Mi novio me ha engañado: 21 cosas que debes y no debes hacer

Mi novio me ha engañado, ¿qué debo hacer?

Si alguna vez se te ha pasado por la cabeza esta frase o una parecida, sabes lo devastadora y desgarradora que es esta experiencia.

When you first find out that someone you could have sworn would do you no harm went behind your back and deliberately wounded you emotionally, you feel lost and don’t know what to do.

¿Todo lo que tuvisteis fue una gran mentira? ¿Alguna vez te quiso?

¿Su novio infiel ¿Alguna vez pensó en ti mientras lo hacía? ¿Por qué lo hizo en primer lugar?

Estas y muchas otras preguntas pasan por tu cabeza y no tienes respuestas.

In this state of shock, it is expected of you to make some moves that don’t look like you. You don’t know what the right thing to do is and you need guidance. Well, that’s why we’re here.

I wish that not a single woman has to read this but if you’re in a similar situation and if your boyfriend cheated on you, we’ll help you play your cards right and make the best of it all.

Here are some things you should do and the things you shouldn’t do when you’re the victim of his infidelity.

11 Things You Should And Shouldn’t Do When Engaña Sobre ti

1. Estar seguro de ello

Before finding ways to deal with your partner’s infidelity, firstly, you have to be sure that it really happened.

Una cosa es que te haya confesado que te ha engañado, porque en este caso, todo está más que claro y sabes a qué atenerte.

However, if these are your doubts only based on your gut feeling and if the sentence ‘I think my boyfriend cheated on me’ has gone through your mind, it is time to do some more investigating.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not advising you to go all crazy and dig up all the details from his other relationships just to break your heart even more.

I’m telling you to get all the intel you can so you have all the proof you need in case your cheating boyfriend starts denying it or presenting it as much different than it actually is.

Por ejemplo, si has encontrado algunos mensajes de texto incriminatorios o actividades sospechosas en sus perfiles de las redes sociales, guarda las pruebas para más tarde o incluso sigue espiándole hasta que llegues al fondo de estos mensajes de texto y cosas por el estilo y veas si hay algo más oculto detrás.

Necesitas saber si tuvo una relación seria paralela o fue algo de una sola vez.

¿Era alguien a quien mensajes de texto durante algún tiempo o la aventura fue física?

Sí, poner los cuernos no tiene excusa y es una de las peores cosas que le puedes hacer a tu media naranja, pero sigue habiendo una diferencia entre si tuvo una aventura que duró un tiempo y que estuvo ocultando conscientemente mientras vivía una doble vida y si sólo fue un momento de debilidad mientras estaba borracho, que se arrepintió cuanto antes.

You see, it would be much easier for you to believe that this was just your imagination and that your boyfriend didn’t cheat on you at all.

Así que, si empieza a mentir o a acusarte de exagerar, tu subconsciente te hará confiar en él, simplemente porque quieres borrar este episodio y continuar con vuestra relación.

However, if you present him with the evidence of his infidelity, he won’t have any choice but to confess everything.

2. Aceptarla

Sadly, the worst thing many women do after they realize they’ve been cheated on is pretend it didn’t happen and avoid entering the realm of recuperación de la aventura. 

Pues bien, si quieres hacerlo todo bien, tienes que escapar de este patrón tóxico de comportamiento y aceptar la cruda verdad.

There is no point in trying to dig into this as deeply as possible, no point in repressing your emotions, pretending that you’re not hurt or heartbroken or acting like the entire affair didn’t happen.

Sí, probablemente ahora te resulte más fácil manejarlo así, pero a la larga este enfoque te traerá muchos más problemas de los que crees.

Don’t let your boyfriend’s moves define you and remember that you are and will always be much more than a girl who got cheated on.

Nevertheless, you need to embrace it because it is the truth you can’t run away from and which won’t magically disappear if you choose to ignore it.

You can’t expect to move on or to heal unless you face reality first.

