It’s completely normal that every relationship has its ups and downs. After all, they aren’t all sunshine and rainbows.
I know you sometimes feel like you’re enemies and not lovers. How do I know it? Well, I experienced the exact same thing. Every little thing he did started to annoy me. We’ve been fighting nonstop and problems were just piling up.
In those situations, it’s natural to think the best thing you can do is break up and continue with your lives.
However, moving on as soon as things get tough is not always the best choice because you’re avoiding an opportunity to work on yourself and resolve the issues buried deep inside.
Joe Kort (@drjoekort), a psychotherapist, explained this so well in a TikTok that will surely make you rethink everything you know about relationships!
The second stage is the critical point of every relationship
Joe, the psychotherapist started a video talking about the first stage of every relationship. That is inevitably the best part which everyone enjoys. Why? Well because that’s when we’re still getting to know each other and there’s no build-up resentment.
Bonding and building a connection is your priority at the beginning. It’s all about the things that make you similar and interests you share. You also still try pretty hard to make the other person fall for you even more. Some people call this a honeymoon phase.
What comes after it is not that sweet and this is why most couples break things off during the second stage. Joe described this as a power struggle:
“The power struggle which is the second stage is all about differences and conflict arises and people start arguing and people start highlighting the differences between each other to the point if they don’t know what they’re doing breaking up is the best solution because it feels better.”
It makes sense that people want to leave during those hard times because no one likes to be challenged and find out people are different than the ideal versions of them we imagined.
However, this is not ideal because we’re running away from confronting them and even ourselves alone when it comes to issues we have.
The psychotherapist said that this is the stage when all of our unresolved issues come to the surface. It’s also not rare we’re triggering some old traumas which is normal because we’re still getting to know each other and learning about our boundaries.
Sticking it out might be worth a try
Joe emphasizes the importance of staying and working on our issues together:
“So you want to make sure that you’re working through the power struggle and not abandoning yourself and the relationship just to feel better.”
He also said it’s important to note that this advice is not applicable to every relationship:
“If it’s untreated addiction or somebody who’s a narcissist and unwilling to work with you, that’s different. But most other relationships, the power struggle is exactly what you need to heal and grow as individuals and as a couple.”
It can be pretty hard to work through your traumas and differences but if you really love each other, that becomes just a small obstacle you need to overcome. Even if we break up and move on, there is a high probability that the same thing will happen again in our next relationship.
We need to realize that while working on ourselves is not the easiest thing to do, it’s absolutely required if we want to live fulfilled lives and have successful relationships with others.
As Joe said, that can enable us to grow individually and as a couple which is really important in building a strong foundation.
A lot of people in the comments said they were the only ones who were doing the work. Of course, some people are not ready or simply don’t want to do the work and that’s also fine. You don’t deserve someone who won’t fight for your love anyway.
Some said it’s also important to know what the differences between you are because some things can’t be worked through if you’re simply not compatible.
In my case, my boyfriend and I realized we had differences but they weren’t something that could keep us apart because our love was stronger. We were ready to find common ground and make it work and that’s what we did!So if you’re in the same situation don’t give up easily, try to talk to your partner and see where they’re standing. If it’s clear they’re pulling back and want to give up, don’t waste your time and energy!