There is a song by James Arthur saying: “I met you in the dark, you lit me up. You made me feel as though I was enough”. There is also a saying when you’re happy, you listen to the songs, but when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics. Right now, I am not sure which one of these two scenarios is mine.
I just know that I am insecure and I can’t help myself. It’s nothing you have done—it’s something that life gave me as a gift. I’m constantly dwelling on ‘if I am enough’ thoughts, and I’m constantly anxious about the two of us. I’m just waiting for you to walk out of my life because that’s what’s familiar to me.
I’ve always been just a stop down the road to others, never a final station.
People would visit my life, but they’d never stay. They liked me and I liked them, and we might’ve clicked as well, but that didn’t stop them from leaving. It’s like I wasn’t good enough for them to stay. As if there was something wrong with me. And that’s hard. Because all I ever wanted was for somebody to actually make an effort and stay.
Once people got what they wanted, they’d leave.
Some of them would leave without a goodbye. Some would have a stupid excuse why I am not welcome in their life anymore, and others would exit at the speed of a tornado, leaving nothing but a mess behind them. That’s how you found me—in a mess, broken, and utterly unlovable.
And I’ve been too strong for too long now.
I never cared to admit how scared I am to people that might leave me. Not because I’m afraid of loneliness but I am afraid of the memories I’d create with those people.
And my imagination keeps making a scenario in my head where somebody chooses me for a change and stays. I think that’s what makes my disappointments even greater. The idea that I see people way better than they really are is what’s killing me.
That’s why I need to know you won’t let go.
That’s the reason I’m giving you a hard time straight from the beginning. I need to know you’re strong enough to withstand the storm that is me. I need to know you won’t let go when things get rough. I need to know I’m not just some random station to you—I need to know I’m your destination.
You’re my special one.
I never thought I might find somebody like you, but yet you crossed my road, and I’d like you to stay. But I don’t let myself imagine us having our ‘forever’ since I was mistaken so many times before. I do know your value—I am just unsure of how big of a role will you have in my life if you’d like to stay. Therefore, to let you in, you have to prove me that you won’t let go.
To let you in, to allow myself to be confident about you, you need to show me all you’re saying. I don’t need to hear your empty promises. I don’t want you to promise me the moon and the stars and everything that I wish for—but only for a while. I don’t need temporary people in my life anymore. I am tired of those.
I need a man who’ll stay. I need a man who’ll make an effort and I need to know I am so valuable that you’re scared of being without me. Because only then I’d be able to show you how I love. Only then you’d get to see all the wonderful sides of my affection and only then can we talk about love. I can’t accept anything less and I know I shouldn’t.