I haven’t felt like I was attractive enough for the last, I don’t even know how many years. I was somehow never able to fit into the beauty standard everyone is shoving down our throats. No matter what I did or how much I changed, it was never good enough.
Although at first, I didn’t seem to notice something was so awfully wrong (it wasn’t) with my body, others often made sure to let me know that loud and clear.
This caused me to question my sanity. I wasn’t even sure if I loved myself anymore?! My mental health took a toll on me and years of struggling were in front of me. However, this also marked the beginning of my long journey to self-love.
I was nothing but skin and bones to other people
Ever since elementary school kids would pick on me because of my weight. It didn’t help that I was the tallest girl in my class, even taller than all the boys.
Teasing from my peers didn’t really surprise me, unlike grown-up people who would comment on my body all the time! And yeah, they didn’t have many positive things to say.
I heard lots of different comments over the years, most often the ones trying to be disguised as funny and harmful. “Do you have anything to eat?” Yes, Karen, I eat plenty of food. Heck, I sometimes even ate more than my dad.
All of this made me really self-conscious and insecure. I always wondered how the world praises models like Bella Hadid and does everything to look like her, while they treat me like I’m some kind of a skeleton.
One day I checked her height and weight, and all her proportions, only to find out that the only difference between us is that I have wider hips. (Sure, I’m also not a billionaire, but you know what I think.)
What also really bothered me was that no one understood my pain seriously. Some would find it funny that I am self-conscious because I am skinny. “I wish that was my problem!”, they used to say.
People can’t understand that someone saying you are too skinny is just as insulting and hurtful as someone calling you overweight.
The worst thing wasn’t even the fact that random people would give themselves permission to speak about my body. The real downfall of my confidence began when I started dating.
Worst of all, my partner’s hate exceeded everyone else’s
Whenever we were together, his intense gaze would leave me almost naked. While his eyes were wandering over my body, the tips of his fingers painted on my body like its canvas. I would wait in the desire to see where his next touch would lead us.
As his eyes continued to trace every inch of me, it almost seemed like he was searching for something. I was right. He was searching for ways to demolish my already broken confidence.
What I thought was a pure moment of satisfaction for both of us, turned out to be nothing more than him trying to find my flaws. I didn’t realize how much words can hurt until I heard them from someone I deeply loved.
“Real women have curves. You would look better with more meat on your bones. It’s like you’re almost invisible,” he would say. Every word would cut deeper into my mind, hurting like nothing I ever experienced.
I’ve gone through this hell for a couple of months thinking that he’ll change and fall in love with my body. When I realized that wouldn’t happen, it was like something just switched in my head and I started thinking differently.
My self-love surpassed it all
After a really long time of doubting myself, and trying to figure out what is my problem, I realized that the problem was never in me. All the time it was in other people, their hidden insecurities and reflection of their shaky confidence onto me.
I realized that a person who is primarily fulfilled with themselves and happy in their skin would never act purposely in a way that would hurt someone. They are busy with their life and don’t want to waste their energy on such negative things.
Those people are also aware they won’t gain anything from hurting someone’s feelings (besides good old karma), while unhappy people get a quick dose of satisfaction from putting others down until they return to their sad, miserable lives.
I chose my happiness over insecurities
Once I distanced myself from negative people and surrounded myself with kind people, I found my long-lost confidence and love for myself. I now think my body is perfect just the way it is.
Everyone’s body is beyond perfect even though we don’t realize it. Your body keeps you alive, your legs take you wherever you want, your brain helps you create amazing things and every cell in your body has some function which it tirelessly performs every second. Our bodies truly are a miracle.
You should never lose hope because what isn’t attractive to one man, another one will happily praise! At the end of the day, the most important thing is up to us. How can we expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves?