La lista definitiva de pros y contras de las relaciones que funcionan

En cualquier situación en la que no sepas qué hacer, prueba a hacer una lista de pros y contras y a ver qué pasa.

Poner por escrito tus sentimientos ante cualquier dilema te hace abordarlo de formas distintas a las habituales. A list can open your eyes to what’s important to you and what you prioritize – and even make you rethink your initial expectations.

Cuando se trata de tu vida amorosa, las cosas se complican. Tus sentimientos románticos importan, pero también muchas otras cosas. Hacer una lista de pros y contras de una relación puede ayudarte a tomar decisiones importantes que, de otro modo, pueden parecer difíciles.

These are the questions you should include in your list to make sure that you’re in a relationship that will bring you happiness in the long run.

Cómo crear la lista definitiva de pros y contras de una relación

Incluso las relaciones románticas que empiezan como romances relámpago en los que dos personas se enamoran perdidamente necesitan mucho trabajo si quieren vivir felices para siempre.

Some people only chase that spark, but if you want a long-term partnership, it’s necessary to make sure that the other person is a good match for you.

If you’re unsure, creating a relationship pros and cons list can be a great help. Using the following questions that cover every aspect of a healthy and happy relationship, you can create your own checklist that’s unique to your relationship.

1. Eliminar las banderas rojas

El primer paso a la hora de crear tu lista es analizar detenidamente a tu pareja actual y vuestra relación y eliminar cualquier señal de alarma. A menudo optamos por ignorar las cosas incómodas que hace una persona que nos gusta porque queremos que la relación funcione.

Por desgracia, algunos problemas no harán sino empeorar, así que antes de hacer nada, piensa detenidamente en los siguientes puntos.

Maltrato físico

• Is your partner ever violent or physically abusive?

• When your partner is angry, do you feel unsafe? ¿Tienes miedo de hacerles enfadar?

• Does your partner ever take out their anger on objects around them, such as breaking household items?

• Does your partner push your physical boundaries? When you tell them to stop or ask for space, do they continue to touch you, even in ways that aren’t sexual (poking you, tickling you, hugging you)?

• Does your partner respect your sexual boundaries? Do they ever try to convince you to do something you don’t want to do?

Abuso emocional

• Does your partner put you down? For example, do they tell you that you’re lucky you have them because you could never do better?

• Do they frequently criticize your appearance, behavior, friends, etc.?

• Are they passive-aggressive and sarcastic in their comments about you?

• Does your partner blame you for their problems?

• Can you talk to them openly, feeling safe instead of judged?

• Can you express your feelings without fear?

• Do you feel comfortable or anxious around your partner?

• Does your partner gaslight you? Do they ever try to manipulate your reality by rejecting your words? Do they tell you you’re too sensitive or deny your feelings when you express them?

RELACIONADO: 7 formas de protegerse del maltrato emocional

Celos

• Is your partner excessively celoso y posesivo?

• Do they try to control where you go, what you do or who you socialize with?

• Can they manage their jealousy?

• Is your partner clingy, needy or demands too much of your time? Are they okay spending time apart from you?

Honestidad

• Does your partner frequently lie to you?

• Is your partner consistently hiding things from you or trying to make themselves seem better by telling you things that aren’t true?

• Does your partner tell you things on a need-to-know basis?

Compromiso

• Is your partner unwilling to compromise?

• Do they tell you that things are always done your way whenever you get to make even the smallest shared decision?

Comunicación

• Can you communicate effectively?

• Does your partner listen to you or do they only wait for their turn to speak? Are they open to hearing you out?

RELACIONADO: 9 formas de gestionar la falta de comunicación en una relación

Resolución de conflictos

• Does your partner avoid discussing problems?

• Do they walk away from arguments or ignore you when you try to talk about a difficult topic?

• Do they lash out at you instead of discussing something?

• Do you avoid conflict because they always escalate it?

• Does your partner fight to win and not to solve your problems? Is it important to them to always be right?

Socialización

• Does your partner often gossip or talk negatively about others?

• Do they have friendships and are they accepting of your friends?

• Do your friends and family like your partner?

• Are you reluctant to introduce your partner to your family and friends? Is there something about them that you don’t want your loved ones to see?

Compromiso

• Does your partner always choose you?

• Do you think they are capaz de comprometerse?

Salud mental

• Does your partner care about their mental health?

• Do they know how to care for their salud mental?

