Ti odio per avermi fatto sentire che era tutta colpa mia

Al mio Preferito Mostro,

I wish I could say I don’t feel a thing toward you. I wish I could say you can’t get to me anymore, but, unfortunately, I’m not one of those women who can find the strength to forgive their abusers in order to move on.

I don’t forgive you and I can’t let go of the things you did to me. I still get shivers when I remember the things you did to me and the things I let you do to me. I hate you for it.

Even though I know better now, I’m going to ask myself for the rest of my life why I wasn’t good enough.

I still wonder if I’m ever going to be able to shake the feeling that all of it is my fault and if I’m ever going to stop apologizing for the things I am not guilty of.

Mi hai fatto sentire completamente inutile. Mi hai rovinato emotivamente facendo la vittima delle circostanze che hai creato e facendomi sentire come se fossi il mostro.

You blamed me for you going out and drinking every night. It was my fault you showed up late, smelling of another woman’s perfume.

Because if I had been good enough, you would’ve never done something like that.

You made me out to be a lunatic whenever I wanted to know where you’d been. Mi hai fatto sentire come se fossi io quella pazza quando ti ho spiegato che non passavamo mai del tempo insieme, che non ero più la tua priorità, e tu hai detto che era colpa mia se non mi dimostravi più amore.

And then, after you’d said your fair share of words that cut my heart like knives, you’d leave and I’d stay sobbing on the floor, asking myself how I got there.

The truth is, you came across as a truly nice person and that’s why I held on so long. I held on and held on and I couldn’t let go until there was only letting go left.

Fino a quando Sono finito in un incubo, one from which I couldn’t wake up. The worst part of that nightmare was the fact that the monster who haunted me was actually the man I loved.

Nobody ever told me that monsters are real. Nobody ever told me that they look like people. Nobody warned me you’d turn into a monster the minute I fell for you.

But that was how the things needed to develop so that you’d have so much power over me. You needed me to love you in order for you to be able to have me under your feet, incapable of getting up.

Vedi anche: 5 modi in cui i narcisisti vi costringono ad abbandonare la vostra relazione

I am so mad at myself for being so nice, for apologizing for the things I didn’t do, for making you my life, for being dependent on you, for wasting my time on you, for forgiving you and missing you when you weren’t around and allowing you to get back with me whenever you wanted, even though I knew better.

 

 

I deserved better than being ignored, better than being someone’s punching bag, better than being manipulated and I deserved better than you.

I tried to show you how much the things you did to me hurt, but I couldn’t. You never let me.

But if I had been to able to show you how much you hurt me, you’d have never had the courage to look me in the eye again. Maybe that was the main reason you never wanted to hear how I felt.

Forse è per questo che non mi hai mai permesso di raccontarti le cose che mi hai fatto.

Mi hai detto che ero colpevole di tutto questo e che me l'ero cercata. You told me I shouldn’t have been so sensitive or stupid or naive. You left me emotionally drained, confused and feeling useless. Each time you came after me, I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I ever did was right and I was blamed for all your mistakes.

La parte brutta è che volevo che tu fossi mia. Ti volevo, nonostante sapessi quanto facesse male stare con te. Ho accettato di essere torturato, perché avevo troppa paura di perderti.

Avevo paura di perderti, finché qualcuno non mi ha fatto capire che non tutto ciò che perdo è una perdita. E perderti non è stata una perdita. È stata una beatitudine.

Non mi sono mai sentito così potente come quando mi sono liberato dalle tue catene. Non mi sono mai sentita così persa come quando sono rimasta senza di te, perché non c'era nessuno che mi dicesse cosa fare.

Despite that, I had never felt more free in my entire life. I was drained and lost and scared, but I knew that no matter what happened to me from that point, it couldn’t be any worse than what I’d already been through.

So che tutti noi dobbiamo imparare delle lezioni nella vita e tu, mio caro mostro, erano la lezione peggiore che mi sia mai capitato. Mi pento molto di questa lezione e mi vergogno di averti permesso di fare di me il tuo burattino per così tanto tempo.

Ma quando è troppo è troppo. Basta.

The monster in you created somebody so strong that you can’t even wrap your head around it. Even though I get shivers from flashbacks of the times when we were together, I am not afraid of you.

You can’t blame me for anything anymore. You can’t torture me and you can’t bring me down.

Questa ragazza si è svegliata dal suo peggior incubo. Non hai più alcun potere su di me.

Fai una vita bella e molto distanziata, lontano da me,
Da "Quello che è andato via".