You must’ve experienced a mom-shaming yourself. I had no idea it even existed until I became a mom. At the very same moment, everyone started telling me what to do.
It was at a barbecue party that my parents organized to celebrate my dad’s birthday.
– “I’ll take him, you should get some rest”, my cousin said and I thankfully handed her my 3-month-old son. But as soon as she took him, the baby started crying.
I took him back and he was calm again. My cousin seemed kinda insulted and told me:
– “He would have come down.”
I forced myself to smile and replied:
– “He doesn’t like to be held by anyone but me.”
She gave me a lesson in front of everyone:
– “You’re making the big mistake to comfort him as soon as he starts crying. He was just fine.”
I was trembling and felt discomfort. My self-confidence disappeared.
What if I was wrong?
I felt like everyone was staring at me, the incapable mom. I couldn’t take it any longer, apologized to my parents, took my son, and left home.
This is quite common, when you’re a new mom everyone feels entitled to give you advice and make comments about your parenting choices.
It happens to many women, suddenly you’re flooded with everyone’s opinions and judgments on your parenting style.
Mom-shaming starts as soon as you get pregnant
First, they feel it’s ok to make comments about your weight. Then they keep asking you about the due date. When the baby is born they ask about their weight and height and then compare it to their children’s.
Then you get a blast of assessments that sound like questions but are actually statements about your mistakes. As the baby grows you get even more of those:
“Baby needs to sleep alone in his bed, you will make him too dependent on you.”
“Is he cold?”
“Maybe he’s hungry?”
“Maybe he’s thirsty.”
“Do you breastfeed? Why not? I breastfed my kids until they were two. You have no idea how crucial it is for their development and well-being.”
“Maybe you’re low on milk, he looks skinny. Why don’t you supplement with formula.”
“He must get used to staying with someone else. You need to get out of the house sometimes.”
“Oh, you do? We don’t allow that in our house?”
“I would never let my baby cry herself out until she falls asleep. That’s inhumane!”
“Oh, just let him eat if he likes it. Kids love sweets.“
“If you just do it like this, your kid would have no choice but to do what you’re asking.”
“He’s still wearing diapers? I potty trained my kids when they were one year old.”
“He needs to socialize, why are you being overprotective?”
“I can’t believe you’re allowing him to watch TV? Screens are a no-no.”
“What kind of mother lets her kids play in the dust?”
“Sleeping was never an issue for us. Probably because we did it right at the beginning.”
“Have you tried bouncer? It worked miracles for us.”
“I promised myself when I become a mom I will never do that.”
I was overwhelmed with an excessive amount of advice that I didn’t ask for. It felt like I was wearing a huge sign above my head:
“I’m a mom, please come to tell me what I should do! Please judge me if I do things differently than you and feel free to give me your opinion. I know you know better than me.”
I felt like someone was constantly trying to amend my actions and override my decisions. Then, parenting helped me learn:
You have to believe in yourself
My main problem was insecurity. Also, I was so focused on avoiding conflicts and it was very hard for me to set up any boundaries. I could not tell people “Ok, thanks, but I didn’t ask for your advice.” That’s why I often felt like I was doing it all wrong.
I doubted myself, and my parenting skills. I was scared I would spoil my son…
After a couple of years, I became more confident so I could handle all that criticism and judgment. I started following my intuition and I realized I KNOW what’s best for my child. Of course, I make mistakes sometimes, but who doesn’t?
Mistakes are there to help us become better parents. Those who understand their children’s unique personality traits and know how to satisfy their needs.
Now that my boy has started school and I have a few years of parenting experience, I’m telling you, there are so many different ways and styles of parenting and they all could give amazing results. It’s up to you to decide!
You get to choose what works for you and for your kids. It’s not like one-size-fits-all. We are all different and so are our kids. We can assess what’s best for them according to our experiences and we know what will make them respond.
I still don’t understand why people feel the urge to share their opinions about when kids should be potty trained, how long they should breastfeed, what they should eat, and how they should behave.
When I’m talking to a new parent I try to share my experience only if they ask me for advice. I don’t “teach” them how to handle their kids.
And next time someone tries to give you a piece of unwanted parenting advice just show them this video: