Me enamoré de ti tan inocentemente. Eras mi mejor amigo, del que me enamoré rápidamente, conociendo tu personalidad enigmática y angustiosa. Éramos jóvenes, sí, pero creía de todo corazón que resistiríamos la prueba del tiempo. Crecimos juntos; compartimos amor, risas, lágrimas, dificultades y siempre salimos adelante. Entonces, ¿qué fue mal?

I poured myself into you. Now, as a free woman, I see just how you drained me—how I lost myself to you in my inept attempts to save you, to help you. You were doomed from the start. You became my living hell and abused my love time and time again, somehow always shifting the blame or making yourself the victim.

¡Noticia de última hora! Eres una persona terrible.

How many times did I have to listen to you, with your head in your hands, moan about how you were this awful, self destructive individual. About how I deserved better and how you ruin everything you touch. How ludicrous to think how those times were always met with me comforting you, telling you you weren’t a monster, that it’s fine and that I’ll help you through it. How often did I unknowingly put my own mental health aside to assist you with yours? Too many times is the answer. You pulled the same boring, monotonous crap when I called you out on your behaviour, when I stood there and said your selfish behaviour wasn’t right. You’d fight me on it, but being the feisty girl I am, I would not back down. Not at least until you played the same trick, bowing your head and forcing out tears, dry sobs about how you hated been called selfish.

Eres la persona más egoísta y egocéntrica que he conocido.

Our last year together was the hardest time of my life. We moved in together and pretty soon, I became pregnant. It was unplanned but I was thrilled. You took some time coming round to the idea, although you will deny that profusely now. That’s okay though. I understood as it was a bit of a shock. Over time though, I needed your support then. I needed you to be there for me, to help me as we lived in a home I was completely nervous about being in alone. That was too much for me to ask of you. You insisted sigues saliendo y teniendo vida social. Volvía a casa del trabajo, sola, embarazada y con miedo. Pero eso nunca fue suficiente para que cambiaras de actitud. Seguías llegando a una hora ridícula, vomitando en el fregadero de la cocina, plenamente consciente de que me levantaba temprano para ir a trabajar.

Debería haber visto las señales entonces.

Te suavizaste a medida que yo crecía, pero nunca lo suficiente como para darme la sensación de seguridad que una mujer embarazada tiene derecho a recibir de su pareja. Luego nos mudamos a una preciosa casa nueva más cerca de la familia, perfecta para criar juntos a un niño como una pequeña unidad feliz. Se suponía que iba a ser el comienzo de una vida increíble y feliz. Llegó nuestra preciosa hija y durante dos semanas todo fue perfecto. Parecíamos felices, como cualquier padre primerizo. Un bebé sano, precioso y tranquilo sólo podía unir más a una pareja tan fuerte.

Qué equivocado, completa y totalmente equivocado estaba.

Como un ciervo sorprendido por los faros, te quedaste paralizado. Evitabas volver a casa del trabajo a una hora razonable, alegando constantemente que no tenías cambio para el autobús. Seguías insistiendo en salir por las tardes un par de veces a la semana, a pesar de que trabajabas seis días y, de todos modos, tenías muy poco tiempo con tu hija. ¿Dónde estaba mi tiempo? ¿Cuándo tuve mi libertad? Cada momento que me quitabas, me lo quitabas a mí. No tenía más remedio que hacerlo todo, luchar contra todo yo sola.

Me perdí a medida que la depresión posparto se apoderaba de mí. Estuve sola con mi pequeño hijo perfecto la mayor parte del tiempo mientras tú hacías cualquier cosa para escapar de la responsabilidad de ser padre. Me sentaba contigo en las raras ocasiones en que estabas cerca y te rogaba, te suplicaba. Te dije que me sentía como una madre soltera, que luchaba por sobrellevarlo, por manejarlo y que necesitaba desesperadamente que estuvieras a mi lado. Te pedí ayuda a gritos muchas veces. ¿La respuesta que obtuve? “I’m going to bed. I need time to process this”. Never have someone’s words nor actions cut so deep into my chest as those did then. How irrelevant had I become to you at this point that you could just so easily dismiss me and ignore the very real reality that I was fading away? Then you, my best friend and partner of several years, you betrayed me further.

