Marriage is supposed to be a union built on love, trust, and mutual respect. But when a narcissist is involved, the motives behind saying “I do” can look very different. Narcissists often approach marriage not as a partnership, but as a tool—for validation, control, status, or even financial gain.
And while the vows may sound the same, what’s behind them often isn’t. If you’re in a relationship where things feel one-sided, emotionally draining, or manipulative, it’s worth asking: Why did they really want to get married?
So if you’re married to one (or trying to leave one), understanding why they chose marriage in the first place can help you make sense of the chaos. Here are 16 reasons narcissists get married—and what it really means for you.
1. To Secure a Constant Source of Validation
Imagine waking up to someone who constantly craves your approval. Narcissists marry to have a steady stream of admiration, like a never-ending applause. This isn’t just about loving you; it’s about loving how you make them feel about themselves. You might find yourself endlessly complimenting them, trying to keep the peace.
But what about you? Your needs often get lost in the clamor of their ego. It’s exhausting, right? A relationship should be a two-way street, but with a narcissist, it’s like you’re driving solo. Understanding this can help you reclaim your voice, your needs, your life. You deserve to be seen, not just serve.
2. For the Image and Social Status
Ever felt like you’re living in a photoshoot? Narcissists see marriage as a status symbol, a shiny accessory to their perfect life. It’s less about partnership and more about how you look together in selfies. You’re like the perfect Instagram filter—enhancing their social media portrait.
They love the envy it stirs in others. But where do you fit in this picture? Balancing their display with your own needs can be tricky. It’s crucial to hold onto your identity, even if their spotlight feels blinding. Remember, you’re not just a character in their storyline.
3. To Improve Their Financial or Social Standing
Marrying for love? Think again. For a narcissist, it’s often about climbing the social ladder. Picture this: they see you as a stepping stone, not a soulmate. Your connections, finances, and even family name are assets to them. It’s not romantic; it’s strategic.
This can feel like an emotional chess game, and you’re the queen on their board. Recognizing this dynamic is key to protecting yourself. Secure your own finances, and don’t hesitate to keep boundaries. You’re more than a means to an end.
4. To Trap Someone Who Sees Through Them
Ever felt swept off your feet, only to land on shaky ground? Narcissists often rush into marriage when they sense you’re seeing through their charm. The proposal comes as a surprise, but it’s a calculated move. It’s like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat—distracting and deceptive.
They hope you’ll forget what lies beneath the surface. If you’re feeling trapped or manipulated, trust your instincts. Fast-tracked romance isn’t always a fairy tale. Recognizing this can empower you to take back control, whether that means setting boundaries or seeking help.
5. To Complete a ‘Perfect’ Life Narrative
Does it feel like you’re living in a scripted drama? Narcissists love crafting a perfect life story, with you as a supporting character. The wedding is just another chapter in their glossy autobiography. They thrive on the illusion of having it all—charming spouse, lovely home, enviable life.
But behind the curtain, the reality is often starkly different. You might feel pressured to keep up appearances, even if it means sacrificing your happiness. Remember, you’re not a prop in their play. Stand firm in your truth and don’t be afraid to rewrite the script.
6. To Lock in a Partner Who Won’t Leave Easily
Marriage as a lock and key? For narcissists, it’s about securing someone who won’t easily walk away. They desire loyalty without offering true accountability. It’s like being in a beautiful cage—secure yet stifling. You might find your independence slowly eroding as they tighten their grip.
But love isn’t about ownership or control. Recognizing this can help you seek freedom within the relationship or the courage to leave. Liberation can be empowering, and you deserve to feel free, cherished, and respected.
7. To Have Someone to Manipulate Long-Term
Ever feel like a puppet on strings? Narcissists excel at manipulation, and marriage gives them a front-row seat to their favorite show. They crave control, and having a spouse provides a long-term target. It’s all about power dynamics. You might question your reality, instincts, and even your sanity. But don’t lose your voice.
Awareness is your superpower. By noticing these patterns, you can begin to reclaim your narrative. Be firm in your reality and seek support from friends, family, or professionals who validate your experiences.
