Una lettera aperta a Dio: Sono stanca di essere sempre spaventata

Dio,

It’s been a while.

It’s been much longer than I care to admit or that I want to admit. I remember the relationship we used to have. I remember how I trusted you and trusted you to guide me every step of the road I took.

Ho sempre avuto fiducia in voi e questa fiducia mi ha sempre fatto andare avanti.

My mom made us friends and she put in a lot of effort for us to feel close. She told me there isn’t a thing in this world I can’t tell her, but she convinced me that there isn’t a thing I can hide for you.

Quindi devi sapere quanto mi dispiace di aver preso le distanze da te.

As you know, I was always the happiest kid in this world. If something didn’t go in the direction I wanted it, I’d just let it go.

I didn’t cry and I never got mad because I knew you have something better for me. And it turns out you did. Each and every time after a rain, I got to see the rainbow.

And that rainbow was a sign you’re there and that you’re watching my back.

Suddenly, as I grew up, I stopped being your friend. I stopped confiding in you because it just wasn’t cool anymore.

Ho perso la speranza e ho iniziato a essere scontrosa e a odiare tutto ciò che mi circonda.

Ho iniziato a farmi prendere dal panico e a tenere le cose troppo strette, con la costante paura di rimanere senza.

I forgot that mantra from my young age: If you don’t get what you wanted, it’s because there is something better awaiting you.

La verità è che, I’m tired of being scared all the time. I’m tired of breaking myself down only because I’m scared of everything, literally everything. I need you to be friends with me again.

Caro Dio, so di essere stato il più coraggioso quando ho creduto di averti al mio fianco.

I believed there isn’t a thing I can’t live through because I’ve been thrown into many burning fires and I walked out of them unburnt.

I know there is always somebody who’s worse off than me. But in the times of my fear, I tend to forget this.

Continuo a rabbrividire ogni volta che mi trovo in una situazione in cui non mi sono mai trovato prima. Mi spavento per aver svoltato per sbaglio in una strada sbagliata o per aver detto qualcosa di sbagliato.

Ho paura di sbagliare, ma soprattutto ho paura di vivere.

I was a challenger, an explorer, a wanderer, and it all got lost when I lost my hope in you. Actually, I didn’t lose hope in you. I remember giving up on you. And I remember exactly when that happened.

I was at an all-time low. I prayed my hardest and I believed you’d get me out of there until I eventually stopped. I stopped praying and I stopped believing in you.

E ho fatto tutto quello che tu dicevi di non fare. Volevo che ti sentissi come mi sentivo io. Da solo. Ho continuato a vivere così per anni.

I lived thinking I don’t have you by my side anymore. But I was wrong, wasn’t I?

Ho fatto una pausa and looked back at my life. Even if I was constantly afraid, I got further than I thought I would. Everything turned out well, even though I thought it won’t.

L'unica cosa che mi sono procurato sono questi pochi capelli grigi sulla testa per essermi preoccupato troppo.

Now I know I could’ve gone without them if I wasn’t such a control freak. Things would have ended up the way they are now regardless of me panicking about them.

So, dear God, I’m letting go. I’m letting go of my grudges, I’m letting go of my fears, and I’m letting go of this need to make everything perfect and the way I want it.

Please, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting your way. Forgive me for doubting you. I want to be the person I was years ago. I’m going to get there and I’ll get my faith in this future.

I believe there is a shinier way for me. From now on, I’m focusing on the good things you give me rather than on the misfortunes.

It won’t be easy, but I’ll put my trust in you—that you’ll walk with me in the times of my greatest fears or my panic attacks. I trust you’ll save me as you did before.

I know it was you—there couldn’t have been anybody else. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Caro Dio, possiamo essere di nuovo amici?