Te guste o no, tienes que tener la fuerza para aceptarlo y encontrar la mejor manera de afrontarlo.

3. Enfrentarse a él

Don’t give your boyfriend the silent treatment or go all pasivo-agresivo on him, expecting he’ll realize you know about his infidelity.

Don’t waste your time and lose more of your patience by waiting for him to bring the subject up because that won’t happen.

This man has been able to keep a secret from you and go behind you back, so he certainly won’t start the topic by himself.

Instead, he’ll pretend to be innocent for as long as possible.

That is why you’ll be the one to put a stop to this agony and start this conversation.

Cuéntale tus dudas y espera su reacción y respuesta.

Si tu novio intenta negar la aventura y empieza a convencerte de que no tenía ningún sentido, golpéale con todas las pruebas que tengas.

Show him that you’re not a fool he can keep on playing with!

4. Don’t take it personally

After you get cheated on, you think that you’re the only one who didn’t see what was happening right in front of your eyes.

You analyze your relationship and can’t help but wonder where things went wrong and how it was possible for the two of you to get to this stage.

Well, I’m here to beg you to put an effort into not taking it so personally. First of all, trust me—you’re not alone.

Unfortunately, cheating happens all the time and there are many more women around you who have been through something similar; you just don’t know it since they chose to stay quiet about it.

En segundo lugar, tu novio es un infiel y eso no tiene nada que ver contigo.

Su naturaleza infiel no tiene correlación con tu aspecto, personalidad o la forma en que le trataste; es un problema que tiene y algo que tiene que arreglar de sí mismo.

I know you’ll probably start replaying your entire relationship back and forth in your mind. Were you not enough?

¿Podrías haber sido más guapa, más lista, más interesante? ¿Deberías haberte dado cuenta antes de que algo pasaba?

He probably cheated on his exes and it is very likely that he’ll continue with his behavior patterns regardless of whether he remains next to you or moves on to his next victim.

And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it; you couldn’t have prevented it and nor could you have predicted it.

5. Don’t let him put the blame on you

Cuando la gente engaña, suele arrastrar a su pareja a la juego de culpar.

En lugar de asumir toda la responsabilidad por sus horribles acciones, algunos hombres intentan darle la vuelta a la tortilla y hacerte sentir culpable por haberte engañado.

Suena ridículo, lo sé.

However, when your low self-esteem kicks in and when you feel humiliated and betrayed, it is way easier for you to be manipulated into believing that you’re guilty as well.

Don’t allow him to tell you that he did all of this because you weren’t giving him enough attention, because you refused to experiment under the sheets, because you don’t look the way you did at the beginning of your relationship, because you stopped giving him butterflies, because your relationship had fallen into a rut or something like that.

Don’t believe his empty excuses because there is absolutely no justification for what he did.

After all, if he wasn’t content with your committed relationship or if you weren’t making him happy anymore, he should have tried talking things through and put an effort into rebuilding and reviving your romance.

Luego, si nada funcionaba, siempre tenía la opción de marcharse como un caballero.

Sin embargo, eligió la peor de todas las opciones; eligió traicionarte y apuñalarte por la espalda, sin pensárselo dos veces y sin importarle un bledo las consecuencias que su aventura pudiera dejarte.

Please remember—you’re the victim here and the victim is never guilty.

Si tuvo los cojones de ir por ahí engañando, que sea lo suficientemente hombre y asuma la responsabilidad de sus actos como un adulto.

Trust me—by accusing you for his misdeeds and engaging in these blame games, he is just trying to make things easier for himself.

Sólo intenta limpiar su conciencia y liberarse de la culpa.

And you shouldn’t allow him to do that at any cost.

6. …but don’t blame the other girl either

A primera vista, es probable que empieces a maldecir el día en que nació la chica con la que te engañó tu novio.

You’ll aim all of your disappointment and hate toward her. This man loved you and respected you until she came along, right?

She must have seduced him into cheating and manipulated him into believing she’d give him what you couldn’t.

