I remember how shattered I felt when I discovered that my ex-fiance was cheating on me with his business partner’s wife. It was such a devastating experience, I was struggling with so many intense feelings.
At first I was shocked and confused, and I couldn’t believe he had done that to me. Someone I loved and trusted has betrayed me.
I felt shame and embarrassment, my self-esteem was non-existent, and I was so confused. As any betrayed woman, I was struggling to understand why the cheating happened and what it meant for our relationship.
Feeling so overwhelmed, I couldn’t figure out whether to end the relationship or try to work through the issues.
If you’re grappling with the same dilemma and trying to decide whether to stay or go, this video posted on TikTok by therapist Jeff Guenther might help.
There are 10 questions to ask yourself if you’ve been cheated on.
Let’s see what he has to say.
1. “Does your cheating partner truly understand why they did it?”
You have to see if he really understands what was the cause of his infidelity. Did he do it just because he had an opportunity (which means cheating is in his nature), or your relationship had some issues that made him look for comfort in another woman’s bed?
My ex said, “It was an accident.” she seduced him and kinda “forced” him into that. Of course, I didn’t buy it. Deep down inside, I always knew he would cheat as soon as he had the chance.
If your partner shows self-awareness, it’s a good starting point for rebuilding trust in your relationship.
2. “Can your partner comprehend your emotional experience? Are they able to validate your feelings of anger and sadness?”
Is he attentive enough to notice how his infidelity made you feel? Can he understand and accept your rage and grief? Does he respect your feelings?
I remember I was sooo angry. I felt intense rage and resentment towards him and even myself for not seeing the signs. At the same time, I was so depressed and empty I couldn’t stop crying. But the worst thing was that he didn’t empathize with my feelings at all.
Pay attention to how he responds to your emotional reaction. This will tell you if you should try forgiving him or not.
3. “Does your partner recognize the impact their cheating has had on the relationship? Do they fully grasp how they’ve broken your trust?”
Is he aware of the emotional pain and damage to trust that his infidelity has done to you and the relationship as a whole? If he truly recognizes the depth of the harm his actions have caused, he will be ready to work hard to repair the breach of trust.
The pain of being cheated cut me deeply, I’ve lost trust and could not see our future together. He thought I would just get over it and everything would return to normal.
So if your cheating partner believes you will easily overcome the betrayal and everything will be okay in no time, he has no idea what trust is and you’ll just waste your time.
4. “What are boundaries that the cheating partner will put in place to ensure it doesn’t happen again?”
Does he suggest how to prevent cheating from happening again? Listen to me, he needs to set clear boundaries to rebuild trust and give reassurance.
These boundaries include setting limits on interactions with certain people, being more transparent about his activities, and avoiding situations that could lead to temptation. Demonstrating a commitment to change will prove he’s ready to save a relationship.
When considering staying with my ex-fiance, I was worried that I’d end up being cheated on again. He didn’t give me any proof he was planning on preventing his future affairs.
5. “Not only are they willing to repair the relationship, but do they possess the emotional skills to do it effectively?”
You know your partner, think about if he’s capable of putting in the effort to make your relationship work, and does he know how to do it?
While it’s important that he wants to fix the relationship, he also needs to be able to do it properly. This includes the ability to have an open talk, emotional maturity, empathy, patience, and a deep understanding of your feelings.
Just wanting to fix things isn’t enough, he needs to know how to regain your trust and heal the relationship.
My partner wasn’t capable of this, unfortunately.
6. “Moving forward, are they willing and able to commit to transparency and honesty, and are you both on the same page regarding what that looks like?”
By this, he means if your partner is ready to rebuild your relationship and you are both ready to be open and truthful with each other. Do you and your partner have the same vision on what transparency and honesty means?
Jeff emphasizes the importance of both partners being committed to clear communication and sharing the exact expectations about maintaining honesty and openness, which are crucial for the relationship’s future health and trust.
I’m quite sure my partner never really knew the real meaning of transparency and honesty.
7. “While you may not have played any role at all and in no way deserved to be cheated on, did you do anything to contribute to the disconnect or decline in emotional intimacy that may have affected the relationship?”
Usually, cheating happens because his personality is flawed, and you’re not to blame for being cheated on. However, self-reflection will help you understand if any factors could have caused emotional distance in your relationship.
Consider if any actions or behaviors on your part contributed to problems in the relationship.
The fact that I was cheated on led me to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. I was questioning my self-worth, attractiveness, and whether I did something to cause the infidelity. After a lot of thinking, I was sure it was not because of anything I did, he was just an unfaithful person.
8. “What are each of your reasons for fidelity and staying faithful and how do these reasons align with your values, and expectations within the relationship?”
You and your partner have to think about why you both believe in staying honest to each other. It would help if you also considered how these reasons match up with your personal values.
Understanding this helps ensure a shared commitment to fidelity based on mutual values and expectations.
My ex and I didn’t share the same expectations and obviously had different values, but I hope your situation is different.
9. “Are you both committed to the hard work of healing or therapy, recognizing it as an opportunity to understand deeper issues and heal together?”
Are you both willing to put in the effort needed for recovery? Are you ready to attend therapy or engage in healing practices?
Try seeing this challenging process as a way to fix the relationship AND as a chance to understand and address deeper issues together.
Think about it, maybe this “quake” will strengthen your bond if you work hard on your mending.
10. “Can I or will I eventually be able to rebuild trust and allow myself to reconnect after such a painful experience, or will I remain guarded and not open to starting a new chapter together?”
This is about whether you can imagine a future where you can regain trust and emotionally reconnect with your partner after experiencing all that pain. Will you be able to overcome it and be open to rebuilding the relationship?
Or will the distrust stop you from moving forward together? This introspection is crucial in deciding the future course of the relationship.
I had no other option but to start a new chapter in my life. Without him.
But I was curious to know how people responded to this video. One commenter was quite determined:
“Zero questions to ask. It’s an immediate exit”
Most of the comments showed how people didn’t believe in any possibility of rebuilding the relationship after infidelity.
Someone was upset even with the idea of asking themself such questions:
“Boo hiss! Sounds like you haven’t actually been cheated on by someone you were fully committed to if you are asking these questions. The answer is not stay or go, it’s tell them to leave immediately.”
However, different people have different experiences. One comment revealed it’s possible, but it requires time and work:
“Just cause the comments are so negative, it CAN work. It took time and work (especially from him) but we are better than ever and i feel 100% secure and happy. Is it likely? No. Possible? Yes.”
Whatever your answers are, make sure you don’t let the fear of being alone keep you in an irreparable relationship. Suppose he doesn’t come up with a clear solution and shows no will or capability to fix your relationship. In that case, he’s not worth giving a second chance.