La dura realtà della rottura con un narcisista (e come affrontarla?)

Living with a narcissist is painful and exhausting. It’s a situation in which you’ve entangled yourself, and no matter how bad you want out, it’s not that easy to just leave.

But after you’ve hit rock bottom, after you were robbed of your self-esteem and self-love, you realize you have nothing else to lose. He has taken everything from you.

Così decidete di andarvene. Decidete di riprendere in mano la vostra vita e di farne ciò che volete. Buon per voi!

But the battle doesn’t end there, not for you.

This is an exciting time for you. You’ve made a big decision.

You’ve made the right decision. But the road ahead of you is full of bumps. You have to be ready to take them.

Dovete essere preparati mentalmente ed emotivamente al processo di guarigione che sta per avvenire.

Breakups are awful, but breaking up with a narcissist is especially hard. You’re going to have mixed feelings, and your mood will change rapidly.

In order to face the changes that are going to happen, it’s better if you know what to expect and what is waiting for you.

Here are some of the things you’re going to experience after breaking up with a narcissist.

Vi sentite ansiosi

Breaking up with a narcissist doesn’t have a happy end. Either he is going to discard you or you’re going to leave him, but he will keep coming back, using all kinds of tattica dell'aspirapolvere per riavervi indietro.

Either way, it’s not going to be pretty.

You’re not going to be okay. Breakups are bad, especially this one.

You know you won’t get any closure ever, and you get nervous because you know he won’t leave you alone.

You know he will disturb you in some way—it doesn’t even have to include contact.

Questo vi fa impazzire e vi costringe a vivere in ansia, con la paura di quello che succederà dopo.

Cosa fare?

Make sure that it’s really over. Try to go no contact with him.

If it doesn’t work, just be as unappealing as you possibly can. Even if he is bothering you, once he realizes that you’re no longer interested, he’ll leave you alone.

Una volta sistemate le cose al loro posto, anche l'ansia si attenuerà. Basta dare un po' di tempo.

Vedi anche: Come far sentire la propria mancanza a un narcisista: 9 modi segreti

You’re obsessed

You won’t let go that easily. There are a million questions you want to know the answer to.

Vuoi sapere se ti ha mai amato davvero? Gli importava di te anche solo un po'? Come ha potuto farti questo? Come ha potuto dimenticarsi di te così in fretta?

The ghost of your diciest relationship will haunt you because you didn’t get closure and you never will.

You will hang on to the bits of the relationship you have left because you aren’t still at ease with what happened.

Cosa fare?

You’ll try to find answers to the questions that are bothering you, but eventually, you’ll let go because you’ll never understand what happened.

You are not a psycho like he is. You can’t understand how his mind works and why he did what he did.

You’re defending him

To be able to accept what has happened to you, you’ll try to rationalize his behavior.

You’ll try to find excuses for the name-calling, for the giochi mentali and the abuse you’ve experienced while you were with him.

You’ll try to give yourself a good enough reason why you stayed with him, and that’s why you’re going to make excuses for his behavior—to make that experience a less painful one.

You’ll come to the point when you start missing him, so you’ll start doing the same thing all over again.

You’ll defend him and think that maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. Don’t fall for this. It’s just your reason, trying to make it hurt a bit less.

Cosa fare?

Don’t fall for the tricks your mind plays on you. The truth is, you don’t miss him; you never did.

Siete stati catturati dal suo incantesimo per così tanto tempo che vi siete abituati all'ambiente tossico circostante. Pensavate che fosse un ambiente normale in cui vivere.

That’s why you crave it. Ignore those feelings, and just remember all the horrible things he has done to you. If you take him back, he will do it again.

You don’t feel the excitement

When you are with a narcissist, you’re used to all the drama happening around you.

C'è sempre qualcosa in ballo e ora che siete finalmente in pace, vi manca qualcosa.

It’s a cruel thing to say, but actually, you miss your narcissist. You don’t miss him for the love or the way he treated you.

You miss him because now that he’s gone, there is no more craziness around you.

It’s all too quiet, and after dating a narcissist this may come as a surprise: You’re not used to having things in order.

Cosa fare?

Trovare qualcosa da fare. Trovate un hobby. Trovate la passione che manca nella vostra vita.

Start doing anything that makes you happy, even if it’s the most trivial thing. It’s one step further to actually being happy.

Sei solo

What happened to you is not that common. It’s not like a regular breakup.

A lot of people who have just gone through a regular breakup can relate to each other, but there aren’t a lot of people who’ve escaped narcissistic claws, so you don’t have a lot of people to relate to.

That makes you lonely like you’re the only one out there. That makes you ask questions such as: Why me? But, you’re not alone.

There are so many people around you who’ve been through the same as you and are quiet, the same as you.

Cosa fare?

Join support groups, and talk about your problem. Don’t keep things to yourself because you’ll crack open.

You can’t keep those emotions inside and deal with them alone.

Parlate con i vostri amici, con i gruppi di sostegno, magari con un terapeuta. Qualunque cosa sia, scegliete qualcosa perché in questo momento avete bisogno di sostegno.

Siete dubbiosi

You were gaslighted in your relationship with a narcissist. You were told you’re crazy; you’re making things up.

Vi è stato detto che reagite in modo eccessivo e che siete la causa di tutti i problemi, persino il motivo principale per cui la relazione è andata in pezzi.

Così, quando ci si trova in momenti di solitudine, ci si mette a pensare. Si diventa dubbiosi su se stessi. Iniziate a pensare che forse il vostro narcisista aveva ragione.

Maybe you really overreacted to some things. Maybe you should have been more understanding. Maybe it’s your fault you broke up.

Cosa fare?

Can’t you see? He is still manipulating you in your mind even though you broke up. This is just the result of all the abuse and mind games you’ve been through.

La mentalità che lui ha piantato in voi è ancora in grado di farvi uscire di tanto in tanto, e vi alimenta i pensieri ridicoli che vi girano per la testa.

Vi vergognate

Ora che finalmente e chiaramente vedete che persona terribile era, ora che vedete tutte le cose orribili che vi ha fatto, vi vergognate di non esservi allontanati prima.

You feel like a fool because you didn’t leave a long time ago, but no one who was in your situation left right away.

Tutti pensiamo di poter aiutare qualcuno, di poterlo cambiare perché, nel profondo del nostro cuore, crediamo che ci sia del buono in tutti.

Purtroppo, questo non è il caso delle persone che hanno un disturbo della personalità. Non possono essere guarite.

They cannot be convinced to do anything different than what they’ve imagined.

Cosa fare?

Just let go. It’s not your fault. His manipulations were designed to completely obliviate you.

Il suo obiettivo era far rimanere la sua vittima il più a lungo possibile con l'impressione che le cose sarebbero migliorate.

You’re angry

Dopo qualche tempo, la tristezza e la sofferenza iniziano a svanire e tutto si trasforma in risentimento e odio. Si incanala il dolore nell'odio.

You couldn’t do this while you were in a relationship, so you’re doing it now when you’re finally free to think by yourself and act the way you feel.

Cosa fare?

Be angry. Let it all out because you will feel better. After some time, you’ll realize that hatred is not going to get you anywhere, and you’ll calm down.

Fate solo attenzione a non cercare la vendetta.

Dovete sapere che non c'è modo di sconfiggere un narcisista. L'unico modo per ferire un uomo narcisista è tagliare i suoi rifornimenti.

Ignoratelo completamente e rendetevi irreperibili.

Just don’t do something stupid in the attempt to hurt him because he will use it against you, and you’ll end up being the hurt one.