Y estos pensamientos no son inusuales.

Después de todo, es mucho más fácil para ti echarle toda la culpa a una chica cualquiera de la que no sabes nada que darte cuenta de que pasaste años al lado de alguien que te haría algo así.

It is easier to come up with different scenarios in which she’s the bad guy, while he is a naive boy who did everything by accident and didn’t know better.

Más fácil pero no cierto.

Nadie espera que te conviertas en el mejor amigo de esta mujer o que sientas pena por ella, pero ¿se te ha pasado por la cabeza que ella también es su víctima?

That she didn’t even know you existed? Or maybe she did but he kept lying to her?

Let’s be honest—your boyfriend probably didn’t tell her that te quiere very much and that he doesn’t plan on leaving you.

Even though being the third wheel to someone’s serious relationship is not something anyone should be proud of, have in mind that she is not guilty of ruining your relationship.

Si tu hombre es un tramposo...te engañará y si no es con ella, será con otra.

After all, she is not the one who made any commitment toward you. She didn’t make any promises and nor did she break any vows.

Ella no es la que te debía fidelidad ni la que tenía el deber de respetar tu amor y los sacrificios que hiciste.

She is not the one who should have thought of you—he is.

7. Hable con él sinceramente

Sí, este hombre te ha causado mucho daño. Te rompió el corazón y traicionó tu confianza de la peor manera posible.

I’m not justifying his actions at all but this event doesn’t nullify your entire relación comprometida y todo lo que compartisteis, tuvisteis y pasasteis antes de que ocurriera la infidelidad.

Este sigue siendo el hombre con el que tienes una historia y alguien a quien considerabas tu mejor amigo y alma gemela hasta hace poco.

Por lo tanto, ambos merecen tener una charla honesta sobre todo lo que ha sucedido.

Don’t spare him anything, tell him exactly how you feel and face him with the consequences of his actions.

You don’t have to put a brave mask on and pretend that you’re completely unharmed because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

However, don’t see yourself as a victim either (even though you are his victim) and don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Habla sinceramente de todo lo que ha pasado, de todo lo que te ha llevado a este horrible acontecimiento.

Most importantly—talk about your plans for the future and be honest about whether it is possible to rebuild your relationship or not.

¿Qué es lo que quiere? ¿Te está suplicando que vuelvas con él o quiere poner fin a las cosas?

8. Permítase tiempo para el duelo

What you’ve been through is not the end of the world or the end of your life. However, it is not easy either.

Darse cuenta de que el ser amado ha sido infiel es devastador para cualquier mujer.

So, please don’t feel the need for some heroic acts and don’t pretend like everything is in perfect order.

En su lugar, permítase tiempo para grieve. Llora y grita si sientes la necesidad de hacerlo.

Si es posible, tómate unos días libres en el trabajo y cancela todas tus obligaciones para poder tener algo de tiempo para ti.

Procesa todo lo que ha ocurrido antes de estar preparado para volver al mundo.

9. Haz todo lo posible por perdonarle

After the initial shock has passed and after you accept the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you, the first emotion you’ll probably have is hate.

You’ll feel repulsed by this man and you’ll curse the day he was born.

Please, don’t feel bad about it since it is completely normal and a phase all of us have gone through.

However, don’t let these negative emotions get the best of you and overwhelm your entire being either.

You see, hatred and resentment won’t do any damage to the guy who cheated you.

He won’t feel it and nor will it make him regret his decision, if he hasn’t already.

Por otro lado, te comerá vivo y te romperá aún más el corazón.

Cambiará la esencia de la persona que eras y te convertirá en una mujer amargada, negativa y sin nada de amor.

Por lo tanto, por favor encuentra la fuerza en ti mismo para eventualmente perdone tu novio infiel.

Of course, your forgiveness is a process that takes time, otherwise it wouldn’t be honest.

What is important is for you to try as hard as you can, even if he doesn’t ask you to.

