¿Por qué sigo queriendo a mi ex y cómo puedo superarlo?

If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do I still love my ex?” you probably also wondered how long it will take to finally supéralos.

Love and grief, like many emotions, aren’t predictable. Experiencing something good that turns bad is always painful.

In the end, it doesn’t matter why you broke up and who said what – you ended up hurt and you found it difficult to move on in your life.

You separated but your emotions stayed the same because they can’t just disappear overnight. If the breakup was unexpected, and particularly if it was painful, this is even more true.

Even if you thought you hated that person right after the breakup, later on (and possibly after a few glasses of wine) you probably realized “Oh no, I’m still in love with my ex”. “Wait, por qué le quiero tanto?”

Entonces, ¿por qué sigues queriendo a tu ex?

Una de las razones es, sin duda, el apego.

Attachment is the deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another. It’s the first thing we seek as children and we keep searching for it throughout our life.

When we genuinely love someone we invest so much time and so many feelings in them that we almost feel like part of us stays with them – and part of us does.

Después de un desamor, many people feel like they’re missing a part of themselves. When we’re in a relationship we tend to think as a couple and always care about the needs of our significant other.

Se convierte en un patrón de pensamiento habitual y a mucha gente le cuesta volver a preocuparse sólo de sí misma.

Often, people who get used to being in a long-term relationship will jump into a new relationship because they can’t stand being alone.

They think that a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend will solve their problems. Do I even need to say that’s rarely the case?

A relación sana requiere que una persona se preocupe por la otra y comparta su felicidad y su tristeza.

Once that’s gone we’re left feeling confused, lost, and betrayed – even if we weren’t really betrayed.

Every separation is trauma. Every loss of love is tragic. That’s just how human beings are. We’re dependent on love, connection, and being accepted by other people.

No wonder we’re obsessed with concepts like soulmates and a love that lasts forever. Deep down every one of us wants to be fully accepted and loved unconditionally.

El único problema es que nunca nos sentiremos plenamente cualquier cosa until we accept ourselves first. It might sound cliché, but it’s true.

Piensa qué tipo de sentimientos ha despertado en ti la ausencia de otra persona.

Do you feel like you’re not good enough, do you feel ashamed or abandoned – are you angry or sad?

Ask yourself why you feel all those feelings. In almost every case of stubborn emotions that won’t go away, there’s an underlying issue we have with ourselves.

The thing is – when you’re at peace with yourself you can be sad y love your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend; you can admit to yourself “I still love my ex” and yet move on with your life.

It’s possible to give yourself enough time to grieve and then look back at everything with acceptance and love in your heart and start living your life without them.

It’s not abnormal to keep loving your ex after the relationship ends.

Al fin y al cabo, compartiste con ellos lo más íntimo de ti. Aunque al final las cosas fueran mal, lo que pasó entre vosotros en un momento dado sigue siendo real.

Todas las relaciones, románticas o no, sanas o insanas, son una experiencia de aprendizaje y, si reflexionas sobre tus relaciones pasadas, te darás cuenta de que se repiten patrones similares a lo largo de tu vida.

Todo lo que pasó entre vosotros estaba destinado a pasar y eso incluye la ruptura.

Breakups are hard because it’s not only about the separation – it’s about having your dreams and hopes shattered.

All the things you imagine you would do with your partner turned out to be an unreachable dream and that’s extremely unmotivating.

Not to mention all society’s expectations that we subconsciously accept and that make us repeatedly feel disappointed because we, our partner, or our current relationship, don’t look a certain way.

En la vida real isn’t una comedia romántica.

It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes scary and painful (especially when it comes to las etapas de una ruptura). Things don’t always go the way we want them to but that doesn’t mean we should give up.

It’s possible to achieve what we want – it’s just that we first need to know the difference between what we realmente queremos y necesitamos y lo que piense en que necesitamos y queremos.

For example, if someone has broken up with you, doesn’t that mean that que person clearly isn’t what you need?

Yes, we can always choose to indulge in fantasies we create about our partners but eventually, we should realize the truth, even if it hurts – if they don’t love us that means they’re not what we need and the heartache that we feel might be just the pain of feeling not good enough for someone else.

Necesitamos amor recíproco. Necesitamos un mejor amigo y un amante que nos quiera incondicionalmente. Pero antes de todo eso, necesitamos querernos a nosotros mismos.

A veces acabamos con el corazón roto para aprender a construir una relación sana con nosotros mismos y con los demás.

Todo el tiempo y esfuerzo que dedicamos a los demás deberíamos dedicarlo también a nosotros mismos. El amor propio es lo que nos curará del dolor.

Don’t continue the cycle, break it. Don’t end up in another relationship and repeat the same mistakes when you can heal yourself first and be ready for the person who’s really meant for you.

Don’t be afraid to be sad, to grieve, and reflect. All these things help to teach you a lesson. On your journey to amor propio y la curación, necesitará algunos pasos adicionales para facilitar las cosas:

Cómo pasar página con un ex al que aún quieres

Aplique el norma de no contacto

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

El objetivo de la norma de no contacto es ayudarte a superar una ruptura y a ver las cosas con más objetividad. Las rupturas son complicadas y las personas son sensibles.

Every little thing can trigger our feelings: one word or text message is enough to make us spiral down to our lowest point – not to mention what one look or the sound of their voice, their smell, or their touch could do.

If you’re frequently thinking about your ex, you’re not ready for any kind of contact.

We go back and revisit all the best moments we had with them while forgetting all the bad ones (because that’s what our brains do).

Cutting off contact is hard, but it’s the most efficient way to really heal. Remove them from your social media and deja de enviarles mensajes.

