Until you came into my life, I was somewhat of a pessimist about love.
It’s not that I didn’t believe in it (because I did), it was merely about not being entirely convinced that it could last an entire lifetime .
Even saying it seems a little daunting, doesn’t it?
But then you happened. You came into my life and swept me off my feet so fast that I didn’t have time to react.
You somehow managed to make me see that forever IS possible and I slowly started changing my mind. YOU did that.
You made me feel more loved than I thought was possible and in return, I foolishly started believing that maybe forever was in the cards for me.
I felt like you could actually be my happily ever after.
You made me enjoy the sunshine that much more, and weather the storms more easily, knowing you were there with me.
You changed my mind about everything.
But then, you left.
With no sign, no warning, or anything that could possibly prepare me for that. Out of the blue, you disappeared from my life and left me hanging by a thread.
All I could think was, ‘Why?’ What could’ve possibly happened to make you change your mind about me?
How could you come into my life like a blazing storm and make me shake with excitement, only to one day decide that I was no longer worth the trouble?
Did you just wake up one day and decide that I wasn’t enough?
Was it a conscious decision to enter my life and turn me into an eternal optimist about love and then leave without a trace, JUST when I started thinking that you were the one for me?
Was my face no longer the one you wanted to wake up next to?
Or was your faith in what we had so feeble that you gave up the minute you felt you were leaving your comfort zone?
Whatever it is, I need to know. I need to somehow be okay with you transforming my beliefs for YOU, only to be left hanging in the dark. How can you expect that I should be okay with this?
Maybe the lack of closure I got should be my saving grace. Maybe if I knew what it was that made you leave so abruptly, I would be left devastated and unable to cope.
Maybe I should find solace in your lack of honesty?
All I know now is I need to forget about you. I need to forget I ever loved you. I need to forget I ever let you make me believe in something that ultimately seems so far-fetched now.
But how ironic is this? The guy who made me believe in something I never thought was possible turns out to be the guy to crush me and make me regret ever letting a man have that much power over me.
What I’m working on now is learning to forgive myself for expecting too much from you. To forgive myself for being so intoxicated by your ‘love’ that I disregarded my own beliefs.
I am learning to forgive myself for holding onto you so dearly, even though you are no longer here, for which I’ll probably never get an explanation.
Maybe you came into my life for a reason. Maybe you were meant to teach me that what I was so skeptical about isn’t as impossible as I’m making it seem.
Maybe you served a purpose in my life and I failed to see it over the grudge I have held against you for so long. I choose to believe this. I need it to preserve my own sanity.
Maybe we just weren’t meant to be and I should simply learn to live with it. It’s easier that way.
God knows I loved you more than the universe itself.
But now I see that you were sent to me to teach me something about love, something I probably never would’ve learned had it not been for you.
I am choosing to let go of my anger. I am no longer asking myself, ‘Why?’
I am moving on, with my head held high, and zero resentment in my soul. I know that everything happens for a reason and that is what I will let guide me from now on.