A good sense of humor is SO important. How else are we supposed to deal with life’s unexpected curveballs? For me, dark humor quotes and funny pics always hit the mark.
No matter the cards I’ve been dealt, browsing through Tumblr for funny memes, sarcastic quotes, and most importantly, dark humor quotes can make me LOL like nothing else.
If you’re anything like me, you’re going to love this article. Humor has always been my saving grace, and after having gone through some dark stuff, I’ve decided to put a smile on as many faces as I can.
Below, I’ve prepared for you some of the best funny quotes and witty sayings that’ll brighten the darkest of moods.
I love making people laugh, especially about things that are supposed to be ‘off-limits.’
These sassy dark humor quotes reflect the best and worst our society has to offer. Without holding anything back, here are some naughty quotes guaranteed to make you spit your drink out.
See also: 193 Funny Love Quotes & Sayings That Will Make You Pee Your Pants
Funny Dark Humor Quotes
Ready for some intoxicatingly funny dark humor quotes? No matter how frustrated with your life you are, these will make you forget all about it for a brief second.
1. “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”―Robert Bloch
2. “Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose.―Durzo Blint”―Brent Weeks
3. “The rest of us can find happiness in misery.”―Fall Out Boy
4. “It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right ―John Cleaver”―Dan Wells
5. “When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.”―Jay Wickre
6. “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”—W. H. Auden
7. “There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.”—Vladimir Nabokov
8. “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”—Jerry Seinfeld
9. “I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.”—Rose Kennedy
10. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”―George Burns
11. “‘I try to keep in mind,’ I recite dryly as I run the front sight of my pistol over his face, ‘that my life is only as significant as I am to the lives of others.’ He’s sobbing and won’t look up from the floor, so I lean close to his ear and ask softly, ‘Would you say that I’m significant to your life?’”―Dennis Sharpe
12. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”—Will Rogers
13. “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.”―Lucy Grealy
14. “I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.”—Paul Simon
15. “Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.”—E. B. White
16. “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.”—Saul Bellow
17. “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”—Franklin P. Jones
18. “I realized that success in most things depends on finding people stupid enough to volunteer to try doing them but smart enough to have a chance of succeeding.”―Jack Campbell
19. “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”—Bob Hope
20. “What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”—Christopher Fry
21. “Why take hours to drown when you can do it in a minute? Death can be kind if you allow him to be – sometimes.”―M. R. C. Kasasian
22. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”―Steve Martin
23. “I have a knack for finding humor in all sorts of things, no matter how grim. My sense of humor is wry and a bit on the warped side. (Well, more than a bit, depending on whom you ask.)”―Gerri R. Gray
24. “He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him.”―Kayla Krantz
25. “My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.”―Philip Kerr
26. “The need for clean clothing outlived disasters. The end of the world could come, but that would only mean more bloodstains to wash.”―Brandon Sanderson
27. “Life doesn’t end, you just run out of road.”―Stewart Stafford
28. “‘I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants.’”―Libba Bray
29. “I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!”―Stewart Stafford
30. “After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’”―William S. Burroughs
31. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, s*x, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”―Johnny Carson
32. “Arts degrees are awesome. And they help you find meaning where there is none. And let me assure you, there is none. Don’t go looking for it. Searching for meaning is like searching for a rhyme scheme in a cookbook: you won’t find it, and you’ll bugger up your soufflé.”―Tim Minchin
33. “I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”―Mel Brooks
34. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”―Anton Chekhov
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Witty Dark Sense Of Humor Quotes
There’s nothing wrong with having a dark sense of humor. Quite the contrary! It’s one of the most badass ways to get up and kick life’s ass.
