No merecías morir

Sabes, aunque pienso en ti la mayor parte del tiempo, de alguna manera puedo afrontar la verdad y aceptar que te has ido. Me digo que debo ser fuerte porque tú ya no estás aquí para ser fuerte por los dos.

I even try to understand those people who tell me that God always takes away the best people and that you were just like that. I believe them when they say that you take care of me from heaven and that you would be so proud of me for everything I’ve gone through.

But there are days when I can’t accept that you are not here because you have every right to be. So, I get mad. I get frustrated. I get angry. And there are so many bad emotions inside of me that I sometimes think I will explode.

Because no matter how much I would love to bring you back, I can’t. And that feeling is eating me alive. It makes my body shiver. It makes a fuss in my mind, so I can’t think straight. It makes different questions keep rising in my head, and I don’t have an answer to any of them.

And on those days, I feel so bad that I can’t be strong like you always wanted me to be. I am sorry that I am negative and that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am sorry that I am bad company. I am sorry for not being as strong as you were.

You know, I am mad because you left all those people who loved you. You just left even if we weren’t ready for that.

Don’t you know that there are still faces that need your kisses? Don’t you know that there are still small hands that are waiting to reach around your neck? Don’t you know that I miss you? We all do.Y lo que más me jode es estar en compañía de gente mala que vive su vida perfecta mientras tú estás a dos metros bajo tierra. Y tu hermoso y puro corazón merecía más que un poco de fría suciedad. Merecía más días y años con tus seres queridos.

Te merecías vivir una vida feliz rodeado de tu familia, de tus nietos que saltarán alegremente a tu alrededor mientras intentas darles de comer. Merecías morir mientras dormías sabiendo que estaremos bien sin ti. Que sabremos cuidar de nosotros mismos porque tú nos enseñaste muy bien a hacerlo.

But no. You didn’t wait. You left without even saying goodbye. You left so unexpectedly. And I still can’t believe you are not here. And you have every right to be.

I am so mad because life isn’t fair. I am mad because you didn’t deserve to die. I am mad because nothing about your life was fair—and about your death either.

It hurts so much that I can’t call you and ask you about your day. I hate that I miss you all the time. I hate that every memory of you makes me cry. And most of all, I hate that you are not here.

You are supposed to sit here with me, telling me that I shouldn’t cry but laugh instead. You should be here to tell me that I have to be strong because you always taught me to be like that.

Deberías estar aquí, para poder apoyar mi cabeza en tu hombro como solía hacer después de un estresante día de trabajo. ¡Maldita sea, deberías estar aquí!

Y no importa si creo a la gente por un momento cuando dicen que ahora estás en un lugar mejor, seguiré pensando que todo fue un gran error.

I will still believe that you shouldn’t have gone.

I will still believe that you didn’t deserve to die.

Christine es autora de ‘Mirar fijamente a los ojos de la ansiedad y la depresión’Un libro que cambiará tu forma de combatir la ansiedad y la depresión.