Do you have any idea how it feels knowing that you’re not the first choice? Do you have any idea how it feels knowing that the person you love the most doesn’t love you the same?
Knowing that the person you choose every day doesn’t choose you? Of course you don’t. You have me, you have someone who chooses you over everyone else. Someone who loves you more than she loves herself. Someone who will make sure that you feel loved on the days when she’s not capable of living, but she lives for you. Someone you can come back to, once you’re lonely again. But I can’t keep doing this anymore.
I can’t hold onto hope that you’ll choose me someday. Choose me now. Love me now. I can’t keep on waiting for you, for your love. I need you now, not someday. I need to feel your lips on mine, I need to get lost in your embrace. Is it possible that you don’t see my pain? That you can’t hear my heart breaking every time you don’t choose me?
I can’t keep waiting for you to make up your mind. I can’t keep on hoping and getting my hopes crushed. I can’t keep on believing, when there’s nothing left to believe in. I’m dying in your arms, and you don’t seem to notice. I’m freezing to death and you’re bathing in sunshine, oblivious to my pain. I can’t keep on being your last resort, when I deserve to be your first choice. I deserve to be a priority. I can’t keep on hoping that you’ll see that, when you still haven’t.
I’m done feeling lonely by your side. Is there anything worse than feeling lonely next to someone who means the world to you? Is there anything more painful than feeling lonely next to someone who is supposed to complete you?
I’m done being your safety net. You leave and you come back, knowing I’ll be waiting for you. You walk away and return when you’re alone. And just when I think that I’m okay, just when I have learned how to fall asleep in an empty bed, you come back again. Just when I have embraced my loneliness and started falling in love with myself, you come back and ask me how I am. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I’m not as strong as I want you to believe. And it’s your fault. Stop coming back to me if you’re not ready to stay. Stop giving me false hope that you’ll choose me if you don’t intend to.
Please, let me go if you’re not ready to choose me. Say goodbye one last time and this time mean it. If you’re not ready to commit to me, if you’re not ready to choose me every day, let me go. I can’t move on while you’re here. I can’t force myself to stop loving you, when you’re giving me hope that I’m not loving you in vain. I can’t force myself to walk away, as long as I have something worth staying for. Please, let me go. I deserve more than to be half loved. I deserve more than being someone’s last choice. I deserve more than to be whatever this is that I am to you.
I don’t deserve to drown in loneliness. I don’t deserve to constantly doubt my worth, to constantly doubt if I’m good enough. I know I am, but something about you makes me doubt it. Something about you makes me weak. So, please, for my sake, stop calling me, stop apologizing, because it doesn’t make it any better. It just brings me back to where I was when you left the first, second, or hundredth time. And I’m done with that. Either choose me every day or let me go for good.