Oh breakups, the ugly finale of a liaison which seemed so promising. One day he’s my whole world and then, before I know it, he becomes a complete stranger, literally overnight. Or I missed noticing how both of us changed over time and all that drew us to each other, suddenly disappeared.
I find myself grieving heavily and wondering how to put my broken pieces together. Apparently, we are all different. My sister can get on her feet after a breakup in the blink of an eye. I’m usually drowning my soul in sorrow and self-pity for months.
This of course depends on its depth and quality, as well as the amount of meaning the relationship has brought to my life.
My friend, Melissa, believes it takes half the time you’ve spent in a relationship to recover after it’s been over, but I strongly disagree as her rule can not be applied to every breakup and every person.
Trust me, there’s no general recipe for a recovery and no absolute answer for how long it will last. It’s all relative and varies from person to person.
Based on my experience, you must allow yourself to recover at your own speed, however…
Studies estimate you need 10 to 15 weeks to get well
I stumbled upon a survey of the breakup recovery process, and you’ll be interested to hear the results.
The scientists asked 69 undergraduate first-year students at Northwestern University, who were involved in a relationship for at least 2 months, to fill in questionnaires every two weeks for 38 weeks.
Throughout the study, 26 of them ended their relationships and rated their levels of distress. The report proved how the level of distress decreases over time and showed it takes around 10 weeks to feel better after the breakup.
Poor students, as if dealing with the pain alone wasn’t enough! They even had to answer some scientists’ questions about it!
On the other hand, online voting results on OnePoll showed that healing after a breakup might last for 3,5 months and recovery after a divorce takes up to 18 months.
Keep in mind that both a scientific study and an online poll used an average time span. Your process can last longer.
The quality and level of commitment are important factors
You and I will probably have a totally different pace of healing process, but the way you ended your relationships can hugely impact the path to recovery. If you were shouting and throwing things at him, gurl you maybe just need to get rid of the anger first.
I once ended a relationship because my then-boyfriend was unfaithful. Auch, it was very painful as it involved two separate feelings: I missed him deadly but despised him at the same time.
Then again, after I escaped from one very toxic relationship I managed to get myself back on track sooner than I thought. I was surprised by how lighter and relieved I instantly felt.
Breakups after living together can get unbearably hard. I remember when I left my cheating boyfriend my world completely fell apart. I was not only leaving him but also a place that was my home for some time.
If your relationship was a healthy bond based on friendship and mutual respect and ended for some meaningless or trivial reasons, you might spend a looong time licking your wounds. (Been there, done that!)
Who said it’s over? When I got dumped, it hurt as hell. But it was mostly my ego that got hurt. If YOU dumped him for unforgivable mistakes he has made, you’ll probably forget about him in a few days.
But what to expect when two mature adults mutually agree to end their partnership and wish all the best to each other? I had one breakup like that and healing was a long-term and complex experience. But at least there were no negative feelings involved.
These 5 tips will help you overcome your breakup easier
You’re probably thinking, what tips? What’s there to add, you’ve covered every aspect of the breakup, haven’t you?
When your sight gets blurred in agony of missing him SO MUCH, you’ll grab these 6 tips and find them very useful.
1. Go see your friends and family
Surround yourself with your loved ones and try to focus on their lives a bit. Talking to them will distract you from your grief.
2. Cut all the ties
No calls, no friendship promises, no texts, nothing. I mean it! It will be hard at the beginning but it’s very helpful in the long run.
3. Take care of yourself
Instead of isolating yourself from the world, try to spend as much time surrounded by people. Go to the theater or a concert. Invest money in a gym or yoga membership. You might even join some volunteering projects.
4. Embrace your pain
Let it overwhelm you and just give in. You’ll feel as if an evil force is destroying your soul and whole being, but the intensity of the feeling will shorten its lifespan.
5. Reinvent yourself
Remember and return to your authentic-self and recall all what makes you unique. Enjoy bringing your true face to the surface. It will give colors to your sad days and end hard times sooner than you think.
How did I survive?
I wish I’d taken these tips more seriously, way sooner. Learn from my mistakes and try them right away!
Believe you me, I went through hell recovering from a couple of breakups. It seemed as if the world would end. There was nothing but dreadful pain surrounding me. I thought I’d never get over it.
I felt an urge to call him countless times but stayed firm in my decision of a clean breakup.
As soon as I distracted myself by talking about my brother’s college choice, or watching photos of my mom’s vacation in Florida, instead of mourning over my ex, I started feeling a bit better. Then I joined an art therapy class and met some amazing people who are still my friends.
Also, I pushed myself to fully experience the intensity of grief. When it flooded my whole being I was able to control it from the inside and finally release the pain.
Then I shed my skin, got on my feet, and started finding little joys in everyday life. I’ve also rediscovered long-forgotten nuances of my personality and loved the new-old me.
It will get better, trust me! It may be stormy now, but after every storm comes the sun!