• Does your partner constantly need validation from you?

• Do they have self-esteem and self-confidence issues that they’re not addressing?

• Does your partner expect you to take responsibility for their feelings?

Otros asuntos

• Does your partner show signs of alcohol or substance abuse?

• Does your partner have a bad relationship with their family that they won’t tell you about?

• Would you describe your partner as “difficult”?

• Is your partner prejudiced? ¿Están a la defensiva sobre sus creencias acerca de los grupos de personas sobre los que tienen prejuicios? ¿Rechazan el debate sobre este tema?

• Does your partner consider some people to be below them, such as people in the service industry? Are they rude to those people? Do they act entitled to be treated a certain way by anyone?

• Does your partner call their exes crazy or only speaks ill of them?

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Using this checklist to think about whether you’re noticed red flags in your partner’s behavior and your relationship will already make quite a list of pros and cons of being in a relationship with your partner.

If they’re not showing any red flags that can’t be solved, your relationship can be healthy and successful. Es hora de pasar al siguiente nivel.

2. Examine sus valores

Now you’re ready to take a look at how well your relationship can work by examining your values. Initially, certain things might not seem important, but the more serious a relationship gets, your values become more relevant.

The challenge of mismatched values is that it’s almost impossible to reach a compromise. Si su pareja no comparte estos valores con usted, se convierten en factores de ruptura en una relación.

Aquí están los core values it’s necessary to agree on si quieres tener una relación exitosa con alguien.

• Religious beliefs

For some people, religion is important; for others, it doesn’t matter at all. In a relationship, it isn’t necessary for your religious beliefs to be the same, but it’s important that they don’t clash.

If you want to be with someone who’ll accompany you to church every Sunday and your partner is an atheist, you might have problems down the road.

• Political views

En teoría, personas con opiniones políticas diferentes pueden tener una relación, pero las probabilidades de que funcione son escasas. Tus valores políticos reflejan tus creencias básicas sobre el mundo. Dos personas que ven algo que les importa de formas completamente distintas nunca podrán ponerse de acuerdo sobre esas cuestiones.

Even your best friend probably shares your political views, so a partner who doesn’t probably isn’t for you.

• Life stage

Is your partner still living like they’re in high school or college while you’re ready to have a family? If your life stages don’t match, you need to discuss this and come to an agreement before your relationship can progress.

Para que una relación funcione, ambos miembros de la pareja deben estar en el mismo lugar y desear lo mismo. If one partner puts off their own goals because the other person isn’t ready, it can lead to resentment and, eventually, heartbreak.

• Career pathways

Tu relación tiene un impacto significativo en tu carrera. Quiere que su pareja apoye sus ambiciones, comparta sus objetivos y sueños y le inspire para trabajar en su realización personal. If this is lacking in your relationship, you’ll have less motivation and feel discouraged, resulting in dissatisfaction and unhappiness with your path in life.

• Gender roles

Cuando una pareja heterosexual tiene opiniones diferentes sobre los roles de género, pueden surgir problemas en todos los aspectos de su relación. Some men and women feel that they have to act a certain way because of society’s expectations, while others completely reject these beliefs.

Si uno de los miembros de la pareja cree firmemente en los estereotipos de género, mientras que el otro hace caso omiso de ellos, encontrar una forma de funcionar será casi imposible.

• Loyalty

From the first date, you and your partner define what your relationship means to each of you and as well as what it means to be loyal. Some people don’t consider monogamy necessary for a loyal and loving relationship, while others believe that this is the basis of loyalty. 

Definición de qué significa ser leal a los dos and that you’re on the same page is essential for a happy relationship.

• Sexual expectations

If a couple is unhappy with their sex life, a relationship doesn’t have much chance of survival. Las diferentes necesidades y expectativas sexuales pueden separar a una pareja.

Open and honest communication about sex is crucial if you want to work on this, but sometimes talking about it isn’t enough. A partner who’s unhappy if they don’t tener relaciones sexuales todos los días can compromise with their partner who doesn’t like sex very much at all, but they’ll both grow miserable eventually.

• Family

Both your extended family and the family you create together play an important role in your relationship. Early on in a relationship, while you’re exploring new feelings and living new experiences, this topic doesn’t seem important, but in a long-term relationship it’s crucial.

You need to agree on your life together and how it will involve each other’s families and whether or not you want to have childreny, si lo haces, cuándo y cuántas. Estas cuestiones pueden hacer o deshacer una relación.

