Cosa significa quando un narcisista tace (e come reagire)?

Tutte le vittime di abusi emotivi vi diranno che non c'è niente di peggio di quando il narcisista tace. Ironicamente, la maggior parte di loro testimonia di preferire gli scatti d'ira e i litigi all'ostruzionismo.

Ebbene, tutti coloro che soffrono di un disturbo narcisistico di personalità (NPD) ne sono ben consapevoli e sanno che il trattamento silenzioso di una persona può essere la forma più dolorosa di abuso emotivo.

Per quanto possa essere difficile ammetterlo, queste persone hanno una mente contorta e cercano modi diversi per svalutare le loro vittime e alla fine farla franca con i loro modi malati.

Se avete avuto un ex marito o una ex moglie narcisista o siete coinvolti con un partner narcisista in questo momento, conoscete la procedura.

They shut down out of nowhere, stop responding to your texts and phone calls, and completely vanish from your life. Or they’re still physically present but act like you don’t exist.

For someone who hasn’t experienced this hell, the narcissist’s silent treatment sounds pretty harmless. In fact, some people will probably tell you that it’s not such a big deal.

Well, it is. It does not only destroy your self-confidence but, what is even worse, it drags you even deeper into a narcissistic net – which is exactly what your abuser wants to accomplish.

So, the question arises: How should you respond when a narcissist goes quiet? Before we get there, let’s scratch beneath the surface and understand what this stonewalling is and why it happens in the first place.

Che cos'è il silenzio tossico o l'ostruzionismo?

In poche parole, l'ostruzionismo o il silenzio tossico consiste nell'evitare ogni possibile forma di comunicazione.

It doesn’t necessarily have to include someone physically disappearing from your life – si può ricevere il trattamento del silenzio dalla persona accanto alla quale ci si sveglia ogni mattina.

We’ve all been in a situation where our il partner si rifiuta di parlare con noi dopo un litigio. When you ask them what’s wrong or what’s bothering them, you get short or blunt answers.

In most cases, they’re che ti illumina a gas. They’ll try hard to convince you that everything is perfectly alright and that you’re imagining things. In the meantime, their body language and actions will tell you something completely different.

At the end of the day, you can’t help but wonder if you’re going crazy. Have you done something wrong that caused this reaction?

Siete responsabili di questa situazione? Come potete migliorare la situazione?

While you’re asking yourself all of these questions, you’re simultaneously doing your best to get to your significant other. You just want to find out what you can do to make things better.

But every time you make an attempt towards reconciliation, you face a stone wall. Or they’re out of your life completely, and you can’t reach them at all.

Maybe they’re still physically present but act completely emotionally detached from you. Either way, you feel utterly lost.

It’s like this person is trying to make you read their mind. They refuse to cooperate and communicate but at the same time are punishing you for the mistakes you’re not even aware of making.

If they were the one who did something wrong, before you know it, you’ve forgotten all about it.

Even if we’re talking about infidelity or abuse – you just want your loved one back, and you’re ready to do whatever it takes for your relationship to go back to its old ways.

Il circolo infinito dei trattamenti tossici silenziosi

Perhaps the worst part is that you don’t know where you stand. Your entire life is practically on hold.

If this is happening for the first time, you can’t possibly know what to expect. Is this a break-up? Will you get any closure? Or will they ever start communicating with you again?

At this point, some victims do their best to move on with their lives – especially in cases when the narcissist is not physically present next to them.

Per quanto doloroso, accettano che la loro relazione sia finita e si concentrano a raccogliere i pezzi del loro cuore.

Tuttavia, questo è di solito il momento in cui il Il narcisista cerca di tornareproprio quando stavate per dimenticarli. Proprio in quel momento, riappaiono nella vostra vita.

E voi cosa fate? Chiedete una conversazione matura su tutto quello che è successo?

Sadly, no. You’re overjoyed that you have your loved one back to the point where you’re too scared to start any arguments.

You just go with the flow and start acting like nothing ever happened. Before you know it, you’re trapped in an endless cycle of toxic silence.

They’ve gotten away with this behavior this time, haven’t they? So, what’s stopping them from repeating the same thing over and over again – practically everytime they feel like it?

Nothing, that’s right.

Vedi anche: Come rendere un narcisista ossessionato da voi in 9 semplici passi

Quando un narcisista tace, perché succede?

Prima di imparare a gestire questa tecnica narcisistica nel modo giusto, è necessario capire perché si verifica.

First and foremost, let’s be clear about one thing: Le persone che soffrono di un disturbo narcisistico di personalità (NPD) hanno un modo di pensare e di comportarsi completamente diverso.

