When you left me, you brought to life one of my biggest fears. I didn’t know what to do with my life, thinking it had come to its end. I had no purpose and no meaning left. I was completely consumed by this pain you caused me and I couldn’t move from the spot where you left me.
If there had been someone at that time who had asked me what was one of the most painful things to experience, heartbreak would definitely have been at the top of my list.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe without you by my side. Your departure broke me in so many ways.
And it hurt me to the bones. I thought I would never be the woman I used to be and that I would never recover from all the pain you caused me.
I was positive I would die.
And then, with time, it got a lot easier. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened but I just know I woke up one morning without the feeling that my chest would burn out. I didn’t have the feeling I would break into pieces every second and I could finally breathe properly.
It didn’t mean I was completely over you but it was definitely something. It was the beginning of my recovery. It was when I realized that time would heal my wounds and when I became determined that there would come a moment when I’d be over you.
And after a lot of time, that moment finally arrived. It took me a lot of time and patience to get here but I did manage to do it. I can finally say I am finally, truly over you. I don’t love you nor do I hate you—I am completely indifferent.
But what is even more important is that I feel like I’ve gotten rid of this huge burden. When you first left me, I felt like the entire world’s weight had fallen on my shoulders, and now I feel like I’ve gotten rid of it. I feel relaxed, liberated and free.
I feel relieved.
And I am not only relieved because I surpassed the pain I was feeling all along. I never thought I’d be the one to say it but I am relieved you are in not in my life anymore.
I finally realized how badly you treated me while we were together. I finally realized how negatively you influenced me.
I realized that I was actually your prisoner. Although you didn’t keep me physically locked inside, you caged my mind and soul. Your mind games were so strong that I really felt like you were inside my head.
I didn’t know it back then but I see it now. I see how controlling and manipulative you actually were. I finally see your toxicity.
I see how you ruined years of my life and how you could’ve ruined the rest of it, if you’d stayed by my side.
I see that I was actually afraid of you. I didn’t survive physical abuse from you but somehow you managed to make me live in fear. No matter what I did, your possible reaction was the only thought going through my head. Now, I know I was never fully relaxed while I was with you.
And since you left, all of this stopped. Yes, you left me alone but that actually meant I didn’t have anyone to judge every move I made, to constantly try to put me down and criticize me. I didn’t have anyone to patronize me and to feed my insecurities. I didn’t have anyone ruining my confidence and holding me back.
Now, without you by my side, I can finally be free and I don’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. Now that I’ve finally gotten out of this mental cage you put me in, I can make my own decisions, without worrying what you might think of them.
I can finally enjoy every breath I take and I can finally live my life to the fullest, without being emotionally abused, manipulated and blackmailed.
And that is the most liberating and relieving feeling there is. Even though I thought I’d never say this—I am glad you left.