• Parenting

As parents, you’ll have to work towards the same goal of raising your children to be happy and kind. Parents must back each other up, but if they don’t agree on how to raise their children, it becomes impossible. Parents who disagree on their parenting styles don’t only hurt each other and their relationship, but their children as well.

• Financial beliefs

When you’re in love, talking about money is the least romantic thing imaginable. But for a successful relationship, it’s something you need to discuss and agree on. 

Income, debt, shared or separate accounts, spending, saving, budgeting – none of these issues are romantic, but if you disagree on them, they can cause a lot of problems in your relationship.

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Sit down with your partner and talk about these things. You might be able to reach a solution for some discrepancies in values, but you don’t want to reach a point where you’re ready for kids, and your partner tells you they don’t want any.

3. Evalúe su esfuerzo

If there are no insurmountable red flags and your values match, there’s another important matter to consider: su esfuerzo y su voluntad de trabajar en su relación.

Esta es la clave del éxito de una relación. Cuando ambos miembros de la pareja se dedican a hacer que las cosas funcionen, las cosas van a funcionar. En el momento en que alguno de los dos renuncie, vuestra relación empezará a deteriorarse.

Éstos son algunos signs that you’re making an effort y están dispuestos a cultivar su relación:

• You regularly talk to each other about everything from your day to your dreams and hopes.

• When you have a problem, you talk it through without letting anger take over.

• You show each other respect.

• You support each other’s goals.

• You don’t hold resentments.

• You make time for each other

• You do something nice or special for each other regularly.

• You communicate regularly and with the desire to understand.

• You can be vulnerable with each other without fear.

• You like each other’s company and have fun together.

• You’re both willing to work on your personal issues to improve your relationship.

• You compliment each other and show appreciation.

• You forgive each other easily.

• You support and motivate each other.

• You can rely on each other.

4. Explora lo que te gusta de tu pareja

La lista también debe incluir las cosas que le resultan simpáticas o molestas de su pareja. Éstas son the things that give your relationship that special something even though they don’t play a huge role in how your relationship functions.

For example, maybe you love the fact that you and your partner share lots of common interests and that they’re cute when they smile, but you dislike their snoring. 

These aren’t good or bad things when you look at the big picture, but they’re important because they bring joy to your everyday life.

5. Evaluación emocional

Por fin, escucha tus instintos. La intuición es una herramienta importante a la hora de tomar decisiones por una buena razón. Sometimes we already know things that we don’t want to admit to ourselves. La intuición es el resultado del procesamiento subconsciente de todo lo que percibes, sientes y sabes, por lo que rara vez te induce a error.

Sometimes things work even though they don’t seem they would, and relationships that would be perfect on paper fail. Escucha tus sentimientos para obtener esa información adicional. 

Just make sure that you don’t ignore the real issues because of wishful thinking.

Ejemplo de lista de pros y contras de una relación

Here’s an example of what a relationship pros and cons list would look like if you created it using the method outlined in this article. Should this imaginary couple break up or work on their relationship?

PROS:

• You trust your partner because they’ve proven their loyalty numerous times.

• You’re sexually compatible and enjoy your sex life.

• You both want to have children in five years and your life plans are compatible.

• They’re supportive and understanding.

• They’re kind and gentle and never raise their voice.

• You like their vibe, their dressing style and their taste which make them particularly interesting to you.

• They’re thoughtful and do little things for you that make you feel cherished.

CONS:

• They have anxiety issues that they don’t want to work on.

• They have trouble voicing their feelings because of shyness and anxiety and you feel like they don’t rely on you.

• You don’t get along with their family which has been hostile to you from the start.

En resumen

Para hacer una lista de pros y contras de una relación, empieza por analizar detenidamente cualquier posible señal de alarma en tu pareja o en tu relación. Éstas son las cosas que hacen que una relación sea infeliz o un fracaso, a menos que se ponga mucho cuidado en trabajar en ellas.

Next, think about whether or not your values match – are the same things important to you and do you want the same things. If you don’t, it will be difficult to find a compromise without resentment on one or both sides.

Effort is a crucial part of relationships, and the real challenge starts only after “happily ever after.” If you and your partner are both happy to work on your relationship, it will be successful. And don’t forget to include your gut feelings for your relationship and your partner because it can reveal the things other methods can’t.

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