It’s not easy, you know?
It’s like going back to the roots, into the darkness, where everything reminds you of the pain and misery you’ve been through.
Falling in love again is like a grand quest and I don’t like it. I’m scared.
I’m afraid that everything will repeat itself and I am not ready for that.
I know that I am exaggerating, I know that my fear doesn’t make sense most of the time, but I can’t go against myself when I know what I’ve experienced.
I know that my heart is guarded and that the walls are too high and too thick to be broken by anyone, ever again. My heart has learned its lesson. So did I.
Love sounds so magical and wonderful. To be in love is like knowing that you are able to wear your heart on your sleeve and not be afraid of anything, because you are brave enough.
Been there, done that.
Today, love just sounds like heartache and it’s all because of you.
The way your eyes sparkled every time you would tell me that you loved me and the way you smiled when I was crying, those two things didn’t go well together, because I never knew what to think of you, what to think of us.
I thought that love was supposed to hurt at times, that it needed a lot of caretaking and attention. I thought that in order for you to love me, I needed to prove myself to you.
I needed to show you that I was worthy of your love.
When it started to physically hurt, I saw that something was wrong. I saw that no matter what I did, ‘love’ never felt right.
‘Love’ hurt me and ‘love’ destroyed my heart.
I loved so genuinely and so carelessly. I loved you without seeing how bad you were for me and because of you, I am scared to love again.
I am scared to fall in love, so that man who’s trying so hard and is giving me all of his affection doesn’t stand a chance of entering my heart.
I am guarded to the point where I myself can’t find my heart in this hurricane of emotions.
I am simply exhausted from falling and never being caught by the person who I hope to be there for me and treat me like I think I deserve to be treated.
I am exhausted from expecting so much and never getting what I deserve. I am exhausted from my fear of being let down for the hundredth time, just because I loved ‘too much’.
My chest is heavy but he still sticks around, making it feel a little bit lighter.
It’s like knowing that there is a cure for all of your problems, but you refuse to take it, because you have mistaken poison for a cure this entire time and you simply don’t trust your gut anymore.
So here I am now, looking at the person in the mirror who’s so frightened to love, asking her if there is anything I can do for her to make it feel better, to make it hurt less.
But she’s blankly looking at me because she has been drained of her energy. But she will be alright. I will be alright.
I will learn to live with my disappointments because sometimes that’s the way you learn your worth.
I will be fine, but I do need time to heal; that’s crucial. I can’t fix myself overnight and I’m not even trying to.
The world tries to force me to hurry up, but I don’t care.
My heart is fragile and I don’t want it to break again. That’s why I will keep it safe in my chest for a while longer.