Therefore, don’t try reasoning with their methods. Don’t put any effort into walking in their shoes, and don’t look at things from the perspective of normal people.

The name says it all: this is a personality disorder. That means that you can’t change them or help them. In fact, nothing besides professional treatment can cure them.

Il punto è che i narcisisti hanno una visione piuttosto distorta della realtà. Se volete andare a fondo delle loro intenzioni, dovete dimenticare tutti i principi logici e i valori morali che avete adottato nel corso della vostra vita.

Dovete invece indossare i loro occhiali e, solo per un momento, osservare il mondo come lo fanno loro. Allacciate le cinture e lasciate che il viaggio abbia inizio.

Una potente arma di punizione

Vi siete mai trovati in una situazione in cui un narcisista vi fa qualcosa di sbagliato? Scoprite la sua infedeltà, vi urla contro o vi maltratta in qualche modo.

La reazione naturale è quella di volere delle scuse, se non altro. Volete chiarire le cose e volete comunicare ciò che è appena accaduto.

Ma cosa fanno? Vi dicono quanto sono dispiaciuti? Si assumono la responsabilità del loro comportamento tossico?

No, invece di questo, iniziano comportarsi come una vittima. All of a sudden, you’re the one guilty of exposing them.

You’re guilty of having the nerve to accuse them of something they’ve actually done. They turn the tables on you and do everything they can to make you look like the bad guy.

Worst of all, they succeed in their sneaky intentions. Before you realize what’s hit you, they give you the silent treatment.

In quel momento, in un batter d'occhio, si dimentica la causa iniziale del problema. Inoltre, si dimentica chi l'ha causato e, inconsciamente, si inizia a stare al gioco e si assume il ruolo di colpevole.

Suona familiare, vero? Beh, that’s the trick of this entire scheme – the narcissist is not only doing this to take the blame off themselves – they’re also doing it to punish you.

All'improvviso, si iniziare a dubitare di se stessi. They’re obviously offended by your reaction or accusation, so you begin to wonder if you really overreacted.

Now, you become the one who apologizes. You ask for their forgiveness, and you’re ready to do anything just to have them talk to you again.

But let’s look at things from this perspective. What should you do when this happens once more? Because this phase will go away sooner or later.

Torneranno to you, acting like they’re giving you some kind of mercy by returning to you.

Nevertheless, let’s face it: they will do something to hurt you again in the future.

Quando ciò accadrà, resteranno completamente impuniti. You won’t have the courage to confront them about anything they did to you. Instead, you’ll walk on eggshells around them, afraid of getting the cold shoulder again.

No matter how much they hurt you, you won’t call them out on your actions. Why? Because you know what’s coming next.

You know that you’ll have to go through being ignored and endure the silent treatment time and again. So, you think it’s better to let them be than to experience this hell again.

Relazione dominante-sottomessa

When a narcissist goes quiet, you feel like a little child who’s being punished for misbehaving. Well, that’s exactly how a narcissist perceives you.

No, they don’t see you as their child in terms of their unconditional love for you. They think that they’re above you.

Hanno questo senso di diritto e di superiorità, che dà loro il diritto di educarvi, il che include punizioni diverse.

This person sees you as submissive. You two are not equal partners in this relationship, nor can you ever be. Instead, they’re the dominant one: the one who owns you and the one who has the right to “teach” you what’s right and wrong.

Controllo dei danni

You have to be aware of one significant thing here: an entire narcissist’s life and personality are based on a lie.

It doesn’t matter if they’re consciously lying to you to present themselves as better than they are or if they’re subconsciously lying to themselves: this is all their deception.

But this charade can’t go on forever, can it? A volte, una persona narcisista rimane intrappolata nella rete delle proprie bugie.

When that happens, they get paranoid that you’ll discover them. Maybe you’ll see their true colors, or you’ll realize that half of their alleged past is a big fat lie. Some narcissists even live double lives, so they’re scared of being busted.

In questo caso, devono ritirarsi per un po'. They’re actually doing some serious damage control: they’re putting effort into repairing what can be repaired in an attempt not to blow their cover and lose their mask.

Quando un narcisista tace sui social media

Simultaneously with this “physical” ghosting, a narcissist will usually scomparire o tacere sui social media. Of course, you will assume that this is all your fault – something you did or said hurt them so bad that they’ve literally given up on life.

La verità è ben diversa. Don’t forget that covert narcissists need attention and validation the same way you need air to breathe.

Therefore, if they’re about to be discovered (or already have been), they won’t be posting that on their current profiles.

Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that they will go completely offline. They can’t stand not having a bunch of followers or social media friends admiring them. They can’t stand not being able to show the world that they’re above everyone else.

That’s why they’re probably activating backup profiles you have no clue about.

I hate to disappoint you, but this is also a red flag that your narcissist has a new girlfriend or boyfriend. They’re literally presenting their latest victim with their new identity and want to avoid any chance of their two lives becoming intertwined.

Una mossa vile

Sometimes, a narcissist engages in damage control when they know that they did you something extremely wrong. They know very well that you’re furious, and rightly so, and that the only way to escape your anger is to stay away from you.

When he or she ghosts you, you have no opportunity to call them out on their actions. You can’t ask them for an explanation, nor can you get even.

Così, invece di comportarsi come un vero adulto che affronta le conseguenze delle sue azioni, scappa. Fanno una mossa vigliacca e si nascondono, aspettando che si calmino e si calmino.

Whether you like it or not, with time, you will process the things that have been done to you. No matter how much harm they caused, after a while, you’ll put your pain second and start to think about their whereabouts.

Without even being aware of it, you partially forgive them. You come to terms with what they’ve done, and when that happens, they reappear in your life.

Once again, you welcome them with open arms the very next day. And that is exactly how they’ve repaired the damage they made.

Ricerca di attenzione

Le persone che soffrono di narcisismo sono alimentate dall'attenzione. E si aspettano soprattutto da voi, la loro vittima principale.

All'inizio della vostra relazione eravate pazzi di questa persona. Avevate occhi solo per lui ed era il centro del vostro universo.

Nevertheless, as time passes, you’ve started noticing that they weren’t as perfect as they seemed. Even though you still love them and are still by their side, you’re no longer fascinated with every word they say and move they make.

You no longer see your narcissistic boyfriend or girlfriend as pure perfection. As much as you love them, you’ve realized that they’re just human beings, with all of their flaws.

In a healthy relationship, this would be a good sign. It would mean that the initial attraction is gone and that you’re finally accepting each other for who you really are.

But don’t forget that nothing about a narcissistic relationship is ever healthy. Therefore, a narcissist sees this as a threat.

Lui o lei non riceve più la quantità desiderata della sua offerta narcisistica. Ciò significa che deve trovare un modo per riconquistare l'attenzione che riceveva all'inizio.

And what better way to do it than by making you wonder? What’ better way to do it than by making you afraid of losing them?

What’s better than giving you the cold shoulder and making you fight for their love again?

Campagna diffamatoria

Another possibility is that your narcissist’s silent treatment is actually a cover for a smear campaign they’ve been organizing against you. Basically, they’re trying to ruin your reputation and invalidare l'utente ancora di più.

Of course, they’re doing it in the sneakiest way possible. They’re spreading lies about you, and they’re trying to get your loved ones on their side.

If this is true, we’re talking about the consequence of narcissistic rage. They’re angry at you for not obeying them or for not giving them the attention they craved, so they’ve decided to get back at you.

Un grande ritorno in piano

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse who’s become aware of the situation you’re in, when a narcissist goes quiet, you think of this as your final break up.

Let’s be honest – even though you’re perfectly aware of who this person really is, you still love them.

Therefore, you don’t take them walking away from you easily. Your heart is broken, and you miss them, despite knowing you shouldn’t.

Ma allo stesso tempo, il tuo cervello vi dice che questo è il vostro biglietto per la salvezza. This person has been stalking you one way or another for a long time, and now it seems that they’ve finally disappeared.

As much as it hurts that you two hadn’t made it, your rational side tells you that this is actually the best thing that could ever happen to you.

Now you’re finally free to move on from this toxic relationship and work on your self-healing and well-being.

Beh, mi dispiace essere quello che fa scoppiare la tua bolla di sapone, ma purtroppo.., nella maggior parte dei casi, questa non è altro che la calma prima della tempesta. Infatti, il vostro abusatore narcisista si sta probabilmente preparando per il suo grande ritorno.

Bomba d'amore

When you start to forget about them, they’ll reappear on your doorstep. And the worst part of this is that all of their love-bombing will begin again.

They’ve used this time to think about new strategies. If they’re out of their narcissistic supply, they’re desperate to get it from you, and they’ll choose any means to achieve their goals.

All of a sudden, you’ll get the person from the beginning of your relationship back. Wow, it looks like all of your dreams are coming true.

Questo brutto periodo è stato solo un incubo che per fortuna è alle spalle. Ora siete tornati insieme e potete avere il vostro "vissero felici e contenti".

