Tudo o que precisa de saber sobre os ultimatos nas relações

Os ultimatos nas relações são sempre uma má ideia? Todos eles são destrutivos para uma relação, ou alguns deles são de facto saudáveis e necessários?

People call them ‘relationship killers,’ and if you want to check whether it’s true, keep reading below.

Eu definiria os ultimatos saudáveis como um tipo de compromisso que os casais fazem para manter uma relação saudável e bem sucedida.

Most people see ultimatums as really big threats to their relationships. I wouldn’t call it that. Relationship ultimatums are just how one partner wants to get their way if the other side refuses to compromise.

As long as you keep them realistic and healthy, they won’t be a threat to your relationship.

However, they won’t have a positive effect if you use them to control your partner and want to force them to do something they don’t want to.

Unfortunately, the thing is that most couples tend to be misguided about relationship ultimatums. That’s why ultimatums have become one of the most common reasons for breakups today.

I couldn’t agree more with the very famous relationship expert, Paula Quinsee.

Disse ela, “The worst thing you can do is give your partner an ultimatum or make them feel like they are being forced to make a decision.”

Na verdade, a maioria dos especialistas em relacionamentos concorda que, na maioria dos casos, quando alguém faz um ultimato à pessoa amada, o tiro sai pela culatra.

They don’t get the response they hoped for; it only creates an emotional distance between partners.

Os prós e os contras dos ultimatos nas relações

O facto é que os ultimatos nas relações têm vantagens e desvantagens.

It can save a relationship sometimes, while on the other hand, it can become a killer for a relationship if you don’t do it the right way.

Seguem-se alguns prós e contras dos ultimatos nas relações que o podem ajudar a decidir se dar ultimatos à pessoa de quem gosta é bom para a relação ou se pode mesmo levar a uma rutura.

Os ultimatos podem melhorar a sua relação

Um dos mais importantes pilares de uma relação saudável é a compreensão mútua.

If you’re bothered by something your partner does and think it’s harming your relationship, you can work it out through healthy communication and reach a compromise.

However, if that doesn’t work, you can give them an ultimatum that they will most surely accept if, of course, se eles te amam sinceramente. Se notar alguma signs your partner doesn’t love you, then things won’t be that simple. 

Por outro lado, também pode ser bastante destrutivo

The thing is that no matter how much someone loves you, if you give them an unrealistic and unfair ultimatum, it won’t pan out the way you want it to. 

Ninguém gosta de ser controlado e os ultimatos irrealistas numa relação são apenas a forma como um dos parceiros quer ter controlo sobre a relação e, claro, sobre a sua outra metade.

You can’t immediately start to threaten your partner with ending your relationship if they don’t compromise on something.

That’s toxic and deeply unhealthy. It’ll damage your relationship to the point it will be irreparable.

Pode garantir que ambos os parceiros se sintam confortáveis na relação

Giving ultimatums doesn’t always have to be a dealbreaker for a relationship or casal. Podemos ver isso como um compromisso que ambos os parceiros fazem por vezes para obterem o que querem.

It’ll help maintain a healthy relationship, and allow both partners to get what they want, and make them feel comfortable in the relationship.

Por vezes, os ultimatos funcionam verdadeiramente como compromissos nas relações românticas.

But, it can also make your partner feel pressured…

Este é um dos piores efeitos secundários de dar ultimatos numa relação. Os parceiros dão ultimatos um ao outro sem saberem que isso pode ter consequências terríveis para a saúde mental de ambos.

That’s why all couples should always prefer compromises when it comes to solving issues between them.

Compromises never leave any future resentments between partners, and we can’t say that when it comes to these kinds of demands in relationships.

E, em última análise, pode fazer com que a pessoa amada se vá embora

Demanding your partner to do or to change something in this way can be destructive for your relationship. In most cases, people don’t get the response they were hoping for.

The partner who was given the ultimatum will feel trapped and pressured to do something they don’t want to do.

It won’t take long for them to realize that the other side is playing mind games with them and end that relationship.

No entanto, desempenha um papel crucial na definição de limites saudáveis

The first time you try to change your partner or their actions in this manipulative way, they’ll realize that it’s time to set boundaries in your relationship.

