Parei de me culpar pela dor que me causaste

O lado feio de ser humano é que somos os responsáveis por decidir quanto valemos. E eu nunca estive preparado para carregar tanta responsabilidade.

Culpava-me por tudo. I willingly made myself a victim because I kept you on a pedestal. I kept thinking there is no way you could’ve done something wrong to me.

I decided I was the one unworthy of being loved and I was the one to decide that I am not worthy enough to be happy. But I was wrong. I was so wrong…

Foste tu que me fizeste questionar o meu valor próprio. Estava sempre a perguntar-me se era suficientemente bonita ou se me estava a comportar corretamente. Era sempre tão dura comigo mesma e estava sempre a deitar-me abaixo. Sempre que estavas infeliz com alguma coisa, eu culpava-me sempre a mim própria. Pensava que era sempre algo que eu fazia que te fazia sentir assim.

Sabes, nenhuma mulher deveria duvidar tanto de si própria. No woman should ever feel like she isn’t good enough or that she isn’t worthy. Nenhum homem deve permitir que a sua mulher se sinta indigna do seu amor.

No woman should ever be blamed for the actions of one man because no matter what happened, everybody should take his fair share of the blame. It took me awhile to get on board with what I knew a long time ago, but when I finally did, I realized I wasn’t guilty of all those things I put on my shoulders. I wasn’t the one that should be blamed for all the pain you caused me. So, I just stopped putting the blame on myself.

I stopped questioning what was it that I’ve done. I stopped staring in the mirror and pointing fingers towards my reflection as an answer to why you treat me badly. I stopped questioning why wasn’t I enough and I started realizing that I will never be good enough for the wrong person, but I will always be good enough for someone who truly cares.

I stopped comparing myself to your other dolls. I know I could never be like them, but I also got that I shouldn’t. Because in my attempts to be them, I’d lost myself. And I might not be what you want me to be, but one day, I’ll be exactly what somebody else was searching for his whole life.

I stopped looking at you as if you were God’s ultimate creation. I stopped thinking you were perfect and I stopped putting you on a pedestal. I stopped being the one always bending the knee and I stopped accepting to be a victim for love.

Deixei de confundir o que me deste com amor.

Deixei de imaginar o nosso futuro juntos. Deixei de acreditar que tu e eu alguma vez seríamos nós. Deixei de romantizar o meu sofrimento e deixei de confiar no nosso timing. Porque nós nunca iríamos acontecer de verdade. Por mais que esperasse, por mais que me iludisse a pensar que o futuro nos traria dias melhores, nunca estiveste verdadeiramente de acordo com isso. Desististe de mim antes mesmo de começarmos.

Por isso, eu também desisti. E ainda bem que o fiz.

I was always the type of girl who believed in love. I was always the type of girl who believed in a better tomorrow and in the idea that human nature is changeable. But it isn’t. You couldn’t be changed. You couldn’t be taught to treat me right. You couldn’t be taught that causing pain is a bad thing when you so enjoyed doing it.

Tu causaste-me a primeira ferida com a tua incapacidade de me amar, mas eu causei todas as outras ao acreditar que as coisas iam mudar. Tu começaste, mas eu continuei. E as coisas foram ficando cada vez piores.

Decidi stop investing my love into something that isn’t going to work e salvar-me enquanto ainda tinha hipótese.

Years from now I won’t regret saving myself, but I sure as hell would regret having stayed with somebody who was unable to love.