Remember—you’re not doing it for his sake, you’re doing it to liberate yourself of all the toxic waste he left behind.

Naturally, forgiving your boyfriend doesn’t have anything to do with whether you’ll take him back or not.

By accepting his apology (even if you didn’t get one), you’re letting go of everything bad that has happened, you’re getting rid of the emotional baggage this affair put on your shoulders and you’re minimalizing the possibility of carrying some past traumas into your future.

10. Don’t wait for closure

Como mujer traicionada, es perfectamente natural que exijas una explicación a tu infiel.

You want to know all the details of his affair and most importantly—you want to know why he did all of this.

Well, I have to disappoint you and tell you that it is unlikely that you’ll ever get the answers you crave.

No importa lo que este tipo te diga, su explicación nunca te satisfará lo suficiente.

Por otro lado, también existe la posibilidad de que convierta toda esta situación en una pelea, sólo para evitar hablar las cosas.

En cualquier caso, tienes que deje de esperar al cierre y simplemente debes seguir adelante con o sin ella.

Even if you don’t get an apology, if you never find out exactly what happened, if he doesn’t show signs of remorse, none of it is your concern.

Tu única obligación en este momento es superar todo esto de forma sana y salir de él con las menores consecuencias posibles.

After all, there is no valid explanation for cheating. He is an asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants—simple as that.

11. Tómese su tiempo para tomar una decisión

It is crucial for you to have one significant thing in mind—this is your life and you’re the only one who has the right to make decisions regarding it.

At the end of the day, you’re the one who will suffer the consequences of your choices and the one who has to live with them.

So when you decide whether you’ll recuperar a tu novio infiel or not, don’t listen to anyone.

Sí, tus seres más queridos sólo te desean lo mejor, pero no caminan en tus zapatos y no tienen nada que decir al respecto.

Una cosa es que decidas volver con este chico o no pero otra muy distinta es que hagas algo de esto por culpa de otras personas.

I won’t lie to you—dumping a cheater is never a wrong choice.

Los hombres como él rara vez cambian y es probable que repita su error, incluso si consigues superar lo que hizo esta vez.

Sin embargo, si crees que merece una segunda oportunidad, nadie te juzgará por ello.

Just be aware you’ll both have to invest a lot of time and energy before your relationship starts functioning all over again.

Véase también: Desenamorarse tras una infidelidad: 12 maneras fáciles de hacerlo

5 cosas que debes hacer si decides volver con él

For some people, their partner’s infidelity is not a deal breaker and they want to give their relationship another shot.

If you’re one of these people, here are the steps you should follow.

1. Don’t expect your relationship to ever be the same…

As much as you try doing so, be aware that you can’t magically erase the affair which happened.

Tú y tu compañero sólo podéis hacer equipo, recoger los pedazos rotos e intentar pegarlos de nuevo.

Nevertheless, don’t expect things to be the way they were.

Just because you forgave him, it doesn’t mean that everything is back in order and that you’ll manage to have una relación sana durante la noche.

In fact, you’re up for many more fights, grudges and arguments.

Sin embargo, lo peor que puedes hacer es reprimir todas tus emociones y fingir que no ha pasado nada.

Así que, sí, tu relación será diferente en muchos aspectos.

After all, something clearly wasn’t right about how it worked before, otherwise the affair wouldn’t have happened, so don’t see this change as something necessarily bad.

However, it is completely up to you whether you’ll be able to make the best out of this painful situation or you’ll make things even worse and break your relationship to the point of no repair.

I won’t lie to you—very few couples succeed in doing this.

No son pocos los que ven en ello un último aviso de que algo va mal y lo consideran un punto de inflexión para su relación.

Sin embargo, todas las parejas son diferentes y nadie puede decirte qué pasará contigo y con tu novio.

You can just hope for the best, since you’ve already chosen to take things in this direction.

2. … but don’t bring up the cheating constantly

Nobody expects you to ever forget what you’ve been through.