You wish! Sadly, this is nothing but another one of your narcissist’s charades. Before you know it, they’ll go back to their old ways, and you’ll regret ever taking them back.

Svalutazione

When a narcissist goes quiet, they’re doing the worst thing that can be done to any person in this world: they’re making you feel invisible.

In precedenza, vi hanno allontanato da tutti coloro che vi circondano. Probabilmente non avete più i vostri migliori amici, il rapporto con i vostri familiari non è mai stato peggiore e non avete nessuno con cui parlare al lavoro.

Basically, you’ve lost everyone who ever cared about you, everyone except your abuser.

Consequently, they’ve become the only source of love for you. They’re the one who determines your value and the one who holds your life in their hands.

So, what happens when this person starts to ignore you? When the only person who’s giving you attention stops? When the only person you think who loves you stops loving you?

Logicamente, si perde il senso di autostima. Se loro hanno rinunciato a te, cosa puoi aspettarti da tutti gli altri?

If they can’t give you crumbs of their respect, why would you respect yourself?

It’s pretty obvious that you don’t deserve anyone’s love or appreciation. You’re not enough, and your value is so low that you don’t even deserve a reaction from your abuser.

Don’t worry: these are the thoughts every single victim fights with when a narcissist goes quiet. In fact, this is exactly what every narcissist wants you to think.

Tattica di manipolazione

You must be asking yourself, “What’s the final goal here?”. Well, it’s much easier to manipulate someone once you get rid of their self-worth.

And that’s what your abuser knows all too well. A narcissist wants to see you at your lowest, so they become your only light at the end of the tunnel.

They’ve already made you codependent on their attention. So, now, they’re giving you the toxic silent treatment to take that away from you.

They’re showing you that you need them. You need their response and reaction, and you need to communicate with them to stay sane.

Once they prove to you that you’re good for nothing, you’ll forever see them as some kind of royalty. Once they humiliate you in the worst way possible, dominance and controllo su di voi diventano pezzi di torta.

Nuova offerta narcisistica

Finally, when a narcissist goes quiet, it could mean that they’ve switched their attention to a new victim. You have to be aware that this man or woman has never seen you as an individual: from day one, they’ve looked at you as a suitable victim.

Maybe they’ve gotten tired of you. Perhaps they’ve seen that you became too difficult to manipulate. Maybe they weren’t getting as much attention from you as they used to.

Or maybe you became submissive to the point where you’ve ceased to be interesting.

Either way, the bottom line is that you’ve dodged a bullet. Their energy is somewhere else now, and even if you don’t understand it now, you should thank God for it.

La vostra più grande benedizione

Do you know what’s possibly the worst about soffre di sindrome narcisistica della vittima? It’s the PTSD you develop with time. It’s a fact that you don’t want your abuser to leave you. Per essere precisi, lo vedete come lo scenario peggiore.

Actually, you’re convinced this is true.

You’ve been brainwashed to the point where you think that you love this awful person. You’ve been manipulated into thinking that you would be utterly lost without them.

Beh, lasciate che vi dica che il vostro abusante si concentra sulla sua nuova offerta narcisistica è la più grande benedizione che possiate affrontare. Il vostro narcisista che vi lascia is the biggest favor he’s ever done for you.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m heartbroken for this new person who has no idea what they’re getting themselves into. But hey, this means that you’re finally off the hook.

I won’t lie to you: it will take you a long time before you realize this. Nevertheless, the moment you do, it means you’ve taken a step on your viaggio di guarigione.

Cosa fare quando un narcisista tace?

Quindi, quali sono i passi da compiere quando un narcisista diventa silenzioso? Qual è il miglior meccanismo di coping per questa situazione?

Essere consapevoli della realtà

Let’s be honest: we’ve all been guilty of giving someone the silent treatment at some point.

So, if your partner has left in the middle of an argument or hasn’t responded to your phone calls for a few hours after a big fight – it doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily a narcissist who ti sta ostacolando.

Nevertheless, there is a huge difference between this happening once and between this being a habit of theirs. In the latter case, it’s pretty clear what you’re dealing with.

So, for starters, let’s not see this as a minor inconvenience. Instead, this kind of behavior is a huge red flag, and it is an alarming signal of an abusive relationship.

Don’t sugarcoat things and be aware of reality. It’s the only way for you to process it and finally solve it.

Abuso emotivo

That’s why it’s crucial to call things their real names. This is a form of abuse. As hard as this might sound, it’s the truth.

You see, there are many ways someone can abuse you besides physically harming you. Emotional and verbal abuse is very real, and it is what you’re dealing with here.

Dopotutto, come altro si potrebbero chiamare questi tentativi di manipolazionesvalutandovi e punendovi?