Me traicionaste de la peor manera posible.

You fell in lust with someone else. You became the clichéd villain in my story and confessed attraction to your work colleague, one of the very colleagues you’d introduced me to, who had met our child and who I’d befriended. You met up with her behind my back to discuss those “Feelings” on a day that should have been dedicated to myself and your daughter. And later that day, you dropped the bomb shell.

“I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore”. That’s right, you didn’t even have the balls to tell me there was someone else.

Not until I forced the truth from your lips. That was when it began to unravel. Because this was not the first time you’d done this to me. A year and a half prior, the same thing occurred. You’d nearly made out with another work colleague on a night out. And that time had killed me, as well as any self-esteem I’d once possessed. Now you were trying to strip me of it again. Despite the immense pain and anxiety you were causing on an hourly basis, we agreed to try and work through our “issues” on the agreement that you were to stop contact with said colleague until we knew where we were. You see, I couldn’t bring myself to instruct you to never speak to her again as I understood how much you’d miss that friendship, how it would affect the circle of work friends you had. How much of a complete and utter moron could I be? Because you didn’t stick to the agreement. You messaged her. But not only did messaging her not satisfy you, no, you had to message her the gooiest, romantic pile of rubbish I sadly had the fortune of landing my eyes upon.

Aún así, después del dolor, la traición y la agonía absoluta de tus acciones, insistí en darte una oportunidad para hacer lo correcto.

And you took that chance, making promises you had no intention to keep. You dragged my suffering on for weeks which turned into months. You pulled the same crap again—of never been home on time, never taking responsibility for your child. On your ONLY day off, you would disappear for a couple of hours or more and refuse to ever take your child with you. You refused me the time away from parenting that you felt you were so entitled to give yourself in great generous amounts.

Véase también: Antes de darle otra oportunidad, lee esto

Se acabó en el momento en que decidiste quedarte fuera más allá de medianoche sin darme ninguna indicación.

¿Pero tuviste las pelotas de hacerlo? Por supuesto que no. Intentaste todos los trucos posibles para alejarme, para que fuera yo quien acabara con todo. No era una técnica sutil y me negué a darte la salida fácil. Siempre eras tú el que echaba la culpa, el que evitaba la responsabilidad. Así que por una vez en tu miserable vida, tendrías que hacerlo tú. El cobarde que eres tardó dos semanas antes de finalmente morder la bala.

Upon our separation, I asked you for one thing. I asked that you respect me enough to not go running into the arms of the very woman you emotionally cheated with…

Two weeks later, you confessed you’d arranged a date with her. After nine years together, after I’d brought our child into this world, that’s the level of respect you had for me? I regret to say, even then, with all the anger, hurt and betrayal rushing through my body, I still didn’t see you for exactly who you are. After all the arguments, breakdowns and tears, you remained stony and cold in your level of respect for me. You played sneaky, devious, trying to make out that I was the cheat by incorrectly wording your stories. You tried to play the victim and say that I had moved on quickly by seeking physical validation with someone else. It really doesn’t take a genius to understand that that’s what my intentions were with such interactions. You used my role as primary parent as a weapon, accusing me of doing just that when really it was about taking care of myself.

That’s right, I put myself first and you tried to make it about you.

Te hiciste la sorprendida cuando te expresé mi preocupación por el hecho de que cuidaras sola de nuestra hija durante un periodo prolongado. ¿Cómo podía confiar en que te las arreglarías si no me habías dado ninguna prueba de ello desde que nació? Luego intentaste acusarme de no haberte dado la oportunidad. ¿Cuántas veces había suplicado y llorado para que me ayudaras, para que actuaras como un padre y me ayudaras?

And even after all this, I hadn’t hit rock bottom. Not yet.

I reached the lowest point barely days ago. We had gotten to a point over the span of a couple of weeks where we were talking like two decent human beings. We were becoming friendly again, reminding me of the friendship we used to have and that on lonely nights I craved so badly. You lulled me into a blissful, false sense of security, where I’d got my friend back—the best friend I missed and whose absence had hit me just as hard as the loss of a long-term lover. Then the bomb hit. You had arranged to go on a double date with the girl you cheated on me and left me for with our joint best friend. Not even 4 months after our separation. And, once again showing your absolute cowardice, it wasn’t even from your lips I learned this from.