1. “What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”―Jess C. Scott
2. “I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to a sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.”―Alan Bradley
3. “The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”―William Clayton
4. “For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.” ―Frankie Boyle (on Margaret Thatcher)
5. “Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.”―Ankita Singhal
6. “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.”—Edward Abbey
7. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”—Robert Frost
8. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”—Ron White
9. “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis Diller
10. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”—Katharine Hepburn
11. “In 5-billion years, the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.”―Neil Degrasse Tyson
12. “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”—George Bernard Shaw
13. “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”―Andrew Lawrence
14. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”—Mark Twain
15. “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end… The person will die.”―Neil deGrasse Tyson
16. “What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them.”―Unknown
17. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”—Don Marquis
18. “If at first, you don’t succeed, blame your parents.”—Marcelene Cox
19. “When God created fools, he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads.”―M. R. C. Kasasian
20. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”—Abraham Lincoln
21. “Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”—H. L. Mencken
22. “Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”―Chuck Palahniuk
23. “Jazz hadn’t given her many details of exactly what life in the Dent house had been like, but he’d told her enough that she knew it wasn’t hearts and flowers. Well, except for the occasional heart cut from a chest. And the kind of flowers you send to funerals.”―Barry Lyga
24. “You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”―Joseph Kesselring
25. “Once upon a time, before pizzerias or Taco Bells, there was a troll named Rumpelstiltskin who began to wonder what a human baby would taste like.”―Vivian Vande Velde
26. “SPOILER ALERT: We all die in the end.”―Stewart Stafford
27. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘okay, you’re ugly too.’”―Rodney Dangerfield
28. “You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.”―Claude Chabrol
29. “In a multiverse wherein every choice you have to make, a new universe spawns for every choice you make. I certainly live in the one where I made a chain of every wrong choice possible”―Mantzaridis Panagiotis
30. “I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.”―Michelle Franklin
31. “Without a sense of humor, one’s wisdom is but a rumor.”―Fakeer Ishavardas
32. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”―Al McGuire
33. “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”―Hunter S. Thompson
34. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”―Bill Watterson
35. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”―Abraham Lincoln
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Dark And Funny Quotes About Life
Here are some truly funny quotes about everything life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When life gives you lemons, share these on social media, and just laugh.
1. “People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”―Jess C. Scott
2. “Man makes plans… And God laughs.”―Michael Chabon
3. “If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”―Terry Pratchett
4. “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”―Brian P. Cleary
5. “‘I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.’ ‘I doubt if I could cook one,’ said Constance.”―Shirley Jackson
6. “A difference in self-loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.”―Justine Larbalestier
7. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”—Will Rogers
8. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”—Terry Pratchett
9. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”—Zsa Zsa Gabor
10. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”—W. C. Fields
11. “I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
12. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.”―James Hetfield
13. “Most people don’t understand what humor is. They think it’s something lighthearted and cheerful. Like ‘good humor.’ But it isn’t. It’s looking into the darkness and spitting at it with a joke. Humor is dark. Humor is that we’re all going to die.”―B. G. Harlen
14. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”—Elbert Hubbard
15. “I persuaded him to throw the dirk away, and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright, fresh new way of killing itself.”―Mark Twain
16. “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… Once you’ve hired the car…”―Tim Key
17. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”—Don Marquis
18. “Luxury is the ease of a t-shirt in a very expensive dress.”―Karl Lagerfeld
19. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”—Theodore Roosevelt
20. “I was walking down Fifth Avenue today, and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”—Emo Philips
21. “‘You see?’ said Laurent. ‘He has forgiven me for the small matter of the whip. I have forgiven him for the small matter of killing my brother. All hail the alliance.’”―C. S. Pacat
22. “Whenever I read the term ‘belief system,’ somewhere between my eyes and my brain, it becomes ‘coping mechanism.’”―Stewart Stafford
23. “Life’s so much simpler when you’re dead!”―Stewart Stafford
24. “Dark humor and sarcasm always seem to find their way into my writing, which isn’t surprising, given that I live and breathe dark humor, and sarcasm is one of the languages in which I’m fluent.”―Gerri R. Gray
25. “Near misses are where you’re nearly killed, near missus are where you’re nearly married―some would argue they’re the same thing.”―Stewart Stafford
26. “A Pope usually worked fourteen-hour days, seven days a week, and died of exhaustion in an average of 6.3 years. The inside joke was that accepting the papacy was a cardinal’s ‘fastest route to heaven.’”―Dan Brown
27. “If anyone ever reported my death incorrectly, I’d confirm it was true on Twitter and that I was tweeting through an Ouija board.”―Stewart Stafford
28. “Diabetes is just like a lover, hurting you from the inside.”―Sherman Alexie
29. “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”―Terry Pratchett
30. “The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”―David Foster Wallace
31. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”―Oscar Wilde
32. “I believe in the salvation of humanity, in the future of cyanide…”―Emil Cioran
33. “Sometimes, I see a bird fly by, and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.”―Demetri Martin
34. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”―Will Rogers
35. “The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.”―Yahtzee Croshaw
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When it comes to dark humor quotes, I don’t think it gets better than these gems.
I’ve always found that being able to laugh no matter what life throws at you is the surest way to pick yourself up again.
Funny quotes, witty memes, and hilarious Tumblr pics are always the right choice. Hopefully, these insightful and sarcastic quotes have made you LOL the way they did me.
And for anyone out there who’s not cool with your hilariously dark sense of humor, here’s an appropriate remark: “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
See also: 140 Inspirational Resilience Quotes To Uplift & Empower You