There was something but you aren’t really sure what to call it anymore. There was this skipped heartbeat and this slight touch of his face.
You had him for a moment, you had a boyfriend, a relationship, a future and a dream of someone being there with you through all those tough times.
When you look back at it now, did you ever really have all those things? But why does it hurt this bad if you didn’t?
You are torn apart from the inside out and you can’t even remember the last morning when you woke up without your chest screaming his name and begging for him to come back into your life.
It is so hard to let go of someone you never had, because you do not really have something to let go of.
You have the memories and the feeling of his hands brushing your skin but how does a person erase their memories? Are you even able to move on if you didn’t have anywhere to go now that he’s out of your life?
You thought that you were taking it slow. Your mind was telling you that he must be heartbroken from his last relationship, he told you that love scared him and that he needed time to comprehend what was going on between you two.
What is left right now is a picture of you two, frozen in a moment where you are wondering what the hell is going on between the two of you and if you’ll ever move on past that one picture frame.
There was so much potential in the two of you! He treated you with love and care, he treated you like there was no one in this world more valuable to him than you and what happened was so devastating because now you have none of those things left.
Instead, you go back in time, recalling those memories that are telling you that it isn’t over, trying to convince you that you are wrong for letting everything slip away.
But it’s not you letting everything slip out of your hands! He wanted it this way, he wanted it all to end like this, without closure, without ever having something real to hold on to.
You never got to saving his number with a cute nickname that’s actually an inside joke.
You never got the chance to introduce him to your family as ‘the one’ and you never got the chance to one day stand by his side while you make important decisions in life. It’s so devastating, so sad and so miserable.
It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t real for him, it was for you. His intentions from the very beginning must have been awful.
He never wanted you two to get to the point where you would say how happy you were to be together.
He never wanted you to wake up next to him, seeing your future in his sleepy eyes, he never wanted to love you forever. He just wanted something temporary.
Even if it was temporary, it still hurts. It hurts like hell and you aren’t even able to find a way to get past this stage of despair where you wake up in the morning, wishing that he was there with you.
You wake up, wanting him to greet you with the warmest smile and you want to dress really fancy and go on dates with him.
Realizing that all those things were just dreams is like taking a bullet right to the heart.
Now you’re bleeding and you feel like it’s taking your breath away, because it’s hurting so much.
I know that this pain is unbearable but believe me, it won’t last forever! One day there will be no trace of this almost relationship left in your life and you will be grateful that you weren’t stuck in it for much longer, because it could have been going on for years without any trace of an ending.
This way, your heart will strengthen itself and you will be able to see the first signs next time and walk away immediately.
For now, give yourself time. Forgive yourself. Give yourself all the time you need to recover from what has happened and don’t beat yourself up about it.
Now you have a free spot in your life that can be taken by someone who wants you and only you!