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How Can You Live With Yourself, Knowing What You Did To Me?

How Can You Live With Yourself, Knowing What You Did To Me?

What you did to me was horrible and there is no doubt about it. I know you keep telling yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong to me and I know you keep justifying yourself in front of yourself and in front of everyone else. I know you are not consumed by guilt and that you don’t blame yourself for all the hell you put me through. I know you are probably doing all of this because you can’t face all of the horror you made me go through and because you couldn’t look at yourself in the mirror if you admitted everything you did.

But saying all of this to yourself doesn’t change everything you did and doesn’t change the essence of who you are. It doesn’t change the fact that you betrayed me, disappointed me, that you took advantage of me, that you used me and that you broke my heart and broke me into pieces. It doesn’t change the fact that you are a toxic manipulator and a selfish man who takes care of your needs only and it doesn’t change the fact that your behavior toward me was never OK.

Although that is something I am learning to accept and although I am trying really hard to learn to live without you and to learn to live with the fact that you obviously never loved me, there are still some things I can’t understand when it comes to you. I’ve stopped looking for reasons why you did all the things you did to me but I still don’t know how you could have done all of them. I still don’t know how come you have no conscience and how you could live with yourself knowing you’ve hurt me in the worst possible ways.

I still don’t know how you can sleep peacefully knowing you are the cause of my nightmares, knowing I am the one crying myself to sleep every night. How can you sleep peacefully knowing there is someone out there waking up in the middle of the night screaming, traumatized for all the things you’ve done?

How can you live with yourself knowing that you betrayed the only girl who loved you unconditionally? How can you continue living your life knowing that you’ve disappointed me and that you ruined everything I fought so hard for?

How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you cheated on me and that you replaced me with a girl who will never have my worth? How can you kiss this girl, promising her all the things you promised me and living the life with her that we planned? How can you hold her in your arms, knowing how much damage your betrayal has done to me?

How can you think you are a good man, knowing that you took advantage of my love for you, knowing that you were only using me for your ego and knowing that you were never actually honest with me?

How can you live with yourself knowing that you ruined everything beautiful that went on between the two of us and that you ruined my chances of being happy?

How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you’ve damaged me for good, knowing that you’ve changed me forever? Knowing that you’ve made me stop believing in happy endings and in love, knowing that you’ve turned me into a bitter and negative person that I never was before?

How can you be peaceful knowing that you pretended to be someone you clearly are not and knowing that you lied to me all along while I was nothing but honest with you? Knowing that you led me on while you needed me and then dumping me like I never meant anything to you? Knowing that you played with someone’s emotions, knowing that you manipulated and emotionally abused the woman who loved you?

I guess these are all the questions I will never get answers to. Because I assume you don’t know them either. And maybe it’s better this way. Maybe I can’t understand all of this because I could never be like you and because I could never do the things you did to me.