At the end of the day, you can’t order your heart to heal until it’s fully ready so don’t even try doing so.

Sin embargo, hay una diferencia entre olvidar y perdonar. Y tú elegiste hacer lo segundo.

Be honest about yourself—are you really ready to forgive your boyfriend for cheating on you?

¿Todavía le quieres de verdad, a pesar de que haya hecho esta cosa horrible?

Do you believe that your story deserves another sequel? Are you certain that you’re not doing this just to heal your ego?

If the answers to most of these questions are negative, then it’s time to let go of every thought of reconciliation and tell this man your final goodbye.

It is pointless to try and rebuild something if you’re sure that you’ll never be able to fully forgive him and if you don’t hope you’ll manage to work things out..

On the other hand, if you think that you have the capacity to leave his affair in the past, you’ll make no progress if you continue bringing it up every time you have the chance to.

Don’t use it as an excuse for your toxic behavior and don’t see it as permission to be a bitch to your boyfriend.

Remember—he didn’t force you to let him back into your life, it was your choice.

3. Apoye su decisión

Y es una elección que debes apoyar a toda costa.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should forgive him for another affair but changing your mind every few days is not acceptable and nor is it healthy for either of you.

So, please don’t listen to people telling you that you should have done things differently. Don’t second-guess your decision, now that you’ve already made it, and don’t think of all the what-ifs.

You’re a mature, grown woman who has the right to make her own choices so please don’t compare yourself with other girls either.

Recuerda que cada pareja es una historia en sí misma y ten fe en que hiciste lo que estaba destinado para ti.

4. Don’t seek revenge

I’m warning you—one of the first impulses you’ll have when you find out you’ve been cheated on is to make your boyfriend pay for his affair.

Incluso cuando decidas perdonarle, la idea de venganza puede volver ocasionalmente a tu mente.

Don’t feel bad about these thoughts because it is completely natural for you to have them.

Buscas mecanismos de defensa y formas de curar tu corazón y tu ego rotos.

Por lo tanto, supones que darle a este tipo una probada de su propia medicina sería lo ideal.

De este modo, los dos sentiréis lo mismo y estaréis en posiciones similares. Además, crees que te ayudará a recuperar tu dignidad.

You pay him back and he will get what he deserves for the humiliation he’s put you through. Well, let me tell you that none of this is true.

Even though I’m not some kind of pacifist, trust me that seeking revenge will get you nowhere and that it is one of the worst things you could do to your relationship, which you decided you wanted to try and recover.

En primer lugar, nunca se sabe cuáles fueron las razones por las que tu novio se fue a tus espaldas.

¿Estuvo realmente enamorado de esta otra mujer durante un tiempo?

Even if he wasn’t, the fact is that she attracted him enough to forget about his loyalty and commitment.

So, no matter what you do to pay him back, you’ll always have these doubts.

On the other hand, he’ll forever be aware that you didn’t cheat because you wanted to—you only did it to hurt him. Knowing that, your affairs will never have the same echoes in your relationship.

Another argument against revenge is the fact that by doing this, you’ll be the same as your boyfriend.

He’ll have succeeded in pulling you down to his level and you’ll get the label of a cheater as well, when you both know that you’re not one in the essence of your being.

Also, it is completely unnecessary to pull yet another person into your drama. You might break some other guy’s heart in the process and you of all people know how painful that is.

5. 5. Pedir ayuda

El proceso de recuperación tras un engaño nunca es fácil ni breve.

After some time of attempting to make things right, many couples realize that, in spite of all of their desires, they aren’t capable of doing it by themselves.

Y no hay nada de qué avergonzarse.

De hecho, buscar ayuda profesional es exactamente lo que usted y su pareja deben hacer si quieren superar esta situación de la forma más saludable posible.

5 cosas que debes hacer si decides mudarte solo

On the other hand, if you see this cheating as a serious deal breaker you can’t surpass (after all, the two of you weren’t in an open relationship) and you decide to romper con este tipo para siempre, hay algunas cosas que debes recordar:

1. Don’t rush your healing

Lo primero que tienes que hacer si decides seguir adelante por ti mismo es tomar todas las tiempo que necesite para curarse adecuadamente.

You’ve had a massive emotional blow and it is completely natural that you can’t get it off your shoulders in a matter of days.

So please, don’t pretend like if you’re okay when you’re not. Don’t feel embarrassed about your sadness and embrace it as a natural part of your healing process.

Most importantly—ignore everyone who is telling you that you should have gotten over this by now.

Yes, they’re right—your ex isn’t worthy of your tears but if you feel like crying, it is always better to get it out of your system than to pile it up inside of you.

Of course, you shouldn’t let your grief get the best of you but you shouldn’t rush yourself into doing something you’re not ready for just to meet other people’s expectations.

You loved this guy for a very long time and it will take you a while to forget what he’s done to you.

The point here is that you’re not only trying to fix your heartbreak, you’re also dealing with your crushed ego, low autoestimainseguridades y dudas respecto a tu autoestima que surgieron de esta situación.

So, healing under these circumstances is even harder than recovering from a ‘standard’ breakup. However, it can be done and I promise that you will do it!

2. Don’t jump into new relationships

Uno de los mayores errores que puedes cometer es lanzarte a los brazos del primer hombre que se cruce en tu camino lo antes posible.

Going from one rebound relationship to the next won’t make you forget your past—it will only be toxic for your present and future.

Your best friends and family may keep telling you that it’s best to fight fire with fire but trust me, in your case, this is not the way to go.

Besides involving some new boyfriend in your drama, this relationship will make you feel more miserable and it certainly won’t help you leave your traumas behind.

You see, moving on isn’t just about finding a new boyfriend. It’s about finding yourself again before you’re ready for a nueva relación.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying that you should remain single forever.

Just don’t do anything you don’t truly want to do and don’t put yourself back in the dating pool until you resolve all of your issues.

3. Take it as a lesson…

En lugar de lamentarte por tu pasado y verlo como lo peor que te ha podido pasar, haz todo lo posible por aprender de él.

I know it sounds like a cliché but trust me when I tell you that you ought to be grateful for the way things turned out.

After all, you got rid of a man who clearly didn’t love you enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have te engañó.

As much as you might refuse to admit this, you two weren’t meant to be and this is actually God’s way of saving you from more misery that would come in the future, if you had stuck by his side.

También fue una oportunidad para que comprendieras lo fuerte y poderosa que eres. Una oportunidad para conocer tu verdadero yo y ver todas tus capacidades.

Estos acontecimientos le enseñaron que no todo el mundo es quien pretende ser.

It showed you that there are some bad people out there who will hurt you without a second thought and that you shouldn’t trust just anyone, even if that someone is your romantic partner.

4. … but don’t punish all men out there

However, this doesn’t mean that all men are to blame for the mistake one made.

When you’re finally ready to start dating again, don’t let this one experience burden you or convince you that you’ll never have a healthy relationship.

It is perfectly fine if you’re a little bit more careful now, that you need time to open up and that you’re picky about the ones who you let into your life.
Nevertheless, please don’t become guarded.

Don’t punish every guy who crosses your path for your ex’s sins. Yes, people cheat but not all men are the same.

No todos te harán pasar por un desamor y no todos son infieles.

Por favor, dale a un buen chico la oportunidad de demostrar que te equivocas.

When he comes into your life, give him an opportunity to show you that he’s different and don’t chase him away just because of your emotional baggage.

5. Centrarse en uno mismo

Lo más importante aquí es poner toda tu energía en ti mismo.

Para empezar, aunque vuelvas a salir, concéntrate en ser feliz.

Recuerda tu autoestima, understand that you’re the most important person in this world and that you don’t need anyone to complete you.

Sí, es genial si encuentra un hombre digno de tu tiempo and effort but even if you don’t, I promise you that you will make it on your own.