Hey there stranger. It’s been a while, right?
I guess you’re wondering why I disappeared, why I cut all of the ties so suddenly. Well, to you it was out of the blue, but to me… To me, it felt like ages.
Waiting for you, being your last resort, hoping to become your priority. Hoping that somehow you would make up your mind and finally decide which it was that you wanted—me or freedom.
But you never did, so I had to leave. It’s not that I got tired of loving you. I got tired of many things, but loving you was never one of them.
I got tired of feeling lonely by your side. Being there, right next you, but yet so far. Touching you, but only to see you pulling away further and further.
Being with you, but still feeling so lonely, because I knew I was the only one loving. I knew I was the only one wanting to move forward. I knew you didn’t care enough for me to make a change.
I knew, and I still hoped that it would change. I still hoped that my love would be strong enough for you to see me.
I got tired of hoping in vain. Hoping that somehow you would man up and make a decision. That someday you would wait for me with your arms wide open, that half-smile on your face, the face I love so much.
That you would pull me tight into your embrace and make me lose myself in your warmth, in your body. To drown myself in the depth of your blue eyes. But not once did you and my whole body ached for you.
My soul, my mind, my heart. Everything of mine belonged to you, but not even your smile belonged to me.
I got tired of pretending that I was okay with this. You have no idea how painful it is to watch someone you love flirt with other women. To listen to someone you love brag about how amazing this thing between you two is, but when it’s not a relationship. Every time you would turn your head away from my kiss, I would break.
Every time you would talk about other women you had met, I would break. Every time you would raise my hopes that you cared about me, only to smash it, even just the other day, I would break a little bit more.
How many times can a heart be broken and still keep beating? How many bruises can my soul have and for me to still be sane?
I got tired of the games you played. You knew that I loved you, but you still did nothing about it. You couldn’t let me go, but you couldn’t keep me either.
You couldn’t sacrifice your freedom for me, but you wanted me to sacrifice mine for you. You kept me there as a safety net, so for when everything else failed, you knew you had me. But I deserve more than to be someone’s safety net, I deserve more than to just be kept around.
I deserve to be loved with the same love I used to love you.
I got tired of being your ‘almost’. Is there any sadder word than ‘almost’ to describe love? To describe anything that’s connected to it? We almost made it, we were almost a thing, he almost fell in love with me.
I just got tired of that word that was stuck inside my mind, inside my heart. The word that was piercing through my soul, piercing into my heart with every heartbeat.
I got tired of being almost when I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be your all, but I never was.
It’s hard to wait for someone you know won’t be yours, but it’s even harder giving up on him when he’s all you want. But that’s the choice I need to make to keep my sanity.
That’s the choice I need to make to set myself free from your love, because I know it will never be completely mine. It will never stop being ‘almost love’ and I deserve more.
I deserve someone who will be ready to make a commitment, someone who will respect my love for him, who will love me the way I love him. I deserve to be someone’s first choice, instead of a last resort.