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I Am Done Lighting Myself On Fire Just To Keep You Warm

I Am Done Lighting Myself On Fire Just To Keep You Warm

From the moment I met you, I knew how emotionally broken you were. I knew you had been hurt in the past and I knew it had changed you for good.

You never liked talking about it that much. All I knew was that you didn’t have a happy childhood and that your family was malfunctioning. You never had someone who was truly yours, someone who would understand you no matter what and someone who would always be there for you. All I knew is that nobody was there to teach you what love was and that made you the person you are today.

I knew you had your own issues that bothered you and your own demons you were constantly fighting with.

But I always thought there was this little, lost, vulnerable boy hiding deep inside you. That all of your insensitivity and behavior toward me was just a mask, a defense mechanism. I tried justifying you by thinking that you probably assumed that I was about to hurt you, the same way everyone else did. In my head, that was the reason you never opened up to me completely. That was the reason you never let me in to the fullest.

In my head, faith had put me on your path so I could help you. I was sent to you to help you open your heart to love, to teach you what love should look like. To show you how it was to be loved and how to love.

But you kept pushing me away. Every time I would get close to you, you would add another brick to this high and thick wall that kept everyone out, including me. You would close off even more and you would shut me down completely. When I come to think of it, our entire relationship was based on you trying to cut me off completely and me trying to get to you.

You know I did everything in my power to help you. You know my sole purpose in life was to make you a better man. You know I gave you my everything, but I got nothing in return. I never asked for anything from you—I just wanted for you to cooperate. I just wanted you to appreciate all of my efforts and to appreciate me.

I just wanted for you to start loving yourself the way I loved you. And I wanted you to love me.
But even that was too much for you.

So, here I am, admitting my defeat. Here I am accepting that there was nothing more I could do for you. Here I am giving up on you. Here I am being done.

I am done taking the blame for someone else’s actions. I know you’ve had a rough life. I know you were never loved and taken care of. But none of this is my fault. I was different and you know that. And I don’t have to be the only one dealing with all the consequences of all the pain you’ve been through. I don’t have to be the only one handling the man you’ve become.

I am done being the person you call whenever something goes wrong. I am done being the one you remember only when you are in trouble. Whenever life had been treating you kindly, you were nowhere to be found. But as soon as everyone around you turned their backs on you, I was the first person you’d call. Because you always knew I was the only one who would never leave you hanging. But whenever I needed you, my troubles were foolish and irrelevant. You were never interested in my issues and concerns and I could never rely on your support.

I am done being the one who always understands. I tried really hard to justify you. I tried finding excuses for the way you were treating me—for all the fights, all the insults and all the times you hurt me. I assumed this was the only behavior pattern you were taught, so I put a lot of effort into trying to show you different ways of communication. I put up with everything you ever told me or did to me, because I tried to find the reasons behind it all. But even then, you refused to open up to me. You never apologized for anything you did to me and you never took responsibility for any of your words or actions. Instead, I was always the one to blame for everything bad in our relationship.

I am done waiting for you to come to your senses. I’ve waited for you to change for more than enough time. I’ve given you more than enough chances. But now it’s time for me to accept that none of the things I wish for will ever happen. It’s time for me to accept that you’ll never realize how much I did for you and how much I loved you.

I am done leading your battles. You are a big boy and it’s time you stop relying on me. It’s time for you to start fighting your own battles, without me holding your hand all the time. You always wanted to present yourself as this tough guy who didn’t need anyone’s help through life, didn’t you? Well, this is your chance to do so.

I am done destroying myself so I could save you. I’ve realized that you don’t want to be saved. You enjoy being the victim of life circumstances and you don’t want to be happy. And you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. All you could do was get yourself pulled down into your darkness and that is exactly what happened to me.

I am done choosing you over me. I loved you for a long time. And I still love you. But I have to learn how to love myself more.

I am done waiting for you to love me. Because now I know that there are some people who are not capable of love. And as much as it kills me to admit it, you are one of those people.

I am done lighting myself on fire just to keep you warm. Because I accomplished nothing by doing so. Nothing except burning down together with you.