I was involved with this very narcissistic man who never directly said anything mean to me or was ever aggressive, but the actions and hints he used to give me totally crushed my entire being.
He broke up with me after this – well, let’s call it a relationship – because he never wanted to commit to me.
That was the first hint that deteriorated me. I was never good enough for him to be his legal girlfriend in the first place. He totally committed to this other girl.
Of course he did. Why shouldn’t he when he made clear that she was better than me.
I remember this one time when I quit a job where my paycheck was never on time and I had this awful boss.
He made a comment that made me feel like I was the laziest person ever. We were talking about my friend and he said something like, “Well, at least she has a job.”
He knew what I was dealing with at work and he also knew that this unemployed status of mine was temporary until I got a new job opportunity.
It wasn’t like I was asking for money or anything from him. Instead of his support, though, he downgraded me.
Within a month and a half, I found another job and it was in this really great firm. They loved me in the interview and it wasn’t like I slept with someone to get that position.
He never congratulated me. In fact, I actually think he was jealous of me.
His friends congratulated me,saying how independent and charming and nice I was. He never commented on anything. So I kept thinking that I was none of those.
I know how attractive I am and I do invest in nice clothes, especially sexy lingerie. I knew he saw me as really attractive, but he never said anything.
Okay, I’m sorry for my vanity, but I am a woman and you need to tell me that you love my thighs and hair and lips.
Sometimes it’s not enough just to have sex with someone. It proves nothing except for the fact that you satisfied your primal need.
Compared to him, I was a Victoria’s Secret model, but I never had a problem with stating I loved his beer belly and strong hands.
I am aware now that he was a jealous and narcissist person, that he never appreciated me, and how better off I am without him, but it’s just hard to appreciate myself.
If he – the one with the beer belly and mediocre accomplishments – never appreciated me, how is someone else who is a far better catch than he was, going to appreciate me?
I know his friends and my friends like me and say I am a good woman, but I still struggle with believing that.
I hate him for doing this to me. I hate the fact that this other person who will stumble upon me will have to deal will lot of broken pieces.
I just hope that this future person will be really patient and full of understanding.
And I hope for him that there is a karmic universe that will level out all the things he has ever done to me or any other girl, and that he will be 10 times less self confident than I am now.