Of course, it’s a good thing because definição de limitesA definição de limites claros e saudáveis é essencial para qualquer relação saudável.

Também deve ter os seus próprios limites, para além dos que estabeleceu na sua relação, porque isso evitará que outras pessoas o manipulem.

Maintaining a healthy relationship is never an easy job. That’s why both partners must create healthy lines of communication between them that will also help them set healthy boundaries.

5 Ultimatos que nunca deves fazer numa relação

Independentemente do tempo que se passa com alguém, nunca se tem o direito de fazer exigências irrealistas e injustas.

Há ultimatos que nunca ninguém aceitaria, por muito que ame alguém. That’s why these kinds of relationship ultimatums below are deeply toxic and, in most cases, unforgivable.

Eis cinco exemplos de coisas que nunca deve exigir que o seu parceiro faça se o ama e quer mantê-lo na sua vida.

RELACIONADO: 9 Compromissos que nunca se deve fazer numa relação

“It’s your family or me.”

A família é verdadeiramente uma zona proibida quando se trata de ultimatos numa relação. You simply can’t ask someone to choose between their family and you.

Tente imaginar como se sentiria se a situação fosse inversa. Como se sentiria se o seu ente querido lhe pedisse para escolher entre ele e a sua própria família? Terrível, não é?

Family is the most precious thing in every person’s life. It’s simply something sacred for each and every one of us.

No matter how bad your relationship with your partner’s family is, and even if you feel that your o parceiro escolhe a família em vez de siNunca deves exigir que esqueçam a família para te manterem na vida deles.

“Choose between your friends and our relationship.”

Esta situação é muito semelhante à anterior. A par da família, os amigos são também uma das melhores partes da nossa vida.

It would simply be unfair to end your friendship with someone you’ve been hanging out with your entire life for someone you’ve just met.

If you make your partner choose between their friends and you, I’m sorry, but I’m almost completely sure that you won’t get the answer you hoped for.

Is your partner spending way too much time with their friends? Are they giving them much more attention than they’re giving you?

I know how much it hurts and how much it’s bothering you right now. But, trust me, there are so many other (and less hurtful) ways you can work it out with your partner.

Exigir que o seu parceiro escolha entre si e ele deve ser o seu último recurso para resolver este problema.

“It’s our love or your furry friends.”

Isto também é um enorme NÃO-NÃO. Afirmo que nenhuma pessoa neste mundo poderia exigir que eu me livrasse dos meus amigos peludos. O amor que sinto por estas pequenas criaturas é simplesmente inexplicável.

That’s why I know for sure that telling your loved one to do this will not only hurt their feelings but will also make them reconsider your relationship. They’ll most surely pick their little friends over you in the end.

However, if there are any medical reasons why you shouldn’t have or be around pets, you should be open and talk honestly about it with your partner.

I’m sure they’ll be understanding and that together you’ll find the best solution to your problem.

“It’s your career or me.”

So, here’s my story related to these kinds of exigências de relações manipuladoras. I’m generally the type of woman who doesn’t like to be told what she can and can’t do in her everyday life.

At the time, I was working as a massage therapist in a wellness center, and, to be honest, most of my customers were guys. My then-boyfriend simply didn’t like it and demanded that I quit my job.

I really loved him, and we had a great relationship, but I couldn’t put up with that pressure every day. I left him and, of course, continued to work there until I found a better job.

It’s so unfair to demand someone to give up their career for you.

If you think they’re neglecting you because of their job or career, you should confront them about it and work on finding the best solution together. That’s how things function in a healthy relationship.

Abdicar dos seus valores pela pessoa amada

Os seus valores representam uma grande parte da sua identidade, e desistir deles resultaria simplesmente em perder-se a si próprio. Não há ninguém que valha a pena desistir de quem somos.

When someone loves you, they’ll accept you the way you are, which means they’ll also accept your beliefs and values.

They won’t even try to change you because they fell in love with you precisely because of what they’ve seen in you.

A relationship can blow up at any minute while you’re stuck with yourself forever, and that’s why you need to basear a sua vida nos seus próprios valores and don’t ever allow anyone to change them.

