You finally found your person and everything seems fine. The only thing that keeps you (and your partner) from living peacefully is that tiny little voice in your head always saying that something ain’t right.
Maybe they don’t love me at all? Are they planning on leaving me? Why aren’t they answering my texts, are they cheating? If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with an anxious attachment style.
Now, don’t panic right away. The first step is to recognize you have a problem so you can work on it because it can seriously harm your relationship. And if I’ve managed to do it, so can you! Here’s what made me realize I have this toxic attachment.
1. Always sensitive and on high alert
This used to annoy my partner so much and it probably does yours too. But I understand because it must be exhausting when someone accuses you of something all the time.
Be honest and ask yourself if you’re always searching for some problem or feeling that something’s not right. Maybe your partner is quiet and all of a sudden you think they lost their interest and find you boring.
Acting this way is also exhausting for you and it only leads to unnecessary conflicts. Instead of immediately going for the worst possible outcome try to calm yourself and just ask them if everything’s okay.
2. Fear of being left
This is the big one. I’m guilty of it as well. I would often be worried about my partner leaving me and needed him to reassure me he wasn’t going anywhere.
Fear of abandonment is often the root of an anxious attachment style and it won’t leave you alone until you seriously work on it. Nobody likes being constantly questioned and asked if they really love us.
And what’s ironic is that acting this way can actually lead you closer to the outcome you’re afraid of. I focused on building my self-worth and openly discussing my fears with my partner and it helped me immensely!
3. Unreasonable jealousy
Do you feel like everyone’s after your partner and just looking how to sabotage your relationship? Does every little thing make you jealous? Yeah, these are all hallmarks of this attachment type.
To resolve an issue you first need to realize what’s causing it. In the case of jealousy, insecurity is where it all comes from, and it often ruins relationships. It causes you to view everyone as a threat and makes your partner think you don’t trust them at all.
What helped me was reminding myself that my partner is with me for a reason and if he liked someone else more he would be with them. I also worked a lot on my confidence and feeling better about myself. That was a game-changer for me!
4. Trust issues
You see how it’s all connected? Every problem drags another one along with it. So, once you work on everything I mentioned by far, you will most probably get rid of trust issues as well.
I know struggling with trust often stems from past negative experiences so having a partner that’s willing to work through it with you is crucial. It takes time and patience for you to realize every relationship is a new clear beginning.
It’s important you communicate with your partner if you have these issues so they can be aware and more understanding. You don’t need to analyze every situation and overthink all the time. Take a deep breath and always remember that the person you’re with isn’t your ex.
5. Need for constant validation
I still sometimes struggle with this but it’s much better than before! People with this attachment style need frequent validation and reassurance. It doesn’t matter if it’s through conversations or physical affection, you might find yourself always wanting reminders your partner loves you.
While this is fine and important from time to time, requesting this every second from your partner is an issue. You can’t allow yourself to be completely dependent on another person in order to feel happy.
What my therapist suggested is journaling and writing down all the things I want to hear from my partner, but in this case, I’m saying it to myself. It’s like a list of little reminders and positive affirmations I get back to whenever I feel insecure.
I know anxious attachment can feel like you’re carrying an enormous burden with you all the time but it doesn’t have to be that way.
By recognizing it on time, understanding its essence, and then finally working through it, you can free yourself and lead a happier life. This is extremely important for you to build healthier and more stable relationships with others.