio di essere feriti dalla persona che amano.

It’s possible to connect with an avoidant person and it’s actually pretty simple to do; you just have to be full of understanding and patience.

Dovete anche imparare qualcosa di più sullo stile di attaccamento evitante. Questi sono alcuni dei modi migliori per entrare in contatto con il vostro partner evitante.

Don’t invade their personal space

La prima cosa che dovete fare è accettare il fatto che il vostro partner è un distanziatore. Then, if you really love them, you’ll have to accept it and try to find the best way to deal with it.

If you don’t think that you can accept it and feel the need that you have to change them somehow, then my advice for you is to admit it to them and end things with them while it’s still not too late.

People with an avoidant attachment pattern consider themselves independent even when they’re in a relationship. If they ask you for some space, don’t hesitate to give it them.

Let’s be honest, we all need some personal space in a relationship and only because we have different interests. It’ll also help to keep the peace between you two in your relationship.

Dare loro il tempo di cui hanno bisogno

If we have different interests and need some personal space when we’re in a romantic relationship, then we also need some alone time.

By respecting their need to be alone for some time, you’re showing them that you understand and accept them for who they are.

It’s difficult for a fearful-avoidant to maintain a relationship. They want to be close to someone but at the same time, they worry that they might get hurt so they try to protect themselves.

Per loro è difficile avere una relazione, per quanto la desiderino, e cercano di nasconderlo. Provano emozioni contrastanti e a volte la situazione diventa così opprimente.

That’s why they need some time for themselves. They want to think about their relationship and their partner and they want to organize their thoughts and emotions.

Don’t pressure them

Don’t pressure them into something they don’t want to do. Don’t try to make them do anything because you won’t get the answer you hoped for.

Pressuring them will only make things worse. Avoidantly attached partners like to feel independent and that’s why they don’t like to be told what to do.

Mostrare di comprendere il proprio stile di attaccamento

Tutti abbiamo stili di attaccamento diversi e l'unica cosa che si può fare è accettare il proprio stile di attaccamento. partner’s attachment style.

Li avete scelti, ve ne siete innamorati da soli e ora dovete accettarli per quello che sono. Loro vi hanno accettato, quindi perché dovreste cercare di cambiarli?

You have to show interest and respect for their own needs. I know that sometimes you aren’t okay with their avoidant behavior but you have to find a way to accept it and find the best way to deal with it in healthy ways.

Prove that you’re trustworthy

Mai, ma proprio MAI, raccontare a qualcun altro qualcosa che vi ha detto in via confidenziale; è una cosa che un evitante-dispregiativo doesn’t forgive.

Dimostrate loro che possono contare su di voi ogni volta che ne hanno bisogno. Show them that they can count on you because you’ll always be there for them. 

Have respect for their needs and wants. If they request some alone time or some space for themselves, don’t make a scene and let them have it; it’s just how they need to unwind.

The more you prove that you respect their attachment needs, the closer you’ll get to them and they’ll be able to trust you and open up to you.

Ascoltare più che parlare

It’s okay to open up to your partner and tell them how you feel and it’s okay to talk about your own needs, thoughts and feelings.

Tuttavia, se volete veramente entrare in contatto con un partner evitante, dovete ascoltarlo di più e parlare di meno.

You have to show them that you are really trying to understand their avoidant behavior and that’s why you listen to them so carefully.

Fate in modo che si aprano con voi. Dimostrate loro che possono fidarsi di voi in tutto e per tutto. Cercate di parlare con loro delle loro relazioni passate o della loro infanzia.

Se si scopre il motivo per cui hanno creato quello stile di attaccamento o chi è il loro figura di attaccamento è stato, it’ll be easier for you to find a way to cope with their stile di attacco. 

Andare in terapia di coppia, se necessario

If you can’t deal with your problems by yourselves, then I suggest couples therapy as it’s the only way you’ll be able to handle your partner’s avoidant attachment style.

The professionals at couples counseling will tell you how to get your relationship back on track and how to connect and communicate more effectively and they’ll also explain everything about attachment theory.

It’s truly worth a shot. Besides, if it doesn’t help you, it can’t make things worse for you.

Uno stile di attaccamento sicuro è molto più facile da gestire di uno evitante. Queste persone si sentono a proprio agio nell'essere molto vicine a qualcuno e nell'avere una relazione intima con qualcuno.

Tuttavia, gli evitanti attraggono soprattutto persone con stili di attaccamento ansiosi.

They suit them best because anxious people lack self-confidence and they think they aren’t good enough; that’s why they would do whatever it takes just to keep being in the relationship.

Avoidant people play a little hard to get and that’s why they more often end up with anxious partners. They chase them, which pleases their ego.

Avoidant people didn’t scelgono di essere così da soli, ed è per questo che dobbiamo mostrare la nostra compassione e comprensione.

Il fatto è che tutte le coppie devono attraversare momenti difficili e la vostra relazione con una persona timorosa-evitante avrà sicuramente dei momenti difficili, ma il fatto è che when you truly love someone, you can’t just run away when things become ugly; you have to stay, fight for your relationship and nurture it more than ever.

Speriamo che questi consigli su come comunicare con un partner evitante vi siano stati utili.

It’s hard to maintain a relationship with an avoidant person but trust me, it’s all worth it. When an avoidant falls in love, it’s truly for the rest of their life.