Te odio por hacerme sentir que todo fue culpa mía

A mi Favoritos Monstruo,

I wish I could say I don’t feel a thing toward you. I wish I could say you can’t get to me anymore, but, unfortunately, I’m not one of those women who can find the strength to forgive their abusers in order to move on.

I don’t forgive you and I can’t let go of the things you did to me. I still get shivers when I remember the things you did to me and the things I let you do to me. I hate you for it.

Even though I know better now, I’m going to ask myself for the rest of my life why I wasn’t good enough.

I still wonder if I’m ever going to be able to shake the feeling that all of it is my fault and if I’m ever going to stop apologizing for the things I am not guilty of.

Me hiciste sentir completamente inútil. Me arruinaste emocionalmente haciéndote la víctima de las circunstancias que creaste y haciéndome sentir el monstruo.

You blamed me for you going out and drinking every night. It was my fault you showed up late, smelling of another woman’s perfume.

Because if I had been good enough, you would’ve never done something like that.

You made me out to be a lunatic whenever I wanted to know where you’d been. Me hiciste sentir como si yo fuera el loco cuando te expliqué cómo nunca pasábamos tiempo juntos, cómo yo ya no era tu prioridad, y dijiste que yo tenía la culpa cuando ya no me mostrabas amor.

And then, after you’d said your fair share of words that cut my heart like knives, you’d leave and I’d stay sobbing on the floor, asking myself how I got there.

The truth is, you came across as a truly nice person and that’s why I held on so long. I held on and held on and I couldn’t let go until there was only letting go left.

Hasta Acabé en una pesadilla, one from which I couldn’t wake up. The worst part of that nightmare was the fact that the monster who haunted me was actually the man I loved.

Nobody ever told me that monsters are real. Nobody ever told me that they look like people. Nobody warned me you’d turn into a monster the minute I fell for you.

But that was how the things needed to develop so that you’d have so much power over me. You needed me to love you in order for you to be able to have me under your feet, incapable of getting up.

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I am so mad at myself for being so nice, for apologizing for the things I didn’t do, for making you my life, for being dependent on you, for wasting my time on you, for forgiving you and missing you when you weren’t around and allowing you to get back with me whenever you wanted, even though I knew better.

 

 

I deserved better than being ignored, better than being someone’s punching bag, better than being manipulated and I deserved better than you.

I tried to show you how much the things you did to me hurt, but I couldn’t. You never let me.

But if I had been to able to show you how much you hurt me, you’d have never had the courage to look me in the eye again. Maybe that was the main reason you never wanted to hear how I felt.

Tal vez por eso nunca me permitiste contarte las cosas que me hiciste.

Me dijiste que yo era culpable de todo y que me lo había buscado. You told me I shouldn’t have been so sensitive or stupid or naive. You left me emotionally drained, confused and feeling useless. Each time you came after me, I felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I ever did was right and I was blamed for all your mistakes.

Lo feo es que quería que fueras mía. Te quería, a pesar de saber cuánto me dolía estar contigo. Me apunté a ser torturado, porque tenía demasiado miedo de perderte.

Tenía miedo de perderte hasta que alguien me hizo darme cuenta de que no todo lo que pierdo es una pérdida. Y perderte no fue una pérdida. Fue una dicha.

Nunca me sentí más poderoso que cuando me liberé de tus cadenas. Nunca me sentí más perdida que cuando me quedé sin ti porque no había nadie que me dijera qué hacer.

Despite that, I had never felt more free in my entire life. I was drained and lost and scared, but I knew that no matter what happened to me from that point, it couldn’t be any worse than what I’d already been through.

Sé que todos tenemos que aprender algunas lecciones en la vida y tú, mi estimado monstruo, eran la lección mucho peor que me ha pasado. Lamento tanto esta lección y me siento avergonzada por haber permitido que me convirtieras en tu marioneta durante tanto tiempo.

Pero ya es suficiente. No más.

The monster in you created somebody so strong that you can’t even wrap your head around it. Even though I get shivers from flashbacks of the times when we were together, I am not afraid of you.

You can’t blame me for anything anymore. You can’t torture me and you can’t bring me down.

Esta chica ha despertado de su peor pesadilla. Ya no tienes poder sobre mí.

Que tengas una vida agradable y muy distanciada, lejos de mí,
De "El que se escapó".