I have spent the last 2 days crying like I’ve never cried before. And you saw those tears. You saw the rawness of my face, the redness in my eyes as I tried desperately not to completely lose myself to the pain.

It wasn’t enough for you to completely ruin my world, to show a complete lack of remorse and respect for me, to belittle my feelings so harshly. No, you had to introduce your new foolish girlfriend into our joint friendship group so soon, without a single thought thrown my way.

En una sola acción egocéntrica, has conseguido aislarme, violar mi espacio y romperme por completo más de lo que nunca antes lo habías hecho.

Do I think it was done maliciously? No. But that makes it worse. I have such little space left in your life, in your thoughts that my emotions, still very fraught from your previous assaults, meant so little to you. I didn’t once cross your mind while you made such nefarious plans. I spent nine years of my life loving you and I’ve somehow become that irrelevant to you.

He pasado los últimos días llorando, pero también presa de la ira, del odio. Tu anterior amabilidad se siente como otra traición. Has vuelto a querer lo mejor de mí. Quieres lo mejor de todo: que vuelva la chica que elegiste por encima de tu familia y tu mejor amigo. No mereces ser feliz. No mereces una vida fácil. Nunca merecerás la parte de mí que una vez te di tan fácil y prontamente.

Hoy he tenido mi epifanía. La misma que me habían dicho cientos de veces desde que rompimos.

No vales mi odio. I realised that I can voice my opinions, tell you about the harm you constantly keep inflicting upon me. I can scream and shout and cuss until I’m blue in the face, until there are no more tears left to cry. I can berate you. I can breakdown before you as I have done numerous times before. I can plead and I can beg. I can continue to waste my precious energy on the anger and hatred I feel towards you and the very girl I considered a friend.

Pero, ¿qué sentido tiene?

You will not listen. You will not change. You will not care. You will continue to be the “woe is me” guy. You will continue to be selfish, self-centred and cruel. You will not stop being the person I now know you to be. You will still be the narcissistic, cowardly little boy and nothing I say will change that. You are not worth the energy it takes to be angry. I’m only keeping myself down as I hold onto that grief-induced fury.

Eras la causa de mi angustia. Ahora no eres nada. Eres irrelevante y seguiré recordándomelo el resto de mi vida si es necesario.

No estoy arreglado ni creo que lo esté en mucho tiempo. Lo que sí estoy es rota y por fin lo reconozco. Tú seguiste aumentando el daño, añadiendo más grietas hasta que finalmente me hice añicos. Ahora puedo recomponerme. I will not be the same and nor do I desire to be. I will create a beautiful mosaic from the remnants of who I once was as I design a better, stronger me. I will focus on loving me and learning about myself. I will discover who I am as an individual and I will grow stronger with each passing day that I refuse to allow the anger and resentment to rule me. I will become the best version of myself and I will work hard to achieve that. And along the way, you get no part of the creation. You do not have the privilege to know the new me, to bask in my light or to share in my friendships. You have destroyed any chance of that happening. You will always play a part in my life, as my daughter’s father, but your role to me personally will be miniscule.

No me reiré de tu desgracia cuando el karma te haga una visita, ni me importará.

From this moment forth, you are nothing more than my perfect child’s biological father and that is all you will ever be.

The road ahead for me will be tough and that is terrifying but also exciting. I will have down days; I will have up days. There will be times where I want to cry my eyes out, whether that be from the stresses of single parenting, loneliness or heartache. But I will remember at those times of hardship that I escaped—that I had a lucky escape and that separation really gives you clarity to the hell you were submitting yourself to.

Soy un mosaico en construcción. Seré la versión más hermosa y vibrante de mí misma, hecha con los pedazos rotos de mi antigua persona. Seré más sabia. Seré más inteligente y, lo que es más importante, seré más feliz. La gente lleva meses diciéndome lo mismo: que no permita que la amargura y la ira me dominen. Puede que me lo hayan repetido miles de veces, pero hasta que por fin me di cuenta por mí misma, la tarea era imposible. Viviré cada día para mí y para mi Hija de 1 año. Me respetaré. Me cuidaré mejor. Aprenderé a quererme.

por Katie Aspinall