Imagine you’re at the club with your man and suddenly a very hot girl steps on the dance floor. He turns his head, points a rather lustful stare in her direction, and scans all of her edges and curves, up and down.
You’re instantly flooded with negative emotions. You’re mad, jealous, and insecure, all at the same time.
A bunch of questions pop up in your head.
What does this mean?
Am I not attractive enough?
Is he flirting with her?
If this happened to you, don’t worry it happened to almost every woman.
Let’s be honest, we check out other women! All of us! All the time!
Take me for instance, I’m happily married and I love my wifey more than anything in the world. She’s the mother of my children and I would never cheat on her. Or be disloyal in any way!
However, I do have eyes, and I can’t pretend to be blind when a beautiful woman crosses my way.
That’s just in men’s nature. Maybe you can’t resist looking at that hot bartender every morning, either.
You can expect me to look at other women. I can expect your impulsive reaction when you notice I look at her. It’s all perfectly normal.
But do you ever think about why we actually look?
What does it mean when we look at other women?
I find her attractive, yes.
If I was single I would consider her as my sexual partner, but since I’m not that’s not an option. Other than imagining.
Looking at an attractive woman evokes a chemical reaction in my brain. Dopamine and serotonin are released and I feel pleasure.
I do want her and imagine what it would be like kissing or holding her. But that’s just fantasy, like when you’re dreaming you’re in bed with Josh Hartnett or Henry Cavill. It’s harmless and innocent. It only happens in our heads! It’s not reality!
It doesn’t mean our relationship is under threat
If I look at other women it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to you. It doesn’t mean you’re not sexy, beautiful, affectionate, or passionate enough for me. It doesn’t mean she’s prettier than you. It doesn’t mean you should feel bad about yourself, feel insecure, or angry.
I’m not being unfaithful or planning to cheat on you.
A glance is not a betrayal.
Our relationship is not under threat.
It doesn’t mean I’m not happy with you. My looking at her doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of our marriage or relationship.
We are surrounded by beautiful things in nature. Not to mention the works of art. Would you be upset if I looked at Mona Lisa? It’s just admiration and appreciation of the beauty I encounter.
If I look at her, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. It’s just my stare, applauding a beautiful female body. Nothing more.
We are wired differently
You have to understand that men don’t mistake sexual attraction for an emotional bond.
It’s only physical. I can’t find her appealing even if I don’t see any compatibility or connection with her.
I can be crazy about my wife but still be attracted to other women.
Men and women are differently wired when it comes to sexual attraction.
Women look for the perfect match with their imaginary ideal man. Or sometimes they have a certain person in their mind, maybe one of their exes, and look for a resemblance. So they’re attracted to the familiar and “known”.
Men, on the other hand, look for new and “unknown”, so we are attracted to novelty. We might have “our type” but still be attracted to completely different features and body shapes.
In their fundamental nature, women are caretakers and nurturers, while men are wanderers.
We don’t look at other women to make you jealous or upset you, it goes instinctively. Before we know it, our eyes are glued to her. It’s not a decision, it just happens.
Also don’t forget how society is making us overly aroused all the time. We are continuously exposed to sexualized images and advertising campaigns that hit us with pictures of photoshopped and idealized female bodies.
You must’ve noticed beautiful women everywhere! You can’t just blame me.
What to do when the fact I look at other women affects our relationship?
I explained all about why I look at other women, how it makes me feel, and how you should feel about it.
But what about when it goes over the line?
What to do when it becomes disrespectful and hurtful?
Let me be clear, looking at women is one thing. When looking is just a prelude to acting on it, then it’s a totally different thing.
I look at her, she passes and I’m done. I’m devoted and loyal to my wife.
If your man goes further than mere looking, if he starts flirting, or commenting, those are the red flags. Then it’s beyond instinct, and it becomes a decision.
Then, your man is disrespectful, immature, and doesn’t care about you. So make sure to notice the difference.
He didn’t look at other women earlier, had he lost interest in me?
Usually, it starts after a year or so, when the honeymoon phase ends. Before that, we are too “high on love” to notice anything around us but the object of our affection. That’s why there are no “wandering eyes” at this stage.
Then we ground ourselves and start noticing the world around us and all the beauty it holds.
For the first two years, I was too enchanted by my wifey to notice any other female. Then, when all the excitement kind of deflated, and the chemistry of my brain changed, my “sight” got back to normal.
However, if it bothers you too much, try talking and explain how he makes you feel when he looks at other women. He should know it’s a problem for you.
Set boundaries, and let him know you will not tolerate if he’s looking too often, or too long.
If he’s truly into you, he will adjust and avoid making you uncomfortable. His words and actions will tell you if he cares for you and if he wants to be committed.
A real man always values emotional bonds over a one-night stand. He always puts love and respect first. You’re his priority. Not some sexual urges and impulses.
Remember, the most important thing is how you make him feel, not how you look.
Make sure to talk it out and don’t let some hot passer-by ruin what you two have.
You’re welcome!