8. Because They Believe They Deserve Unconditional Admiration
Admiration is like oxygen for narcissists. They don’t just want love; they want an endless supply of praise. Picture them at a party, soaking up compliments like a sponge. You’re expected to be their biggest fan, but when it comes to your needs? Crickets.
It’s a one-sided affair that can leave you feeling invisible. But you deserve mutual respect and support. Hold onto your worth and don’t be afraid to seek relationships that offer true reciprocity. Remember, you’re not just an accessory to their ego.
9. To Mirror Someone Else’s Success or Stability
Ever felt like a trophy on display? Narcissists often marry those who reflect well on them. It’s about borrowing your success, your shine. But over time, you might find your light dimmed, your achievements minimized.
They mirror your stability while slowly eroding it. It’s important to stand your ground, to own your success. You’re not just a reflection of their greatness. Celebrate your achievements, big and small, and seek partnerships where both stories shine brightly.
10. To Meet Cultural, Family, or Societal Expectations
Sometimes marriage is more about ticking boxes than true love. For narcissists, societal expectations can be a powerful motivator. They want to appear successful, settled, the ideal son or daughter-in-law. But beneath the surface, emotional disconnect runs deep.
You may feel the pressure to conform, even when your heart tells you otherwise. It’s crucial to listen to that inner voice, to honor your own needs and desires. Marriage should be about genuine connection, not just meeting others’ expectations.
11. To Avoid Abandonment or Being Alone
Narcissists fear abandonment like a storm on the horizon. They need someone to reflect back their worth, to keep the illusion intact. Marriage offers a shield against loneliness, but at what cost to you? Emotional exhaustion is a real risk as you strive to fill their endless void.
It’s important to recognize when your energy is being drained, and to set boundaries that protect your well-being. You deserve a partner who uplifts, not just a mirror for their fears.
12. Because You Were Idealized—and Now You’re Devalued
The honeymoon phase with a narcissist is intoxicating—until it’s not. Initially, you’re put on a pedestal, adored beyond measure. But reality hits, and the shine wears off. Suddenly, you’re facing rejection, confusion, and a desperate bid for approval. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, but remember, you’re not at fault.
Recognizing this cycle is the first step to breaking free. Your worth isn’t defined by their opinion. Seek support, speak your truth, and never settle for less than respect and love.
13. To Control Your Time, Decisions, and Relationships
Feeling isolated? Narcissists often seek to control your time, decisions, even your relationships. They want to be the center of your universe, dictating who you see and where you go. It’s like having a personal gatekeeper, but not in a good way. This control can leave you feeling trapped, powerless.
But you have the right to your own life, your own choices. Start by asserting your independence, setting clear boundaries, and reconnecting with friends and family. Freedom is your birthright.
14. To Gain Legal or Parental Leverage
In some cases, marriage is less about love and more about leverage. Narcissists may use it to gain legal or parental advantages. It’s strategic, not sentimental. You might find yourself facing custody battles, legal threats, or smear campaigns. It’s a tough spot, but knowledge is power.
Seek legal advice, understand your rights, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You’re not alone, and there are resources and people ready to support you. Protect yourself and your future.
15. Because They See You as an ‘Upgrade’
Ever feel like a status upgrade? Narcissists often view partners as trophies, boosting their image until you’re no longer the latest model. The initial admiration shifts to comparison, and suddenly you’re not enough. It’s a painful cycle of being replaced and undervalued. But you are enough, more than enough.
Recognize your worth beyond their opinion and don’t be afraid to walk away. Seek relationships where you’re valued, cherished, and respected for who you are, not just what you represent.
16. Because They Don’t Believe They’re the Problem
Narcissists often see themselves as flawless, and any marital issues are never their fault. If things go south, it’s always you who’s to blame. This lack of accountability can be infuriating, but understanding their mindset is crucial. Don’t expect sincere apologies or empathy. Instead, focus on your well-being.
Seek therapy or support groups to help navigate these challenges. You deserve a partner who owns their actions and works to improve the relationship. Remember, it’s not about fixing them, but finding peace for yourself.
See also: 30 Signs You Might Be an Echoist — The Total Opposite of a Narcissist