And let’s not fool ourselves – keeping an ex as a friend is too often just a sign that one of you is hoping for things to go back the way they were.

I’m not saying that friendship isn’t possible, but it’s not possible right after a breakup and it’s not possible to be as intense as you would like it to be.

You need to protect yourself with healthy boundaries, especially if you’re in a situation where you can’t avoid seeing your partner – for example, because of children if they’re your ex-wife or ex-husband.

Piensa en tus sentimientos y en lo que te hace sentir bien y lo que te hace sentir mal, lo que alimenta tu anhelo y lo que te hace sentir bien por ti mismo.

Be a friend to yourself first. Live your life. Do things that make you happy, even if it’s just a small and insignificant thing. Try doing new things.

Vuelve a encontrarte a ti mismo. Explora tus intereses en solitario. Invierte en ti. Haz planes para ti y empieza a trabajar en ellos.

Sal con tus amigos y deja que te distraigan de tu ex. Empieza a hablar con otras personas.

Just put all your effort into self-improvement and self-care activities and make sure it’s something you truly like.

Deja de idealizar a tu ex

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” – Haruki Murakami

This is probably the number one reason why we can’t get over our exes. We idealize them!

Ask yourself: “Do I love my ex or do I like my idea of him/her?”

We go back and revisit all the best moments we had with them while forgetting all the bad ones (because that’s what our brains do).

Esencialmente, imaginamos cosas que no son ciertas en la realidad. Los recuerdos no son fiables.

It’s easier for us to think about what’s already been than to deal with what’s happening now.

Getting back with your ex won’t solve anything and you’ll probably end up even more disappointed and create a problem and a half.

They’re not what you remember: they are the same person you broke up with – and you broke up with a reason.

They’re not the one who got away. If they’re gone, that’s because they weren’t the one.

Romance and daydreaming are not a bad thing, but if they make you hurt yourself – then yes, I suggest you skip them altogether.

There’s no perfect person for you and your ex definitely wasn’t perfect either. You don’t want your ex back.

There are people with whom you can achieve your full potential but that still doesn’t mean they’re perfect, it means their imperfection doesn’t affect you badly.

Instead of idealizing your ex, use your imagination to plan out the next big thing in your life that’s going to make you happy.

Remember you’re powerful

“You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.” – Unknown

Puede ser difícil ganar confianza después de una ruptura, pero eso es exactamente lo que tienes que trabajar.

Necesitas volver a enamorarte de ti misma. Déjate curar en paz pero ponte a trabajar en las cosas que te gusta hacer.

Now it’s the best time to push through self-limiting beliefs.

Go back to that mindset of a child when you thought you could do anything – because that’s true and you still can. What separates you from that is your fear of failure.

Don’t be afraid of failure. Everyone who has made progress and become successful in any aspect of life first had to fail.

Los fracasos, al final, siempre se convierten en una prueba de nuestro éxito y trabajo duro.

Remember the potential you carry in yourself – you can do the things you dream of and you don’t need anyone but yourself.

Don’t confuse your past experiences and your memories with facts. What happened to you in the past doesn’t define you. You have permission to change and outgrow things.

Tienes permiso para vivir tu vida en tus propios términos.

Don’t forget that you’re powerful being on your own. Ditch the self-doubt and start experiencing life as a one time opportunity.

You’re powerful enough to face your fears – and that includes the fear of loneliness, the fear of not being enough, and every other fear that comes with a breakup.

Acepta tu pasado

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards.” – Søren Kierkegaard

Déjalo.

El primer paso es permitir las emociones negativas y ser amable con uno mismo.

Step two is to accept the fact that other people don’t owe you anything, they’re responsible for their actions and how you react to things is your responsibility.

Deja de pensar en "y si...". Lo que ocurrió en el pasado se queda ahí. Lo único que puedes cambiar es el presente. Así que pellízcate y pregúntate: ¿Qué puedo hacer ahora para mejorar mi vida?

Atiende tus necesidades

“Be you, love you. All ways, always.” – Alexandra Elle

Empieza a pensar activamente en tu bienestar. Dedícate al autocuidado.

Don’t just read about and listen to what other people are doing but try to find the things you personally like.

Take care of your body. It’s not just a superficial thing – it’s the way we connect with the present moment.

That’s how we ground ourselves and rest our overactive minds. Other than that it’s the practice of self-love.

Aprende a decir no, protege tu energía. Elige con quién pasas el tiempo.

Organízate. Regálate un viaje a algún lugar al que siempre hayas querido ir.

Spend time with your friends and tell them how much they mean to you. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings.

If you’re feeling like things are not getting better, seek the help of mental health professionals. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact – it can transform your life and make you feel whole again.

Don’t think it’s wrong to still love your ex

“I don’t count life as life without love.” – Leo Tolstoy

Don’t close off your heart because you’ve been hurt. If you still love your ex that means you’re capable of loving someone without interest and that’s a beautiful thing.

Don’t ever think that feeling is wrong, because it’s not – no matter what anyone says.

Don’t stop believing in love and think you’re never going to find anyone who will understand you.

You never know what life has in store for you. There’s always a silver lining in every situation, you just need to look in the right direction.

Dealing with a breakup is tough but it’s possible to overcome it.

I can assure you that one day you’ll look back at this part of your life and be grateful that things happened the way that did because they taught you so many things about life and yourself.

Thinking “I still love my ex” shouldn’t be something that holds you back or makes you feel self-conscious.

You can grow from it and change that thought to “I love myself enough to understand that thing that happened to me helped me grow and be the person I am today”.