5 Ultimatos numa relação que são realmente saudáveis

Os ultimatos abaixo provam, de facto, porque é que este tipo de exigências é frequentemente confundido com limites. De qualquer forma, todas elas são saudáveis e nunca terão efeitos negativos na sua relação.

If your partner sees any of these demands as empty threats and doesn’t accept them, then you need to come to terms with the fact they don’t really love you and let them go.

“Either we’re exclusive, or we’re nothing at all.”

Well, yes, every person has the right to give this one to their partner. If the other side has genuine intentions and feelings for that person, they’ll accept it without even thinking about it.

If someone doesn’t want to commit to you only and recusa-se a namorar exclusivamente consigosignifica que deve deixar de desperdiçar o seu precioso tempo com essa pessoa e seguir em frente.

Just because you honestly love someone, it doesn’t mean that they’re your forever person.

Don’t accept any excuses. If someone doesn’t want to have a serious relationship with you, it’s only because they want to keep their options open, which, once again, means they don’t really love you.

“If you don’t stop talking to your ex, our relationship is over.”

When you’re entering into a new relationship, you must leave your past where it belongs; in the past. That means that you shouldn’t keep seeing your ex and that you shouldn’t be in contact anymore.

Your partner has every right to be angry and to ask you to cut contact with your ex. If you don’t have any feelings for your ex anymore, you won’t have a hard time leaving them in the past.

“We won’t share our bank accounts until we’re official.”

This is a very normal demand, trust me. It’ll save you from many future resentments and fights.

Nunca se sabe como é que a relação pode acabar e a partilha de contas bancárias só pode tornar as coisas muito mais complicadas se acabarem.

A good relationship doesn’t imply having a joint bank account. It even doesn’t mean that both partners trust each other completely.

So, there’s no need to do it before you make your relationship official.

Actually, you don’t even need to do it then because I know so many couples who have been married for many years and don’t have a joint bank account, and they still function very well.

“If you start giving me reasons to doubt your loyalty, I’ll leave you for good.”

Here’s another boundary you have to set because you simply owe it to yourself. Don’t ever allow anyone to make a fool out of you.

Se o seu parceiro começar a dar-lhe razões claras para duvidar da sua lealdade, deve confrontá-lo imediatamente sobre o assunto. Se ele negar, pode fazê-lo refletir sobre as suas acções desta forma.

Don’t leave things with empty threats. If they continue to give you reasons to doubt them, if you find out they’ve cheated on you, deve deixá-los imediatamente e para sempre.

Trust me. It’s the only way they’ll learn a lesson.

“The moment you disrespect me is the moment I’ll walk away.”

Assim, existem alguns fundamentos principais de uma relação saudável e boa. O respeito está verdadeiramente no centro de qualquer relação bem sucedida. I always say, if there is no respect, there’s no love.

This doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships. You should never allow anyone to disrespect you, neither your loved one nor your best friend, nor any other person in your life.

Esta é uma exigência bastante razoável que todas as pessoas devem pedir ao seu ente querido. Ninguém deve estar numa relação em que don’t feel respected e tratados como merecem ser tratados.

Se sente que a outra parte o maltrata na relação, tem todo o direito de lhe virar as costas.

That person clearly isn’t aware of your worth, and sticking around would only mean that you aren’t aware of it too.

Palavras finais

As you can see, ultimatums in relationships don’t always have to be deal breakers. Some of them are the culprits of a relação tóxica enquanto outras são realmente boas e podem manter a sua relação saudável.

Para a maioria das pessoas, este tipo de exigências manipuladoras representa o último recurso para os seus problemas. Unfortunately, they aren’t even aware of the consequences it can have on their relationship.

If you feel like there is no other way to improve your partner’s behavior or to make them change something for the sake of your relationship, it’s always better to consult with a relationship psychotherapist than to give them an ultimatum that can be destructive for your relationship.

I’m hoping you will manage to find a compromise with your loved one on the issues that you’re dealing with and that you won’t decide to go down this path.

Always keep in mind that everything can be solved through open and honest communication. True love doesn’t tolerate any kind of manipulation.