I really have a feeling that God’s not listening to me.
I pray every night, I talk to Him, and I really believe He can hear me.
Or at least, I used to believe it. Now I don’t even know anymore because nothing ever changes.
It all stays the same. My prayers seem to go unnoticed and forgotten, stacked with thousands of other prayers somewhere in the back of the room covered in dust in Heaven.
Is God choosing to ignore me?
I mean, I know that there are so many people around us with so many problems that are definitely bigger and more serious than mine, but isn’t God almighty?
Shouldn’t He have time for all of us, all the time?
Somehow I think He doesn’t.
It’s either that, which I still refuse to believe, or He’s making me wait.
It’s taking so long for me to get that one thing I’ve been praying for such a long time.
That one thing that would change my life for the better, that one thing I can’t get for myself.
Believe me, I’ve tried so many times and always failed.
I know He has something to do with that, too.
Once again, He’s making me fail because it’s not the right time.
I hate that He gets to choose that – He gets to choose when the time is right and all of us are supposed to wait and trust Him.
I know that’s true and that He’s right deep in my heart, but I can’t always believe it.
I’m sorry, I’m really trying, but sometimes the anger and disappointment growing inside me light a shadow over faith… over God.
Sometimes doubt is bigger than my faith.
After praying for so long with nothing changing even the slightest, I catch myself thinking that I’m doing something wrong, that my prayers aren’t good enough, that if I’d choose better words, the prayers would come to Him.
I’ve been needing God’s attention and I not knowing how to get it.
It’s not about the words. I’ll tell you that right away.
I’ll tell you what I’ve realized in my doubt. God is not there for you just at the moment you need Him.
God doesn’t remember the things you’ve been praying about for a couple of months.
He remembers what was in your heart from the moment you had a conscience, from the moment you learned to feel.
He knows exactly what you think about, why you hurt, and how deep the pain is.
You don’t have to explain to Him how you feel. He knows it.
And I’ve foolishly forgotten His power.
I’ve been thinking that he doesn’t hear me – that He doesn’t want to hear me.
It’s never crossed my mind that He wants me to be patient.
God created you. He gave you life and He knows what you’re made of. He knows everything about you.
He knows exactly how much you can take and He will never doubt you like we all sometimes doubt Him.
It all comes down to one thing: God always gives you what you need, but what you need is not always what your heart wants.
You can shout from the top of the lungs, you can choose whatever words to say to Him, or you can stay silent.
Either way, it won’t change anything. It won’t change His mind.
Remember that God always knows what you want to say, so there’s no need to worry that you won’t express yourself the right way.
God is not that simple and we all know it.
Faith is not easy. But, what if God is only testing you.
What if God is testing me right now?
I started writing this article with anger in my words, with the frustration of not being understood.
Somehow, along the way, my words softened and my anger mixed with doubt slowly grew to hope and faith again.
Was it all just a test?
To see if I’m going to stay loyal even when He’s absolutely silent?
I know that God will never leave me all alone.
I just didn’t know that maybe I was talking too much and listening to absolutely nothing.
I’ve been too focused on getting what I want that maybe I haven’t even seen all the signs He’s sending me every day, especially in the moments when I don’t pay attention.
Maybe God works best when you’re silent – when you can’t say anything.
Maybe trusting God with your heart at that exact moment is the best thing you can do.