Ecco come ho smesso di scegliere i ragazzi sbagliati

For as long as I can remember, I had the wrong men in my life. Some of them were toxic, some were abusive and some of them were selfish… Some of them maybe weren’t all that wrong, but they were definitely wrong for me. Let me get one thing straight— wasn’t picking guys of a particular type (or at least, I thought I wasn’t); some of my boyfriends were players, you would characterize some of them as nice guys and they all looked different. But, all of them had one thing in common—they all treated me badly.

When I was younger, I thought all of my heartbreaks were due to my bad luck. I didn’t chase any of these guys, they were all actually che mi corre dietro in the beginning. But as soon as they saw they had me, they changed drastically. Some changed the way they behaved with me, some of them just walked away and some acted perfectly until I found out about their lies and cheating. The point is that I’ve had more than one heartbreak and that I was always the one who ended up being hurt or left behind.

Mi ci è voluto molto tempo per capire che tutti noi gravitiamo verso il tipo di persone con cui abbiamo familiarità. Per quanto possa sembrare assurdo, i ragazzi sbagliati erano la mia zona di comfort e, per qualche motivo, avevo il terrore di rompere i miei schemi di frequentazione.

Crescendo, ho iniziato a capire che quello che mi stava accadendo era più di una semplice coincidenza. Ero io ad attrarre questi ragazzi e a sceglierli, senza nemmeno esserne consapevole. Inoltre, ero io a rimanere in queste relazioni tossiche e manipolative. Tutti loro vedevano in me qualcosa che mi rendeva una vittima adatta ai loro giochi mentali e alla loro manipolazione emotiva.

It took me many years of introspection and self-reflection, but now I can say I’ve finally reached some kind of conclusion. I think I can finally say why I was choosing the guys that I was choosing and what it was that finally made me smettete di raccoglierli.

This was hard for me to accept, but the first thing that attracted these guys was my self-esteem—or to be more precise, the lack of it. As far as I can remember, I’ve dealt with my different insecurities. Although I thought these were things people around me didn’t notice, I was obviously wrong. When I was with a handsome guy, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough and when I was with a guy whose main quality was his brain, I thought I wasn’t smart enough.

In ogni caso, ho sempre pensato di non essere all'altezza. E invece di concentrarmi sulle mie qualità, ho scelto di concentrarmi sulle mie imperfezioni. Pensavo di coprire le mie insicurezze, ma gli uomini le percepivano. Sentivano che ero una persona che desiderava la loro approvazione e attenzione. Così all'inizio me le davano, solo per conquistarmi.

Most of the men I’ve dated were actually too good to be true in the beginning. They knew exactly what I needed to hear and they used it. And that was their strategy—once they made me feel wanted and loved, they knew they had me completely and their job was done. After that, I kept doing whatever they wanted just to have their attention and love back.

I was always craving the amount of attention these guys were giving me in the beginning and they saw I became addicted to their approval. Therefore, they could treat me the way they wanted. And most of them did. It was always easy for a guy to convince me I wasn’t worthy and that I should be lucky to have him, no matter how he treated me.

So, if I wanted to break my dating patterns, the first thing I had to work on was my self-esteem. I needed to learn how to love and appreciate myself, before expecting respect from my partner. I can’t say that I’ve accomplished that goal just yet, but I am slowly working on it. I am taking baby steps, but I am teaching myself that it is OK for me not to be perfect and that my flaws are a part of who I am. Once you learn to accettare le proprie imperfezionigli altri seguiranno. E quando imparerete ad amarvi e ad apprezzarvi, il vostro partner farà lo stesso.

The next thing that brought all the wrong guys to me was my fear of solitude. We live in a society in which a single woman is always looked down upon. I was so terrified of being alone, because I thought I could never be a complete individual without a man by my side. So, I kept settling for guys who didn’t deserve me, just so I could have someone next to me.

Anche quando avevo una relazione, vivevo nella costante paura che il ragazzo mi lasciasse, quindi facevo di tutto per evitarlo. Pensavo che li avrei tenuti al mio fianco se avessi fatto tutto ciò che volevano e se fossi diventata la persona che volevano. Naturalmente, gli uomini hanno percepito la mia disperazione e l'hanno sfruttata in ogni modo possibile. Anche la mia paura della solitudine era legata alle mie insicurezze; non è che da sola stessi malissimo, avevo più che altro paura che la gente mi giudicasse, che pensasse che nessuno mi volesse abbastanza da avere una relazione con me. Solo quando ho capito che stare da soli e sentirsi soli non sono la stessa cosa ho imparato a abbracciare la vita da single.

With time, I’ve slowly learned to appreciate ‘me-time’. It was hard in the beginning, but I gave myself time to get to know myself better and to start enjoying things that make only me happy, without having to compromise with my partner. And once I saw that single life is not all that terrifying and that it is something you should enjoy, my dating life also changed. I wasn’t desperate to get into a relationship anymore and that caused me to be more relaxed and indifferent toward guys, which saved me a lot of emotional pain and many heartbreaks. Also, I wasn’t falling into despair if things didn’t work out with a certain guy—I knew I always had a life I could go back to, with or without him in it.

Quando ho smesso di cercare di cambiare i ragazzi intorno a me e ho iniziato a lavorare sui miei problemi interiori, ho rotto i miei vecchi schemi di frequentazione. È stato allora che ho capito di cosa ho bisogno e cosa voglio dalla vita. E mi ha dato la capacità di riconoscere i ragazzi sbagliati dal momento in cui li vedo.

I still can’t say I have found the man of my dreams, but I think I am on a good path. At least, I si è sbarazzato delle persone sbagliate una volta per tutte e lo considero uno dei miei più grandi successi.

Although I am still in the process of dealing with my insecurities, I have come a long way. I’ve realized that the guys I was choosing and the way they were treating me were actually reflections of the value I placed on myself. I was constantly involved with guys who were devaluing me because I thought that was the best I deserved. But now, I’ve finally seen my true worth and I am not ready to give a place in my life to anyone who is not ready to appreciate me.