Don’t play their mind games

After you’ve gathered all the intel, your number one worry is how to respond when a narcissist goes quiet. Well, the answer is something you’d probably never expected to hear: you don’t.

You see, this toxic person counts on your reaction. They consider themselves so sneaky that they won’t have any trouble getting you involved in their giochi mentali contorti.

That’s why you have to show them that the best way to win them is by not playing at all.

Yes, this will take a lot of effort and self-control on your part. It’s normal that you want them to talk to you. You want to get to the bottom of this issue, one way or another.

Invece di inseguirli e di implorarli per una conversazione onesta, basta ignorarli. Vivete la vostra vita come se non stesse accadendo nulla e, a vostra volta, fate loro il trattamento del silenzio.

Per cambiare, siate colui che non ha contatti. Don’t post sad quotes or songs on your social media profiles, expecting them to see.

Don’t stalk them, and don’t go around complaining to people about them ghosting you. Don’t try reaching out, and don’t send them any signals or hints.

Not giving the narcissistic partner control

Fidatevi di me. Questa è l'unica cosa che un narcisista non ha mai visto arrivare: tu che li hai scoperti. Si aspettavano che piangessi o che fossi furioso.

Si aspettavano che cercaste di farli ingelosire o che vi sedeste davanti a casa loro, pregandoli di parlarvi.

But this is something they could never predict. And that’s exactly why it’s the only thing that will leave them confused.

Most importantly, it will show them that they haven’t succeeded. All of their manipulation techniques failed.

They don’t have full control over you, contrary to what they believed. They haven’t managed to brainwash you, and despite everything, you’re much more than their puppet on a string. So, I guess you’ve rotto il loro incantesimo.

Turn it into “you” time

Invece di passare tutto questo tempo a lamentarsi della grande perdita, fatevi un favore e godetevi il vostro tempo senza tossine.

Let’s face it. This person will come back into your life. So, è meglio ricaricare le batterie when you have the chance to do so because you’re up for many more challenges and fights in the future.

Ripercorrete l'intera relazione e decidete se questo è ciò che volete davvero. Vale la pena lottare per questo? O è giunto il momento di rinunciare a questa persona velenosa?

I think both you and I know the answer. Nevertheless, your romance shouldn’t be the only thing on your mind right now. Instead, you must work on yourself.

Iniziate a ricostruire le altre relazioni che il vostro maltrattatore vi ha rovinato.. No, I’m not talking about jumping into a new romance here.

I’m talking about your close friends and family members. Do your best to reconnect with some of them – just to see that there is a beautiful life outside of this hell you’re trapped in.

Ma soprattutto: lavorare sul rapporto che avete con voi stessi.

Put maximum effort into finding your true self – the person you were before this monster marched into your life. Put all of your energy into regaining your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth and self-love.

If you still don’t have what it takes to chase this person out of your life for good, at least become a stronger version of yourself for when they do return.

Stabilire limiti sani

Cosa succede quando un narcisista si mette in silenzio e poi torna da voi? Lo scenario ideale sarebbe quello di buttarlo fuori dal pic e di chiudergli la porta in faccia il giorno dopo.

But I’m sure that you’re still not ready for these drastic measures. In that case, what you must do is set healthy boundaries.

Now is the time to calmly tell them that this is not acceptable behavior. Don’t yell, don’t play games, and don’t accuse them of anything.

Just directly tell them that this is not something you’ll tolerate in the future. Date loro la vostra visione di una relazione sana e stabilite la direzione in cui volete andare.

Mantenere le promesse

Infine, mantenete le vostre promesse. La cosa peggiore che possiate fare è lanciare minacce vuote senza mantenerle.

Quando il narcisista torna a tacere, fategli sopportare le conseguenze delle sue azioni. Otherwise, you’re just giving them the green light to keep on treating you however they want.

Pensieri finali:

When a narcissist goes quiet, they’re not only giving you the silent treatment (as if that alone wouldn’t be enough).

They’re also gaslighting you and playing with your mental health. Ironically, by ignoring you, they’re pulling you even closer to them.

Bene, you’re the one who has to break that cycle because they won’t do it for you. In fact, they’ll probably never admit their true intentions.

Invece, la dura verità è che un narcisista abuserà di voi per tutto il tempo che glielo permetterete. That’s why you have to find the last atoms of your strength and chiuderli.

So che tutto questo sembra troppo difficile o addirittura impossibile da gestire. Ma vi assicuro che potete farcela.

Si guarire da questo abuso. Dovete solo fare il primo passo! Siete pronti?