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Loving You Was Torture

Whenever I think of you, I get shivers down my spine that remind me of the horror. They remind me of how something I thought to be beautiful could end up the way it did.

How could I be so blind? Was it really my fault? No. I wouldn’t say so.

Loving you was torture. Don’t roll your eyes at me now, because you know that I’m telling you the truth.

That game you were constantly playing with me confused my heart and my mind to never really know if you loved me or if you despised me from the bottom of your heart.

Loving you was confusing. You would wake up in the morning, throwing all of yourself at me with all the love and affection a human being could actually give to someone.

I was your one and only in the morning. You would talk to me for hours about how grateful you were to have me, how lucky you had been to meet me. But by night-time, all that would change.

At night, I would never know where you were at. My phone calls would reach your voicemail and my heart would burst into little pieces when you wouldn’t come home by the time you told me you would.

The problem with me there is that I thought you would change, or rather that the person you were in the mornings was actually the real you.

It took me some time to realize that mornings were the opportunity you took to keep me hooked, to make me forgive you and to make me remember why I fell for you in the first place.

Loving you was never easy. It always felt like I wasn’t enough, although I kept convincing myself that I was.

I kept telling myself that all that I had seen in your eyes was my validation and that your actions were something completely different.

Now I see that I was simply blinded by the love I felt for you. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

Loving you was a short flight. At one point, I thought that I ruled the world and that you were my special someone.

I really did believe at one time that you were the one who was going to help me heal all of my wounds and never break my heart again.

But when you cut off my wings and I crashed, I finally saw that nothing that I had imagined was actually the truth.

I was taken advantage of. My love didn’t mean anything to you. You simply wanted me to be there, so you didn’t have to feel so lonely anymore.

But dear, let me tell you this: loving you was nothing other than real torture.

My heart was breaking every step of the way while I tried to convince it that there was nothing bad in loving you and I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself for being so blind.

Loving you taught me a lesson. It taught me that love is never one-sided. Love always involves two people who are ready to work on something magical. It will never be painful or sad.

Love is supposed to be easy and to never let anyone suffer. Love should be filling your lungs with joy when you see one another and that is something I never got from you. I never got that easy kind of love.

It does sound harsh  but let me be honest: I deserve way more than unanswered text messages or phone calls. I deserve explanations. I deserve your time.

It does seem like a long list of things but I am a woman who knows what she wants and I know how much I gave myself to this relationship. That’s why I have the right to claim what I deserve.

But it’s over. All those nights I spent by myself waiting for you to come home, all those times I begged you to talk to me and tell me what I’d done wrong, all those times I thought I wasn’t enoughit’s all over. The torture is over.

Look at me now, packing my stuff. Can’t you see what you’ve lost? You’ve lost someone who was ready to conquer the world in your name. You lost someone who loved you wholeheartedly. You lost me.

You lost me to your mouth full of lies and all those games you played.

You lost me because you didn’t know how to treat a woman right.

At least I knew when the game was getting out of control and that’s why I’m leaving.

LOVING YOU WAS TORTURE